It's just plain HARD
Here we are at the start of a new year. I have to start by saying, I am grumpy, sad and really tired of being this way. It has been brought to my attention (by my counselor) that I am caring for those around me, but in return, I have no one to comfort me. As I have discussed before, my husband wants to shut it away and not mention it, so I really can't turn to him. Kelsey struggles enough herself, I don't need to add to it. So that leaves me alone. I have not snapped out of this season of struggle like I normally do. I suppose it is compounded this year, and just hard to break thru to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Paul has always tried to make me happy, to see my needs and take care of them. To keep me afloat. Well with his brother dying almost a year ago, Paul's depression has worsened. He struggles so much himself that he can't see beyond it. Understandable, but just adding to my struggles because I worry about him, and because his behavior has changed to even more negative. And most times he is just not nice any more.
Then I have my dear Kelsey. She is working so hard to get her house ready to move in, while at the same time is petrified to spend the night alone. She is only 23. I have told her if she wants, I will stay a few nights with her, so she is not by herself. She spent some time in Utah before Christmas. She stayed with Kyle and spent a lot of time with her friend Kianna. She came home distant, and finally it came out that she feels she has no "home" any more. That Kyle was her "home" and now he is with his girlfriend and baby on the way, and Kelsey no longer has that. She did, but no longer does. I really hope that she can begin to find her way, once she gets in her house.
Christmas was really hard this year. It was of course the first Christmas without Kelsey's husband, but also without Paul's brother Alan. Kelsey commented that if she comes to my house she misses Korry, and if she is at her in-laws, she misses andy. Bless her heart she is so much more torn than she lets on. And that of course breaks my heart.
Jazsper is asking more and more about Jesus and Heaven and his mom. I answer to the best of my ability, but inside it makes me sad for him. He seems so well adjusted, but I know that inside he misses his mommy. He doesnt remember her much, but it is the significance of his MOMMY being gone that he understands.
So put all this together and it makes life hard. Work is going very busy, and I sometimes find
my brain not working and not being able to say the right words, and do the right stuff. I know this is stress, but there really isnt anything I can do about it. I love my job. It is just a lot to prioritize and organize and follow thru.
I dont sleep well again. My mind just spins around on all my concerns. I have had to double up on my clonopin at night to sleep thru it. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesnt.
This year my fast is focused on my mental health and well being. If that means that once a month I go out with the girls just to relax and have dinner, I am. I have got to start taking breaks from my home life or I will get sucked in to this void. If I dont take care of myself, how can I possibly take care of everyone else.
I am so thankful for my faith in Christ. I would be a complete basket case if He did not carry me and help me to realize what direction my life needs to go. He is constantly whispering in my ear thoughts to make me feel better.
I just really want a place where I can break down. To just be by myself and to let all the hurt come out. I need to open the flood gates again and let them poor. I hurt for my loss of Korry, For Jazspers loss of his mommy. For Kelsey's loss of her sister and then her husband. for Paul's loss of his brother. and I miss my dad.
So as I started this, my life is just HARD. it is sad as well. It will be better again. somewhere inside me is a coping mechanism that God has installed. I just need to harness it better so that I can make it thru each and every day.
Then I have my dear Kelsey. She is working so hard to get her house ready to move in, while at the same time is petrified to spend the night alone. She is only 23. I have told her if she wants, I will stay a few nights with her, so she is not by herself. She spent some time in Utah before Christmas. She stayed with Kyle and spent a lot of time with her friend Kianna. She came home distant, and finally it came out that she feels she has no "home" any more. That Kyle was her "home" and now he is with his girlfriend and baby on the way, and Kelsey no longer has that. She did, but no longer does. I really hope that she can begin to find her way, once she gets in her house.
Christmas was really hard this year. It was of course the first Christmas without Kelsey's husband, but also without Paul's brother Alan. Kelsey commented that if she comes to my house she misses Korry, and if she is at her in-laws, she misses andy. Bless her heart she is so much more torn than she lets on. And that of course breaks my heart.
Jazsper is asking more and more about Jesus and Heaven and his mom. I answer to the best of my ability, but inside it makes me sad for him. He seems so well adjusted, but I know that inside he misses his mommy. He doesnt remember her much, but it is the significance of his MOMMY being gone that he understands.
So put all this together and it makes life hard. Work is going very busy, and I sometimes find
my brain not working and not being able to say the right words, and do the right stuff. I know this is stress, but there really isnt anything I can do about it. I love my job. It is just a lot to prioritize and organize and follow thru.
I dont sleep well again. My mind just spins around on all my concerns. I have had to double up on my clonopin at night to sleep thru it. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesnt.
This year my fast is focused on my mental health and well being. If that means that once a month I go out with the girls just to relax and have dinner, I am. I have got to start taking breaks from my home life or I will get sucked in to this void. If I dont take care of myself, how can I possibly take care of everyone else.
I am so thankful for my faith in Christ. I would be a complete basket case if He did not carry me and help me to realize what direction my life needs to go. He is constantly whispering in my ear thoughts to make me feel better.
I just really want a place where I can break down. To just be by myself and to let all the hurt come out. I need to open the flood gates again and let them poor. I hurt for my loss of Korry, For Jazspers loss of his mommy. For Kelsey's loss of her sister and then her husband. for Paul's loss of his brother. and I miss my dad.
So as I started this, my life is just HARD. it is sad as well. It will be better again. somewhere inside me is a coping mechanism that God has installed. I just need to harness it better so that I can make it thru each and every day.
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