Texas and Seeing The Family
I took Jazsper to Texas to see his family over Memorial weekend. His gramma Lucille, cousins Dain and Gregory, his dad and his new wife Amy and her two sons Jace and Jaxson, and Jazsper's brother Cypress. It was a really good experience. I am so glad that I went, even tho Paul was not happy about it. It was great for Jazsper and for his family just to see him and know he's OK and that i am willing to let them see him. Lucille had told me that Gregory had told her that he had a memory of Korry pushing him in a swing when he was little, and now here he was pushing Korry's little boy. Needless to say, Lucille and I shed quite a few tears together. Greg made a few interesting comments, one of which was that he couldn't take Jazsper away from me when i had just lost my daughter. He also commented that he was not in the best place to raise Jazsper either, which made a difference. It was a good way of putting it. Most people comment that Jazsper is a "part of Korry" so it is wonderful for me to be able to raise him, but that really doesn't help. But to not take him to protect me from another major loss was really kind of him. He also told me how Korry's death had affected Cypress. That never crossed my mind, but Korry was the only mom Cypress really ever knew. Greg said he has pictures of Korry all over his room. Greg also looked me in the eyes while we were in Texas, and apologized. At first i did not understand because I don't hold him accountable for Korry being killed. Then I realized the he meant he was sorry for not being a good husband to Korry and that he did not take care of her like he promised me. I told him it was selfish of me, but I was just glad to have Korry back in Alabama. Greg has matured so much. I wonder if he would have matured so much if Korry was still alive or if they would have gotten back together or ended up finally divorcing. Because i always thought he was a jerk, and he is not the jerk that i remember, now. even his mom commented on how much he has changed. I wish he would have done that for Korry, she really wanted everything to go right and be happily married.
Kelsey and I have not see much of each other since we have been back. I see more and more of tracy's influence on her with so many things and it makes it so difficult. It hurts my feelings that she has found this "new" family, and we are now second on her list. I worry tho, because the only people she sees are them, or their friends. she isn't developing any social life on her own. Which is typical for her, but it is worrisome when I look at it. But I have started building the wall up to prevent any more hurt. I just can't do it any more. We are generally only contacted if she needs something. Altho, I will say she did call me yesterday just to talk and said she missed talking and seeing me. I just took it with a grain of salt, and said "we are here".. to put it back on her shoulders, but it did not sink in.
Paul made an odd comment. He has compared my grieving for Korry to his grieving for his brother Alan. That the difficulty is the same, he has some good days and some days that get emotional and are not so good. But he made a comment the other day that floored me, and yet it explained so much of his thought process (which is awful, just not healthy)... He said that as time goes by, he will think of Alan less and less and he won't be on his mind anymore, and eventually he will hardly ever think of him, and that is how he said it will be with Korry. Wow, that said volumes, it just said it all as to the differences between Paul and I. I looked at him and told him a day will not go by that i don't think of Korry and he said " oh yes it will". so i looked at him and said i hope to God it never does, because i WANT to think of Korry every day of my life. Just like I think of Kyle and Kelsey every day. We are so different he and I.
Kelsey's baby is due in about 7 weeks. We will see how our relationship goes thru that. I wont be able to come to where she lives to see the baby, and she wont bring her to my house because it is too far. I truly believe she will stay at andy's parents house for years. they take care of her and tracy tells her what to do and how to live her life and makes her decisions for her. Kelsey always likes that from someone other than me. I do miss Dominick, tho. When she asked him if he wanted to talk to me on the phone, he asked the Jazsper and gramma Gramma? so now i am qualified as to which gramma, where tracy has always been gramma tracy or gramma long... it broke my heart. Jazsper misses him too. i worry about their influence on Dominick growing up with them. their own kids won't do diddly squat without their moms approval. andy used to have to call her for everything, and whatever she said to do, he would. i don't want Dominick to end up like that.
Kelsey and I have not see much of each other since we have been back. I see more and more of tracy's influence on her with so many things and it makes it so difficult. It hurts my feelings that she has found this "new" family, and we are now second on her list. I worry tho, because the only people she sees are them, or their friends. she isn't developing any social life on her own. Which is typical for her, but it is worrisome when I look at it. But I have started building the wall up to prevent any more hurt. I just can't do it any more. We are generally only contacted if she needs something. Altho, I will say she did call me yesterday just to talk and said she missed talking and seeing me. I just took it with a grain of salt, and said "we are here".. to put it back on her shoulders, but it did not sink in.
Paul made an odd comment. He has compared my grieving for Korry to his grieving for his brother Alan. That the difficulty is the same, he has some good days and some days that get emotional and are not so good. But he made a comment the other day that floored me, and yet it explained so much of his thought process (which is awful, just not healthy)... He said that as time goes by, he will think of Alan less and less and he won't be on his mind anymore, and eventually he will hardly ever think of him, and that is how he said it will be with Korry. Wow, that said volumes, it just said it all as to the differences between Paul and I. I looked at him and told him a day will not go by that i don't think of Korry and he said " oh yes it will". so i looked at him and said i hope to God it never does, because i WANT to think of Korry every day of my life. Just like I think of Kyle and Kelsey every day. We are so different he and I.
Kelsey's baby is due in about 7 weeks. We will see how our relationship goes thru that. I wont be able to come to where she lives to see the baby, and she wont bring her to my house because it is too far. I truly believe she will stay at andy's parents house for years. they take care of her and tracy tells her what to do and how to live her life and makes her decisions for her. Kelsey always likes that from someone other than me. I do miss Dominick, tho. When she asked him if he wanted to talk to me on the phone, he asked the Jazsper and gramma Gramma? so now i am qualified as to which gramma, where tracy has always been gramma tracy or gramma long... it broke my heart. Jazsper misses him too. i worry about their influence on Dominick growing up with them. their own kids won't do diddly squat without their moms approval. andy used to have to call her for everything, and whatever she said to do, he would. i don't want Dominick to end up like that.
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