Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

I find it interesting that Paul is totally unaware, as I mentioned before.  Today we happened to talk about Thanksgiving, and I  made the comment that holidays are really hard for me. And he questioned my comment almost sarcastically. I looked at him and said "yeah, they are hard, I have a chunk out of my heart, I may look like I am doing ok, but I am not even close to OK". He just changed the subject over to talking to Jazsper.  I don't get it. Does he really think that this doesn't affect me? It is like so many comments I read... People think that you are doing fine, that you have moved on, that all is ok, because time has gone by and you are not crying constantly......  I am finally seeing the pain that I read about. The pain from people acting like nothing happened. I really think that in Paul's mind this is just a ploy of some sort.  That I am USING this for pity or something.  I can't describe how much that hurts. That my own husband even thinks that ...

It is interesting to me that the holidays are harder this year than they were last year. Especially Thanksgiving. Once again, I don't want to cook and have people over. Which is fine with me and not a problem, but my husband just doesn't get it.  It is like he thinks everything is back to normal now, and that I am handling everything fine.  It is so insensitive, and it really surprises me. I don't discuss a lot in front of him, because it bothers him that he can't fix it, and I think he really doesn't want to see my emotional side of this. Which is crazy.  It is all part of this. I notice my irritability level is up again, it started the beginning of october and has just gotten worse and worse. I think a lot of it is the stress over Thanksgiving. Without asking, Paul has invited his daughter over. The one I like the least and the one who refuses to use serving utensils.. ok, so this is a big pet peeve of mine. not the person I want to have over for thanksgiving. And...

Looking up at the clouds while I was sitting on the glider with Jazsper asleep, the first shape I saw was of a heart.  Just as clear as could be.  Then another.. Then a shape of a traditional angel flying, but the arm was outreached and bent into a wave, it was on the 29th. I couldn't help but think she was sending me so much love and saying, "I am watching over you and I am here, it's OK".. It was the best feeling.

Today is 2 years from that dreadful night that took Korry's life.  I was thinking this morning of how her "loss" is public, but my "ache" is so private. No one besides my therapist knows the ache in my heart these days. Yes, normally I am doing fine, and live life again, but there are days when I am a total façade.  The prayer that Becky said over me a few weeks back, has made a huge difference in my life. I am able to change the tears of tragedy into tears of joy and peace from happy memories of Korry's life. Today is not one of the good days, in fact it has not been a good couple of days.  last year I took the whole week off. this year I just took yesterday, today, and tomorrow off. Mistake!!!  I should have taken the whole week, not just the last 3 days of it.  Tuesday I struggled so much trying to keep it together and not start crying. so many times I was biting my lip trying to make the emotional wave stay below the surface. It was tough. especia...

I think I have reached a turning point. I feel much better. I know that as the 2 year mark comes up next month, I have a tendency to be more irritable.  At least I hope that is why I am irritable! As Jazsper reaches milestones, now, or does something cool, I don't always think "I wish Korry was here for this".  My thoughts are that she is watching him from above, and she sees these wonderful things. Sometimes I will comment when I am alone looking up at the sky "Did you see that?" and comment on how wonderful Jazsper is.  This morning was Childhood Cancer Awareness Super Heroes day at preschool this morning.  As we spent time this weekend with Spiderman costume, it didn't even cross my mind about wishing Korry could see this.  It isn't that I forget about her, because I would never want to do that, it is more that I don't feel sad at her missing things, and I have come to accept that she be here for these things.  Jazsper and I talk about her alot wh...

I haven't written much lately, because for the most part I am feeling fairly good, all things considered.  Jazsper seems to be doing good.  He needed to speak with his dad, and they now talk every couple weeks or so.  I feel Jazsper needs it since he started asking a few questions about his dad.  We went to the beach, I bought an extravagant purse I have wanted for years, and I started feeling good. Funny, when I mentioned it to a couple friends they looked at me and said "its OK to feel good"..It really helped and I was surprised that maybe perhaps I did feel like I shouldn't be feeling OK ever.... I guess I needed permission, sort of..... It made a big difference in me. They had no idea what it meant to me.  Last week however, I was having a rough morning, and stopped by a coworker area, and was talking with a couple people I don't see very often, but that I am close to.  When they asked how I was, it hit me again and I started crying. I got hugs of cours...

In my internet "favorite" bar I have one of the websites from Korry's crash saved. I don't pull it up very often, in fact rarely, but it is just the last information on her.  I was going to show it to a coworker, but I thought... hmm I bet she would think that is weird.  It comforts me having it somehow.

Interestingly, as I feel like I am learning to adapt to life without Korry, other obstacles affect me more deeply. I cling to my family members, and get broken hearted when something goes astray.  Kelsey is coming for a visit in December. I was going to watch my other adorable grandson while she was here. Let him stay with me, and let her do what she needed to do. Her twit of a husband has decided he needs to spend more time with them and his family. It breaks my heart. I wish Kelsey would stand up for me and Jazsper for that matter. I cried when she told me. So I find myself building a wall to block out emotions toward her and Dominick.  I feel like I don't want to get too close and be hurt again.  I find myself not making efforts and when I do she is very short answered. I have noticed I don't care as strongly for my family members as I used to. I don't worry about them, don't try to stay involved.  Life with out Korry really sucks.  I worry so much that I wil...

One of the ladies I work with commented on how sad I looked as I walked to my car, the other day. Interesting, how that is one of the hardest times of the day.  I don't know if it is because I have finished work and the facade can finally come off, or if I look that sad all the time. It really surprised me. I know I frequently look to the sky on the way out to the car, and say Hi. I don't know what I think this accomplishes, but I can't help myself.  I am still struggling with my emotions these past weeks.  I don't know what I think I should be doing, but sometimes I feel like this is harder than how I feel at other times. Jazsper is starting to connect "sad" with his mom, and actually with his dad too. The sandlot 3 has the little boys mom die of cancer and he is sad. So I guess it is helping Jazsper to find a word for his feelings..  It sorta irritates my husband that Jazsper started this after watching the movie, but I know he has felt it before and just d...

Sometimes the hardest struggle is functioning. I find myself being very blue, yet still having to function at work and home. It makes me crabby. I don't want to talk to or deal with other people. Especially stupid ones, or demanding ones. I end up with no patience what so ever. And I become short with people. I wish I knew what triggers these moods..... It is really never anything, it just sorta starts when I get off work in the evening and I look at the sky and start talking to Korry about how much I miss her. It just kinda continues from there. Things that don't normally bother me, really cause a struggle at these times. Korry and I were close to the same size in clothes. She wore some of mine, and since she is no longer here, I have taken the clothes of hers that I liked or bought for her, that will fit me. Today I put on one of my own shirts that I haven't worn in forever because it was too small. It occurred to me that the last time I saw this shirt was on Korry. She...

I have learned to brace myself to the emotions that hit when people say things unknowingly or unthinkingly about  death or their children. For the most part I do pretty good. But this morning as I was getting ready for work and put on a black tank dress (with red embroidery on the front) my husband looked at me and said "the lady in black, are you in mourning or something?"  I could not believe him. It was all I could do to keep from saying "yes, I am in mourning and will be for a long time".  It was just so out of the blue and unkind from my standpoint. I am sure, knowing my husband, he did not realize the implications of what he said. But wow it hurt. I don't share my feelings with him about Korry any more, because he would be worried about me, even tho he knows it is a long process, from his own experiences.  He quietly understands sometimes. Like the first time Jazsper stood at Korry's cross and sang songs to her, and then said by mom, love you. I totall...

I talked with a lady yesterday, about my age, who had lost a son to suicide about a year ago. She is obviously heart broken. As I can understand. But it made me stop and think about guilt.  I don't have any guilt with Korry's accident and death. It was totally out of my control.  But I imagine if I had a child who committed suicide, I would feel so very guilty that I didn't do enough, somewhere along the line.  And I don't know how it would be to live with that.   This being said, this woman I was speaking with said her son (30 yrs old) was a good boy, no drugs, or problems like that. He was financially stable and had a good job.  For whatever reasons his girlfriend of over 8 years broke up with him and he was devastated.  Apparently this woman had been staying with him (out of state) and came back home and was unable to return soon because she became sick with the flu. This was the time the son decided to commit suicide. This is awful enough, but he s...

One of the harder things about the loss of Korry, is that she always cared about me. We never went more than a few days without talking or texting. At least that is how I remember it. And I believe it was that way once she moved back to Alabama.  Prior to that in Arizona, maybe not so much. But I got used to having her call me, text me, tell me about good and bad things. She was my first child and she was what I used to determine my value as a mother. This is all sorta hitting me right now, and these thoughts are just coming out.  My son, I hear from maybe once a month. But that is all I expect from him. I know he loves me, he is just very busy with work and gym and sleep! I had really hoped that Kelsey would step up and be a little more attentive of me. And she has improved tremendously, but it still bothers me when I don't hear from her for a long time. And I usually have to initiate the call.  She works graveyards, and so I never know when she is sleeping, and on weeke...

Most days I do OK. I have my teary moments, but on the whole they pass. What gets me are the events that trigger a deeper hurt.  Yesterday we went to the cross that marks the accident site.  The grass had grown tall and we needed to use the weedeater. My husband got the grass knocked down, as Jaz and I watched. When he was done.Jaz wanted to stay for a minute. So we waited and he started singing her his repertoire of short songs. It was so sweet. I stood there with tears as he sang.  He knows that she isn't there, technically, but it is the place where he feels he can talk to her.. breaks my heart. These are the things that take a few days to start getting thru.  He is getting to the point that he understands his mom is gone, but the other little boys moms are here.  Not much I can do but love him thru it.  Paul so badly wants for us to be the parents, so that he fits in, and has a normal family like the other boys.  I think this stems from his childh...

What a royal pain. I understand that these bonding companies are concerned about their money. But all of them require we have an attorney to handle things. They want the attorney to have to approve any actions with the estate money bank account for Jazsper. It is nuts. As I have expressed, that would just take money from Jazsper's account. I truly don't understand how the bond company can require more than what the court orders. I have spoken to quite a few companies and it is always the same. I did find one yesterday, that I talked to a bit and told him our circumstances, and he is trying to work the bond out for us. We will see. I just can't comprehend a person being placed as a conservator over someone's money, and then stealing it. That is just awful. But it must happen, otherwise there would not be so many hoops to jump thru. It just makes me sad all over again. Why can't this last part move easily??

I went to a hearing at the Probate Judge this week to finalize the closing of Korry's Estate. Mixed emotions. I am really glad to get that part of this horrific accident taken care of. But at the same time it breaks my heart that we even have an estate. I have decided that I am really glad that we didn't have a lawsuit over the accident. Have I mentioned about that? Well, in case not... The man who hit her died as well. The truck he was driving was never identified as belonging to anyone, the license plate was for a different vehicle, supposedly owned by the man. The VIN was unidentifiable after the fire. If the man had any sort of life insurance or anything else, the attorney never found out. (the attorney was pretty much useless!) His estranged wife and 3 kids may have gotten something, but I did not feel right taking from them, but the attorney never really followed up on anything either way... so there was no finances received from the accident. After going thru all this ...

My sister sent me a FB link that was awesome about the 5 things to do to help bereaved parents. I loved it. Put it on my FB page for all to read. But it triggered the flood of emotions I am already drowning in. It led me to a few other links that are for bereaved parents. One in particular really struck a cord with me. It is about how people are feeling with their loss. So many of them were right with my way of thinking. The hiding of the feelings, the facade of functioning. All of these things. The aging 10 years in one day. I posted a few of the ones that really hit home on my FB page. I also posted some of my real feelings, and asked my friends to please bear with me as I was going thru a particularly hard time on this roller coaster right now. I could not believe the overwhelming flood of support and love from tons of people, some of whom are Korry's FB freinds and I dont even know them. All wishing me love and saying they were there if I needed to talk. It was so awesome and...

My sister sent me these today. Such a great picture of my two girls. And a memorable one of the three of us.... Such a beautiful life cut short

Last week it started worse and has continued thru this week as well. As I have mentioned, I don't know what triggers it, but this time has been worse. I leave work crying, stop when I get home, start again when I leave for work and stop when I get there. It has been horrible. I just can't contain it any more. They say your brain only allows so much of a tragedy to surface at a time, and then it will release more of the tragedy as time goes by. Or something like that. Well, lately I have realized (very strongly) that Korry won't be coming back. That I will never get to talk to her or hold her or kiss her or anything. And that is crushing. Absolutely crushing me. I went to a counselor today and I talked non-stop. I just need to get it out. But it is crazy thinking that I am just now starting to realize what has truly happened. It is so surreal.The counselor helped, letting it out, I go back again in 2 weeks. I wish it was sooner, but that is her next available appointment. I...

What is it that causes the flood of emotions sometimes? Some days it hits so suddenly, and I don't know what triggers it. And it will last for a few days, getting worse over time, then mellowing again. I really hope that Jaz will not have to go thru the aches and pains that I feel. It will break my heart when he starts to understand and realize the loss that he has gone thru. He is doing so good right now. He is such a well-adjusted little boy, and so sweet and kind and nice. He is so much like Korry. I just held him and cried last night when I was rocking him. And then when I went and laid in the trundle bed with him in his room with his hand in mine as he fell asleep, I had tears pouring down. He is so precious to me. Just like Korry was. Well all my kids are. I worry so much about the other two kids, too. Once you have gone thru this you worry you will go thru it again. I thank God everyday for getting me thru another night, another day. I pray for the comfort and strength that...

I am getting to where I can make it through the day without crying!!  4 More weeks for the last court hearing, I hope... Jazsper is getting easier on both my husband and myself.. He has seen a picture of Korry decorating cookies, the last Christmas she was alive. So when we made cupcakes this past weekend, he said "I am doing this just like momma." It actually made me smile instead of being sad. I told him yep just like momma. It was the sweetest thing. I am learning to find the peace in activities instead of thinking they are all so sad. Jazsper is growing like a weed 2 inches since last July!!! His other gramma and his dad called on his birthday.. Funny all Jaz asks about is his " gramma seal" and wanting to talk on the computer ( Skype). He doesn't ever ask to talk to his dad... I wonder if he thinks his dad exists, or if it is more of a pretend thing, like his in invisible friends, and his" children " ha.. I still get sad, and cry at Times, but I c...

I wonder if people can see the tracks of my tears today. Trying to close Korry's estate has brought all the sadness back. It seems like it's one thing after another. I fired my attorney, since he wasn't doing anything and I was doing the filing and petitioning. It just hurts so bad all over again.I watch the video from the night of the accident again, read the articles again, and I am obsessing with it again.  I had gotten to where this was on the back burner of my mind and held in check and not let loose except at certain times when I knew it was okay.  I have seen a couple accidents that were bad over the last few days. I say a prayer of comfort and peace to those involved. And pray that they don't have to go through what I am going through. I miss my daughter so much.  I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, I miss watching her Jaz. I miss her passion for her friends, for her art, and the happiness she was beginning to achieve. Sometime when I'm holding Jaz, it make...