2 YEARS OF ACHE
Today is 2 years from that dreadful night that took Korry's life. I was thinking this morning of how her "loss" is public, but my "ache" is so private. No one besides my therapist knows the ache in my heart these days. Yes, normally I am doing fine, and live life again, but there are days when I am a total façade. The prayer that Becky said over me a few weeks back, has made a huge difference in my life. I am able to change the tears of tragedy into tears of joy and peace from happy memories of Korry's life.
Today is not one of the good days, in fact it has not been a good couple of days. last year I took the whole week off. this year I just took yesterday, today, and tomorrow off. Mistake!!! I should have taken the whole week, not just the last 3 days of it. Tuesday I struggled so much trying to keep it together and not start crying. so many times I was biting my lip trying to make the emotional wave stay below the surface. It was tough. especially when people would bring up Korry. Instead of my smile and happy story of her, I couldn't speak of her at all, it was more about my hurt. So I put in for the whole week next year.
It is the most bizarre thought, looking at my life and realizing Korry is no longer a living part of it. It is like the accident was just yesterday, yet it also seems like forever since I heard her voice, laugh or saw her beautiful face and smile. I think in so many ways my mind is still in denial. I no longer think that she is going to walk thru the door, but I also don't want to think that she never will walk thru the door again. That is where my mind shuts out the unfathomable. The reality of her being killed is more than I will ever be able to really handle.
I have a lot of her clothes still. In fact this morning I pulled out one of her "kick around" shirts to wear until I get cleaned up. it somehow makes her feel closer..
I put some balloons on her cross today as a memorial that everyone can see. Jazsper and I are going to set off lanterns tonight, and her friends in Arizona are sending off balloons... I still am so amazed that they are continuing the support and love for Korry. As I always say, it is just another way of showing what an amazing person, and friend she was to people.
This morning was the first time I havae been to her cross by myself. It was odd, but what I wanted. I didn't want anyone rushing me, or talking to me, or trying to comfort me. I just wanted to be there, and read the messages on her cross, the memorial to her. and have some mother/daughter time. just her and I. As I started to walk down the side of the road from where my car was parked, a dog came up and started following me, a pit bull... I told him to go home and shooo... but he just trotted along behind me with his mouth open almost in a smile. When I stooped to tie the balloons to the cross, he just stood quietly a few feet away, smiling... he stayed there while I stood there thinking about my wonderful daughter. and when I walked back to my car, he followed me, then just sorta stayed by my car as I cried, then when I started my car to leave, he stepped back out of the way and then I left... it was the coolest thing... it was almost like he was keeping me company, without saying a word... I so much wanted to hug him. but instead just told him thank you. he looked up and smiled... The Lord is always showing me comfort when I need it, even in unconventional ways. the dog was my little guardian angel..
I lit korry's memory candle. I will let it burn until I go to bed tonite. paul doesn't understand that I don't want to go and do anything today, or yesterday. or probably tomorrow either. I don't want to have to put on a "nice" face to strangers. I want to be able to let my hurt out, and if it shows on my face, I don't care.. it needs to.
I miss my korry girl so very much. the whole in my heart is truly an ache that can be felt. But I hope it never goes away. a piece of my heart is truly missing and I don't want it to heal. It never can.....
Today is not one of the good days, in fact it has not been a good couple of days. last year I took the whole week off. this year I just took yesterday, today, and tomorrow off. Mistake!!! I should have taken the whole week, not just the last 3 days of it. Tuesday I struggled so much trying to keep it together and not start crying. so many times I was biting my lip trying to make the emotional wave stay below the surface. It was tough. especially when people would bring up Korry. Instead of my smile and happy story of her, I couldn't speak of her at all, it was more about my hurt. So I put in for the whole week next year.
It is the most bizarre thought, looking at my life and realizing Korry is no longer a living part of it. It is like the accident was just yesterday, yet it also seems like forever since I heard her voice, laugh or saw her beautiful face and smile. I think in so many ways my mind is still in denial. I no longer think that she is going to walk thru the door, but I also don't want to think that she never will walk thru the door again. That is where my mind shuts out the unfathomable. The reality of her being killed is more than I will ever be able to really handle.
I have a lot of her clothes still. In fact this morning I pulled out one of her "kick around" shirts to wear until I get cleaned up. it somehow makes her feel closer..
I put some balloons on her cross today as a memorial that everyone can see. Jazsper and I are going to set off lanterns tonight, and her friends in Arizona are sending off balloons... I still am so amazed that they are continuing the support and love for Korry. As I always say, it is just another way of showing what an amazing person, and friend she was to people.
This morning was the first time I havae been to her cross by myself. It was odd, but what I wanted. I didn't want anyone rushing me, or talking to me, or trying to comfort me. I just wanted to be there, and read the messages on her cross, the memorial to her. and have some mother/daughter time. just her and I. As I started to walk down the side of the road from where my car was parked, a dog came up and started following me, a pit bull... I told him to go home and shooo... but he just trotted along behind me with his mouth open almost in a smile. When I stooped to tie the balloons to the cross, he just stood quietly a few feet away, smiling... he stayed there while I stood there thinking about my wonderful daughter. and when I walked back to my car, he followed me, then just sorta stayed by my car as I cried, then when I started my car to leave, he stepped back out of the way and then I left... it was the coolest thing... it was almost like he was keeping me company, without saying a word... I so much wanted to hug him. but instead just told him thank you. he looked up and smiled... The Lord is always showing me comfort when I need it, even in unconventional ways. the dog was my little guardian angel..
I lit korry's memory candle. I will let it burn until I go to bed tonite. paul doesn't understand that I don't want to go and do anything today, or yesterday. or probably tomorrow either. I don't want to have to put on a "nice" face to strangers. I want to be able to let my hurt out, and if it shows on my face, I don't care.. it needs to.
I miss my korry girl so very much. the whole in my heart is truly an ache that can be felt. But I hope it never goes away. a piece of my heart is truly missing and I don't want it to heal. It never can.....
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