And yet another

Not sure when I wrote last, other than it was after Kelsey's husband died. A month after that, my husband's brother died. He had a heart attack and never really came back from it well, then his body just shut down... I am really tired of death. A very dear young coworker's husband just finished his 3 year battle with cancer, as well.  They have a young boy about 6 or 7.  The last few years have been consumed with grieving of some sort or other.
Yesterday, Jazsper went to a birthday party for one of the kids at preschool. He was so excited and had so much fun (even tho he was a bit under the weather). Driving home, I again was overcome with the thought that Korry should have been the one taking him. Most of the other people there were in there 20's, and Korry would have really enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time and there was a couple other mom's that were in their 40's, that I visited with. It was just something that should have been Korry's momma thing.
Really struggling to keep it together today. I feel like I am on the verge of tears constantly.  Especially as I type.  I am feeling the whole in my heart very strongly lately. I think because of Kelsey and watching her pain, and thinking of all the firsts that her baby will go thru without a dad. It just breaks my heart and I know all the firsts that Jazsper has and will be going thru. And all that is just developing into heart break, heart ache, and tears.  All three of my grandkids will grow up without a parent, due to death... That is just too insane to even focus on.  I am just glad that I go to my therapist every month. I would never be able to keep it together without her and my good friend karen.