The grass is growing high this time of year, and it is overgrowing at Korry's cross. So it was time to go start the trimming. We try to trim around the cross before the state comes along to mow, so that they dont hit it by mistake. We trimmed around it about a 3-4' diameter area. Jazsper didn't want to walk down with us, so he sat in the back of the SUV with the hatch up, so we could see him, and he could see us. When we got back to him, he looked at me and said "I want to go down to momma's cross.  So he and I walked back to it. He asked about the accident. I think he does this so he has an answer in his head as to why his mom has died. And he likes to tell me what happened. Somehow I think this is helping him to deal with it. He sang her Mary had a Little Lamb, and told her he loved her and missed her. Then he stood there for quite a while looking at the writing and the initials of Korry's friends. Commented on how there was a "J" for Jazsper! even tho it was actually the J in Jaimie's initials who helped put the cross up, and was Korry's best friend in Alabama, and the last person to see her alive.  He asked what different things said, and i read it to him as best as I could so he could understand in his mind what it was about.  He asked again if momma was buried there, and I told him no, momma wasn't buried she just went straight up to Heaven to be an angel.  His comment about loving her and missing her and how he had happy memories of her, really broke my heart. When we got back to the car, he got in and Paul hugged me tight while I cried for a few minutes. Paul trying to be supportive, said "you miss her like I miss Alan".  I know he meant well, but later I thought to myself. It is nowhere near the same.  But it did give me an idea of the depth that he is feeling the loss of his brother who passed just a few months ago.
I hope that by taking Jazsper down there and letting him do/say what he feels, will help him down the road.  I really worry about Dominick's understanding of andy passing.  They have not given him anything tangible to grasp a hold of. There is no place of memorial, there is no explanation of death. He really just thinks they left him in ND. He was cremated as well, and Kelsey has the urn, but even that has not been discussed.  I have told Jazsper that Korry's urn is her special box, that helps us remember her. I have told him there is nothing in the box, it is just to help us remember her.  Dominick has none of these things.  I worry that he will have issues with this as time goes by. especially if Kelsey remarries. Will he worry that his new "daddy" will leave or be left again? But there really isn't anything I can say to him, that is Kelsey's job, and I am sure she would NOT appreciate me trying to help. I have given her books, and articles to help him, but she has chose to not mention, so it doesn't make her cry in front of him. It's not really denial, it is just "push it to the back burner as much as possible"
Jazsper is loving baseball, and doing awesome. I mentioned to him one time that his momma must be so proud, that she is looking down from Heaven watching, and he looked up and said where? I don't see her. Won't do that again!!!!!!! I just sort of brushed it off and decided not to say anything in the future!!! It was 2 1/2 years, this past Friday. Still seems so unreal.