Closing In on 3 Years

I read an article yesterday that said something along the lines of the fact that you don’t have to remember the date of a death. That your mind and body remember it for you.

We are approaching the completion of 3 years without Korry. I can tell while I am working that my mind is already not connecting 100%.  I struggle with days of the week, what date next week is, and I am a mess already. I have felt the pull of my heart and tears a lot over the last month. The roller coaster continues for me, as I am sure it will forever.  I would expect nothing less when I think of it.  But on a day to day basis, I don’t always realize what is going on.  I have to stop myself and say “grief is strong today”.

This past Saturday my husband and I had taken Jazsper to the park to play. We picnicked and were there for a few hours. While Jazsper was playing with some of the kids there, my husband started talking about the loss of his brother (Feb 14,2016) and some things that were bothering him and affecting him. It was unusual because he doesn’t discuss his death much, and doesn’t like to bring his brother up.  I was proud of him for talking because he never does and I thought maybe he was starting to come around. But after a few other conversations since then, I have learned that it is only ok to bring up his brother when my husband wants to, not just at any time.

Same day as we were driving home, Jazsper commented that he wanted to stop at his momma’s cross and talk to her. (Day for remembrance for some reason. He had not heard our conversation at all!!) This was the first time he ever asked to do this, so it caught me off guard, but we stopped and walked over to the cross. He sang a few songs, wanted to know what was written on it; just sort of hung out for a few minutes. Then he was ready to leave. So we walked back to the car.

That night he started crying when I put him to bed. He said he didn’t feel good, then said he missed his cousin Dominick, and wanted him to spend the night. This was odd because Dominick rarely spends the night. So, I brought him back out to my chair and rocked him, then laid him in my bed to sleep and he had a smile on his face and went right back to sleep. And now 5 days later, he is still having trouble sleeping.  I know it is brought on by his feelings for Korry. I think that he misses her, but cant really  pinpoint his emotions to know that is what is going on.

I think he is just lonely for her, and wants company while he is sleeping. I totally understand that. There are so many nights, most in fact, that I wish I could just curl up in someone’s arms and let them hold me till I fall asleep and forget the hurt. My husband doesn’t understand this and is not a touchy-feely.  So I feel this loneliness most every night. So, if this is the problem I really understand. I am so tempted to just curl up with him in his bed and hold him and let him and I both sleep. My husband would never understand that.  Also, I have worked so hard for jazsper to go to sleep in his own bed without me rocking him to sleep, and then stay in his bed all night, I hate to regress and go back to where we were. So much of me just aches for this little boy, and what may be going on in his little head and heart.