Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

I made it thru Korry's angelversery ok. I took the week off before, and it was a good thing because apparently my mind slowly starts to shut down. I made a few mistakes my last day of work that week. Silly mistakes that I normally would not have made. I think that is the best way to describe it.  It is a slow shut down of my thought processes. I took Balloons down to Korry's cross with Kelsey in the early afternoon.  Then we drove to Starbucks and got a coffee and cake pop in honor of Korry and toasted her.  The boys each took turns singing songs at her cross. I feel like I should be writing and documenting more; but, I don't really have anything new to say. I miss my daughter. I have a whole in my heart that won't ever go away. I continue on and function because I have no choice, I need to be a good gramma-mommy to Jazsper. I want to cry a lot when I think of her because she is not here. All perfectly normal behaviors. But it sucks.

It is still continuing to be rough. I know it is just the time of year with Korry’s Angelverssary on Oct 29 th , but it is rough this year. Jazsper seems to be really struggling for some reason the past month, and all I can think is his brain some how knows…   It double intensifies the loss knowing that he is feeling it too.   And I just am on the verge of tears constantly. I really wish my husband understood this. I just can’t handle a lot right now, and minimal irritants really bug me. I am so thankful for the support and understanding I get from my friends and therapist! I would go nuts with out them. especially my friend Karen.   She made me feel a lot better when I was having a break down that its different for me rather than most people with child loss, because I am raising the child. I cant get busy and put it on the back burner of my mind. it is always front and center. And then when he starts missing, I miss even worse. I just cant believe how rough a time I...

It's hard at bedtime. I have always rocked Jazsper until he falls asleep. Then for a while longer I cuddle him to be sure he is asleep.  Korry always either held him or laid down with him at bedtime. The last 6 months I have really been working on getting him to walk into his room, read a book, sing songs and go to sleep by himself. For a while he was able to do this and it was working quite well. I forget now what changed, but he struggles with this again. I have never liked letting my kids cry themselves to sleep. And Jazsper is no exception. The hardest part is that I wonder if some how subconsciously he knows that he went to sleep, and woke up with out his momma... He just doesn't like sleeping alone. Last night Dominick slept over. Jazsper was able to sleep on his own. Tonight is a different story. He kept coming out with reasons to not go to sleep alone. Finally in tears he said he was worried about bad dreams. I asked him what bad dreams he has. Tearfully, he explained t...

About a month ago, I had a few days where I missed my antidepressant medications. I actually felt pretty good, in fact better than usual. And when we went to TX I didn't take them either. I felt like I was doing fine without them. My pharmacist, however said that it would take closer to a week to really notice a difference. So since that time I have dropped my dosage a little. Instead of 3 pills, I just have been taking 2. Odd thing, I have noticed a big difference in being MORE depressed, sad, teary. A lot of it has been Paul and his negativity making me extra sad, and father's day I got a text from my little sister just stating "I really miss dad today".  That totally set me over the edge. And I have been teary, missing my Dad, and teary missing my Korry.  So is it the lower dosage of meds, that is having bad affects, or is it just life????  I see the doctor in a week, so maybe she will have some ideas. I don't like taking meds. I never have. But I think there ...

My heart is broken. Last night while Jazsper was taking his bath, I tried talking to him about what has been bothering him. Finally I just came out and asked if he was missing his momma. He burst into tears and said his heart was sad. Oh it broke my heart all over again. The pain for this little guy. We cried for a little while, laughed a little, and after he got out I hugged him tight for a while just trying to send love into him. At bedtime he curled up with all his animals and slept. So apparently, he just needed to let it out and wasn’t sure how to go about it. I also told him I would make him a momma pillow. A pillow out of something of hers that he can hold and help not miss her. For some reason he is really wanting someone to sleep with him. He hasn’t done this in a long time. So many articles that I try to read to help, state that a child may all of a sudden have issues after doing perfectly well for a while. And it just continues. Just as it does for me. I don’t know wh...

I read an article yesterday that said something along the lines of the fact that you don’t have to remember the date of a death. That your mind and body remember it for you. We are approaching the completion of 3 years without Korry. I can tell while I am working that my mind is already not connecting 100%.   I struggle with days of the week, what date next week is, and I am a mess already. I have felt the pull of my heart and tears a lot over the last month. The roller coaster continues for me, as I am sure it will forever.   I would expect nothing less when I think of it.   But on a day to day basis, I don’t always realize what is going on.   I have to stop myself and say “grief is strong today”. This past Saturday my husband and I had taken Jazsper to the park to play. We picnicked and were there for a few hours. While Jazsper was playing with some of the kids there, my husband started talking about the loss of his brother (Feb 14,2016) and some things th...

It's been an emotional week. Over the weekend, Jazsper wanted to see pictures of him and his momma. So, I pulled up all my digital pictures and we looked thru them.  I think that is where it started for me. And it just seems like all week there have been comments and questions for some reason.  I always miss Korry, but sometimes I truly find it hard to actually breathe, the grief is so overwhelming. Today all I wanted to do was just stop. Stop work; stop conversations; stop being social. But most of all stop functioning. I just wanted to curl up and do nothing. I wanted to curl up and try to make it thru the tsunami of tears, grief, and heartache.  I really feel that I need to let all this out. But I have no release. At home, I have my wonderfully sweet Jazsper to spend time with. And I didn't do a very good job tonight. I wasn't mean or short, I just wasn't all there. So often I just need to be held and allowed to cry. But I have no one to turn to. I wish it could be P...

It's been an emotional week. Over the weekend, Jazsper wanted to see pictures of him and his momma. So, I pulled up all my digital pictures and we looked thru them.  I think that is where it started for me. And it just seems like all week there have been comments and questions for some reason.  I always miss Korry, but sometimes I truly find it hard to actually breathe, the grief is so overwhelming. Today all I wanted to do was just stop. Stop work; stop conversations; stop being social. But most of all stop functioning. I just wanted to curl up and do nothing. I wanted to curl up and try to make it thru the tsunami of tears, grief, and heartache.  I really feel that I need to let all this out. But I have no release. At home, I have my wonderfully sweet Jazsper to spend time with. And I didn't do a very good job tonight. I wasn't mean or short, I just wasn't all there. So often I just need to be held and allowed to cry. But I have no one to turn to. I wish it could be P...

Jazsper started Kindergarten last week. August 3rd. Oh, it was difficult. I cried when my own kids went to kindergarten, so it didn't surprise me that I cried with Jazsper. The difference being, that this time I was crying because Korry should have been here for this. I hate that she missed taking him to his first day. The doctor I worked for was kind enough to give me a good hug with tears in his eyes as well. My friend in the lab just happened to call me, and heard in my voice that I was not doing well, and said a prayer for me over the phone. It was so powerful! She is truly an inspired voice. I am so grateful that she allows the Lord to work thru her to help others. What a wonderful blessing to have in my life. I had off the afternoon of August 3rd, so I could be sure to pick up Jazsper. When I took him in the morning he did good, but there was a bit of apprehension when I left. He had a great day, and was happy to see me pick him up. I was off the next day as well (it was als...

I took Jazsper to Texas to see his family over Memorial weekend. His gramma Lucille, cousins Dain and Gregory, his dad and his new wife Amy and her two sons Jace and Jaxson, and Jazsper's brother Cypress. It was a really good experience. I am so glad that I went, even tho Paul was not happy about it.  It was great for Jazsper and for his family just to see him and know he's OK and that i am willing to let them see him.  Lucille had told me that Gregory had told her that he had a memory of Korry pushing him in a swing when he was little, and now here he was pushing Korry's little boy.  Needless to say, Lucille and I shed quite a few tears together.  Greg made a few interesting comments, one of which was that he couldn't take Jazsper away from me when i had just lost my daughter. He also commented that he was not in the best place to raise Jazsper either, which made a difference. It was a good way of putting it. Most people comment that Jazsper is a "part of Korry...

I know that it was important for Jazsper to have two parents when he was born that were married. Korry  waited to get pregnant until she was married. About a year after she was married, Jazsper was born.  All that changed when her husband greg cheated on her 9 months later. That was when she moved back to Alabama.  Since her death, I have been very aware that Jazsper has a dad out there, just that he lives far away.  Jazsper has been talking to him pretty regularly since August of last year, about the time preschool started. I made myself a promise that I would never keep Jazsper away from greg, because Korry wouldn't want that. Paul of course thinks he is worthless, and anyone who would not support their child isn't worth the child ever having contact. With that being said, here we are 2 1/2 years later, and Jazsper's gramma Lucille has asked that if I could, they are having a family party in San Angelo TX over Memorial day, and could we please bring Jazsper. His c...

Well Mother's Day is this weekend, and I am doing surprisingly good.  I think having Kelsey here helps.  I even asked Heather if they wanted to come over for a brunch around 11:00 on sunday. We had a little potluck this morning and so many things looked good, I thought... hmmmm... I want to cook, let's have brunch. Of course the reality of the day didn't sink in, but that is ok.  Jazsper and I will put an I love you balloon at the cross. I bought a present for Dominick to give Kelsey, because I don't know if anyone else will, and I thought it would be important.  I am sure I will wake up that day and have many of the crappy mother's day feelings that I have had all my life, but at least I have a plan.

The grass is growing high this time of year, and it is overgrowing at Korry's cross. So it was time to go start the trimming. We try to trim around the cross before the state comes along to mow, so that they dont hit it by mistake. We trimmed around it about a 3-4' diameter area. Jazsper didn't want to walk down with us, so he sat in the back of the SUV with the hatch up, so we could see him, and he could see us. When we got back to him, he looked at me and said "I want to go down to momma's cross.  So he and I walked back to it. He asked about the accident. I think he does this so he has an answer in his head as to why his mom has died. And he likes to tell me what happened. Somehow I think this is helping him to deal with it. He sang her Mary had a Little Lamb, and told her he loved her and missed her. Then he stood there for quite a while looking at the writing and the initials of Korry's friends. Commented on how there was a "J" for Jazsper! even ...

It just dawned on me that Kelsey came over just to hang out today. It was to celebrate her birthday because we have work and baseball tomorrow. It is one of the few times I can remember her coming over just to hang, more or less.  It was something Korry did a lot, but Kelsey never wanted to. It was nice. It has been a rough day for me. I registered Jazsper for kindergarten. It went fine. But I was shaking and after I got to the car, I cried. I realized it was bothering me so bad because it was something that Korry should have been here for.  It was another milestone, that would have meant so much to her to have her big little guy getting signed up for kindergarten... She has missed his first week of real baseball games, his sliding into home with a huge smile on his face. Oh, she would have been proud!!!! I know she is watching from above. It is just so hard, as always.

I had a melt down on the way home from work yesterday. I find it interesting how often Kelsey can hit a button and trigger the missing of Korry. When I talk with Kelsey, and she is so ungrateful for everything, it just reminds me of how sweet and nice Korry was. And that, of course, sets a flood of emotion ripping thru me. I miss Korry so much everyday all day, but it just gets compounded when Kelsey is such an ungrateful child. Korry would always be happy when I offered dinner, no question of WHAT it was. She always wanted to come over during the summer and just relax while the boys played in the blow up pool. She was just so loving, always kindhearted to me (well except for the one year when she ran away-but that resolved quickly).  I just can't get over the difference between Kelsey/Kyle and Korry. I truly believe it is genetics. Korry's dad was the best! And I certainly imagine she got most of her goodness from him, where as the other two got most of their selfish/grumpy b...

Grief is a funny thing in some ways. It helps you to understand other's grief, and gives you a different outlook on life. Kelsey is grieving, obviously. She has no clue that her actions, or lack there of are part of her grieving process. She is getting such a double, triple, quadruple whammy out of this.  She lost Korry, ran off to ND because andy said he would take care of her. Then she loses andy. So she becomes a widow at 22 years old. She is pregnant, living at her "in-laws" home. She lives there because that is what THEY decided she needed. Well unfortunately the mother in law as i have mentioned is just a control freak. And she is going thru grieving of her own, even tho she won't let herself. So Kelsey is a mess. We have been looking at houses. She found one, she wants it, she doesn't want it, she does, she doesn't. She wants someone to tell her what to do, because that is how she has lived her whole life, following whatever someone tells her.  Well, t...

As I mentioned in my last post, I am having a hard time keeping it together lately. I always feel like at any point in time I could burst into tears. I have decided perhaps it is stress. Not so much my stress, but Paul's and Kelsey's. I worry about Kelsey making poor choices right now, because I think tracy is pushing her too hard too fast.  Kyle tried to call her yesterday at lunch (at my request) and she doesn't answer. Half the time she answers calls/texts half the time she doesn't.  I don't know if it is because she doesn't feel like talking or what. She bounces between so many ideas of what she wants to do, I wish she would just stop. Enjoy her babies. Not worry about anything else.  I never know if she is answering my questions about what she wants to do honestly, or just saying what she thinks I want to hear. My main concern is she wants to take a WalMart job that is an hour from where she is living. 3 days a week. That is so crazy. She says they are the ...

Not sure when I wrote last, other than it was after Kelsey's husband died. A month after that, my husband's brother died. He had a heart attack and never really came back from it well, then his body just shut down... I am really tired of death. A very dear young coworker's husband just finished his 3 year battle with cancer, as well.  They have a young boy about 6 or 7.  The last few years have been consumed with grieving of some sort or other. Yesterday, Jazsper went to a birthday party for one of the kids at preschool. He was so excited and had so much fun (even tho he was a bit under the weather). Driving home, I again was overcome with the thought that Korry should have been the one taking him. Most of the other people there were in there 20's, and Korry would have really enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time and there was a couple other mom's that were in their 40's, that I visited with. It was just something that should have been Korry...

I have been doing pretty good again, now that the holidays and all are over.  Life is beginning to settle in again. Kyle has bought a house in Magna UT, and I am real proud of him for that. He did not want me to come out to visit until he is set up with furniture and such, so as a mom, haha, I wanted to make sure he had what he needed. So, onto Amazon I went. I bought him all his kitchen basics and shower curtain/rod. I felt so good. It really helped me to get over not going out and helping him. As a mom I was not ready to cut the umbilical cord completely. I am glad he is happy. In the midst of the excitement of him buying a house, tragedy has struck our family once again. Kelsey's husband went into the ER sick Friday night 1/15/16, and died about 24 hours later 1/16/16. A virus flew thru his blood stream and shut down all his organs until his heart just gave out. My poor little girl. Mother of a 4 yr old, pregnant with a baby and a widow at 22. It breaks my heart. The 2 people th...

Made it thru Thanksgiving. Paul's kids did not come over for the most part, and all I did was reheat and make a pumpkin cheesecake swirl with Kelsey via Skype. That Skype visit made a huge difference. Just was NOT in the mood. But it has passed. Hoping next year to maybe go somewhere for a day or two for thanksgiving, but I am not sure Paul would go for that. I put a little Christmas tree, and her bell wreath, at the cross for Korry. Kelsey came out for a quick visit for the twit's sister's wedding. Twit and Dominick were here for a week. I had to fight with twit to get him to stay a few days here and there, but had a blast with him. Jazsper enjoyed it too. He loves Dominick so much. I am sure it is hard on him having Dominick so far away. But we did get to do some fun things together and twit only spent one night with us, so that was good, because honestly, that was one night too many, and every minute spent with him, just confirmed what a twit he is.  Christmas went well...