Reality Is Setting In

Last week it started worse and has continued thru this week as well. As I have mentioned, I don't know what triggers it, but this time has been worse. I leave work crying, stop when I get home, start again when I leave for work and stop when I get there. It has been horrible. I just can't contain it any more. They say your brain only allows so much of a tragedy to surface at a time, and then it will release more of the tragedy as time goes by. Or something like that. Well, lately I have realized (very strongly) that Korry won't be coming back. That I will never get to talk to her or hold her or kiss her or anything. And that is crushing. Absolutely crushing me. I went to a counselor today and I talked non-stop. I just need to get it out. But it is crazy thinking that I am just now starting to realize what has truly happened. It is so surreal.The counselor helped, letting it out, I go back again in 2 weeks. I wish it was sooner, but that is her next available appointment. I do feel much better. Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar or manic depressive or something. It seems like at times I am doing so well, then at others I am plummeting.. I just feel like I am tired of holding it all in and putting on a happy face, I want to just cry for a few days and then I will be better. Of course I cant do that, I have a job and a child. Besides Paul would never let me have a pity party, even if it is just for a few days. I actually thought of having my doctor admit me to the hospital for a few days, because I couldn't stop crying. But then I realized, what would Paul and Jazsper do.... I couldn't do that to them. I have gotten to where I can't even talk about Korry without crying, now. This hasn't been the problem for quite a while, so I don't understand the fact that it is a major problem now.....