Lack of Understanding

I find it interesting that Paul is totally unaware, as I mentioned before.  Today we happened to talk about Thanksgiving, and I  made the comment that holidays are really hard for me. And he questioned my comment almost sarcastically. I looked at him and said "yeah, they are hard, I have a chunk out of my heart, I may look like I am doing ok, but I am not even close to OK". He just changed the subject over to talking to Jazsper.  I don't get it. Does he really think that this doesn't affect me? It is like so many comments I read... People think that you are doing fine, that you have moved on, that all is ok, because time has gone by and you are not crying constantly......  I am finally seeing the pain that I read about. The pain from people acting like nothing happened. I really think that in Paul's mind this is just a ploy of some sort.  That I am USING this for pity or something.  I can't describe how much that hurts. That my own husband even thinks that I should be "over it" by now. REALLY???? I will never be over it.  I just try to continue living every day the best I can. That I am functioning for Jazsper.  I think sometimes Paul has more sympathy/understanding for Jazsper than he does for me.  I think he sees it as a weakness in me, and of course I am not supposed to be weak about anything. I am just supposed to suck it up. I just don't understand it. Does he really think this is something that I can just keep inside and never show or let on that I am grieving. That I will always be grieving.. I may not cry a lot, (I wonder sometimes if I have run out of tears) but the hurt is still there, I am just trying to think happy memories. I wish there was some way to really sit and talk with paul, but it is just not something he is interested in doing. It would be so much easier if I could just walk up to him and hug him and just say, I am really missing Korry and have him hold me.  but that is not the way he does things, and it makes it very hard.

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