Real Or Excuses 10/23/16

It's hard at bedtime. I have always rocked Jazsper until he falls asleep. Then for a while longer I cuddle him to be sure he is asleep.  Korry always either held him or laid down with him at bedtime. The last 6 months I have really been working on getting him to walk into his room, read a book, sing songs and go to sleep by himself. For a while he was able to do this and it was working quite well. I forget now what changed, but he struggles with this again. I have never liked letting my kids cry themselves to sleep. And Jazsper is no exception. The hardest part is that I wonder if some how subconsciously he knows that he went to sleep, and woke up with out his momma... He just doesn't like sleeping alone. Last night Dominick slept over. Jazsper was able to sleep on his own. Tonight is a different story. He kept coming out with reasons to not go to sleep alone. Finally in tears he said he was worried about bad dreams. I asked him what bad dreams he has. Tearfully, he explained to me that his dream was about a tornado coming and Paul and I die. How sad if this is truly worrying him. It broke my heart.  So of course I held him close and cuddled him rocking until he went to sleep. Then just holding him. How to know if this is just a scam to not have to sleep or if he really worries!!!  How can I take a chance that this may really be a worry to him.. How could I not cuddle him and love him to sleep......  There are many things I just don't know about how it really affects him. I hate to think that he worries that something will hurt Paul and I, or Heaven forbid we die.
We are going into the last week that completes the third year of life without Korry. I just want to cry constantly, it just flat out hurts and I miss her.  As always, people have no idea what is going on in my mind. It's really too much to bear. I am off work starting Tuesday. It's just too hard to keep the facade up.