This affects so much of life
Interestingly, as I feel like I am learning to adapt to life without Korry, other obstacles affect me more deeply. I cling to my family members, and get broken hearted when something goes astray. Kelsey is coming for a visit in December. I was going to watch my other adorable grandson while she was here. Let him stay with me, and let her do what she needed to do. Her twit of a husband has decided he needs to spend more time with them and his family. It breaks my heart. I wish Kelsey would stand up for me and Jazsper for that matter. I cried when she told me. So I find myself building a wall to block out emotions toward her and Dominick. I feel like I don't want to get too close and be hurt again. I find myself not making efforts and when I do she is very short answered. I have noticed I don't care as strongly for my family members as I used to. I don't worry about them, don't try to stay involved. Life with out Korry really sucks. I worry so much that I will mess up raising Jazsper. that somehow I am going to make the same mistakes with him that I did with my other children. hopefully Paul will be a strong enough good influence that Jazsper will make some good choices.
Some days I am just so tired. And want all this mess to be over, go away, or wake up from a bad dream. I know I just need time, but its hard. I cant explain what I feel, deep inside. the reality that a part of me, myself, has gone from my life and can never return. It changes a person. on so many levels. not just the grief of child loss. the ache for Jazsper to have and know his momma. I ramble a lot because I really don't have a direction in my conversations. I haven't been to my counselor in almost a month. she didn't have any openings. she really seems to help. I think I go this coming Friday, I hope so. I cant quite describe what I feel, I just know its rough. I didn't realize the depth of how this would affect me. I talk to people who have had a child die, and sometimes I wonder if they are doing as good as they appear, or if they too, are putting on a façade. I actually came across a person today who is raising 3 of his grandchildren. 17, 14, and 8. the mom died about 6 years ago, and then the dad died recently. it broke my heart for the couple and for the kids. but the people seemed ok. they were older like paul, and commented on how they run them ragged. but it wasn't a complaint, just a fact of a new life adjustment. as we do. Jazsper is now in preschool 8-12 every day. I drop him in the morning and then paul picks him up. its hard on paul because it only leaves him with about 3 1/2 hours a day to do what he needs. I know it bothers him, but he doesn't complain. he just accepts that this is what life is like these days.... he is a really good man. all I have been thru the last few years has made me love him more, even as we drift apart more and have less in common..... did I say that life really sucks without Korry?
Some days I am just so tired. And want all this mess to be over, go away, or wake up from a bad dream. I know I just need time, but its hard. I cant explain what I feel, deep inside. the reality that a part of me, myself, has gone from my life and can never return. It changes a person. on so many levels. not just the grief of child loss. the ache for Jazsper to have and know his momma. I ramble a lot because I really don't have a direction in my conversations. I haven't been to my counselor in almost a month. she didn't have any openings. she really seems to help. I think I go this coming Friday, I hope so. I cant quite describe what I feel, I just know its rough. I didn't realize the depth of how this would affect me. I talk to people who have had a child die, and sometimes I wonder if they are doing as good as they appear, or if they too, are putting on a façade. I actually came across a person today who is raising 3 of his grandchildren. 17, 14, and 8. the mom died about 6 years ago, and then the dad died recently. it broke my heart for the couple and for the kids. but the people seemed ok. they were older like paul, and commented on how they run them ragged. but it wasn't a complaint, just a fact of a new life adjustment. as we do. Jazsper is now in preschool 8-12 every day. I drop him in the morning and then paul picks him up. its hard on paul because it only leaves him with about 3 1/2 hours a day to do what he needs. I know it bothers him, but he doesn't complain. he just accepts that this is what life is like these days.... he is a really good man. all I have been thru the last few years has made me love him more, even as we drift apart more and have less in common..... did I say that life really sucks without Korry?
Comments
Post a Comment