Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

I could not believe the fear I had taking Jazsper to school today. He was fine of course, but just the thought. Very few people are truly sympathetic of the panic that set in with me. I don't mean sympathetic in the sense of "poor me" but sympathetic in the sense of they get it. They understand why I am such a wreck over this. I know it was a prank of some sort.  But still. I know the kids were safe when we were notified. But still. Jazsper is part of Korry, and Korry is forever gone to this earth. If something were to happen to Jazsper, it would be unbearable. And things like this do happen. In good areas, with no warning.  As far as I can tell, the schools that have had shootings, are not in ghettos. The shooter is not from a lower class family. They are from regular homes like ours. The schools are regular schools like ours. I will never take it for granted again that he is safe at school. I will now always worry. At least it feels like it at this point. As always ...

I was finally starting to pull it together when I got to work this morning. It is Halloween, so it is always a fun day looking at all the creative costumes of our 300+ employees... Today was an exceptionally creative year. And then I get a text from Jazsper's school. They have evacuated all the children to the school buses and they are parked away from the school at the baseball field out back.  Some idiot called in some sort of a threat. But my heart. I couldn't even breathe. Literally. I fell apart completely. I called Paul and he immediately went to the school to get Jazsper and make sure he was safe. I truly don't know what I would do if something happened to Jazsper. I was so so very scared. The sherrifs/troopers/police went thru the school and it was deemed safe to go back in, but I had Paul bring Jazsper home. I wanted him home. where he is safe. What kind of a person does such a thing? How scary is it thinking that it is not 100% safe for my little boy going to s...

Kelsey,the boys, and I took some balloons to Korry's cross this morning. 4 balloons, one for each year. We stayed a minute or two. Each in our own thoughts. Jazsper was uncharacteristically quiet.  No comment, no song. I wonder, does he realize the significance of what today is. I don't ever say why we are doing special balloons and stuff.  No sense going into details on this. Kelsey and kids spent the day with us again; working on Dominick's Halloween costume, and keeping me company. Paul continued to make stupid or sarcastic comments all day. At some point he had to have realized today's significance. But instead of helping, and maybe cutting me some slack, he just continued to irritate me. Almost like he was doing it on purpose. To make it clear that he did not think I should be extra sensitive today. I understand if he doesn't remember what today is. He doesn't remember anything. And Korry was not his daughter, so I don't expect him to know the date. I ...

Seriously???? My husband just said to me, you seem kinda off today, everything ok........ Seriously??? He never ceases to amaze me with his lack of empathy and compassion. Yes something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong. My daughter was killed 4 years ago today. And I am allowing myself a day of selfish wallowing, self pity and grief!!!!

Not sure where to start. Yesterday morning I didn't get to say good by to Jazsper at school. I didn't get a chance to say I love you. To most people that seems like no big deal. But to someone who knows how precious every second of life is, and that we are never guaranteed to see someone in this life again, that is a big deal. So my day started a bit off and I was some what emotional.  I had a mandatory meeting during my lunch time with a psychologist doing a presentation on Customer Service. I want to stop here to clarify. I am all about Customer Service. One of the reasons I love what I do is the fact that I know that at some point in my day I have made a difference and helped someone. I work with people that pray for every extra second of their lives due to cancer.  And I know I am good at what I do. Not patting myself on the back or bragging on myself. I just know this is my calling. I love my job and it means so much to me to hear a patient tell me what a difference I h...

I have been so irritable. At so many things. I am trying so hard not to be, but it doesn't seem to help! So I looked at last year this time; sure enough I talk about how irritable I am over little things.  Maybe this is just something that will happen each year. It only seems to be the week or so before. Well at least that is when it is worse! I am always irritable, but that has been lifelong. :) I have noticed more of a speech problem the last few weeks/month. I am frequently saying the wrong word. I catch it immediately, and most of the time I can correct it. Once in a while however, I can't think of the word. Drives me nuts some times.  Again, I never know if it is Alzheimer's creeping in, grief, or just dense brain! Not sure people really understand how much grief affects the brain.  It is not something that I think will ever go away. It is always a longing to see the other person, and knowing that you can't. It really messes with you. Hard to believe it has been ...

It's that time of year. It will be 4 years since God took Korry up to Heaven in a couple weeks. I am so teary over so much. My meds only work up to a point. (which I am happy about .... I don't want to be numb).  Seems like every time I get alone I start to cry. Whether it is in the car or alone at night after Jazsper has gone to bed. Sometimes it is so overwhelming when I think of the loss of my wonderful Korry. But as I mentioned the other day, angels/wings have been so noticeable.  Driving home I often start talking to Korry and look to the sky and I will see rays of sun coming out of whatever clouds are up in the sky, and I know its her sending her love.  But something odd happened yesterday. I was driving home, crying of course, and started telling Korry how much I love and miss her. Well when I look up to the sky there were very few clouds, Certainly none thick enough to block the sun. But one cluster of wispy clouds stood out from all the rest.  I know I have ...

Driving home 2 nights ago, I looked in the sky and I swear all the clouds looked like angels and angel wings. It was so welcoming. I miss Korry and watch the sky constantly for signs that she is nearby and watching. I know she is, but it's always nice to have a reassurance. And it was crazy. All around I was surrounded by angel wings. What a warm embrace I was given.

So it is only October 2. But yet, I am already teary, and my heart physically aches. I actually took a xanax because I just couldn't breathe. I don't know how my subconscious keeps track of the months but somehow it does. I hurt so bad already. and I still have 27 days until the day that marks when Korry got her wings. It will be 4 years this year. And sitting here typing I am already starting to tear up again. Normally I am fine, I can discuss Korry with not too much problem. And smile when I think of her. But not today.  In some ways I am glad for days like today, when I just want to sit and cry. It helps remind me that I have lost a precious daughter, and my life has changed and will never be the same. I pray for God's comfort and warm hugs to help me get thru this, and as always He will be there, for He is always there, it is me that wanders. He is truly my rock in the storm that is my life.

I know that Jazsper and Dominick and Andie will all have some sort of issues at some point in time regarding their lack of a parent. And it is heart wrenching. I just think it is awful that they don't have one of their parents. It is so sad and such a loss for them. But I was speaking to a friend today who told me the home situation of another boy that is on Jazsper's baseball team. At last night's game, I asked if he was coming and the wife of the coach, who I am acquaintances with commented that she didn't think he would be back for the last few games, there were some personal issues at home. It was sad to think home life could interrupt playing baseball, but he was the second player to stop playing because of something going on at home. What my friend told me was a real life changer for a child. While his mom was in helping him shower and getting the soap out of his hair, his step dad came in, grabbed her by the hair, dragged her out with a gun in his hand. How do...

There has been so much the last few weeks.  I met Jazsper's dad half way so Jazsper could see him and his baby brother (and other brother) for a long weekend over Labor Day. We all had a really good visit. Greg's wife is rather disturbing. She really was trying to sell herself and how wonderful she is, and what a great person/wife/mom she is.... Of course my red flag went up because it sounded like she was going to suggest they have Jazsper live with them. I was partially right. She was suggesting maybe next summer. Wow. She then went on to say how she could not think of letting her son Jaxon (same age as Jazsper) go and stay somewhere.... yet she  would expect me to send Jazsper.  I just left it with "its a long way off". But it really bothered me. I know that I have custody of Jazsper, and that Greg would have to go to court in Alabama to take him from me, and I really don't think he would do that, but it still puts a red flag in the back of my mind. Then for s...

I worry sometimes that I use my grief as a reason for all my problems. I have been pretty down lately, but I think it was because Jazsper started 1st grade this week. A milestone that Korry should have been here for.  The milestones are really starting to effect me. It seems like they are always coming up and I am always wishing she was here for it, and it makes me sad. I also think it is clouding my brain some too. Or is this just me? Difficult to discern what really is the cause of it all.  I struggled with depression for so many years prior to moving to Alabama, I worry that it is coming back.  But as I have also decided I have been thru so much in the last few years....... Jazsper starting 1st grade was made harder by his independence. He didn't want me to walk him into school and help him get to where he needed to go. He wanted me to go thru the car drop off and he could do it by himself.  I cried at how big he is getting.  Korry would be so proud of him. ...

I was watching the news last night, and they were talking with the parents from the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. I understand that the last place you expect your young child to get killed is at school. I also realize how shocking that would be and how devastating for the parents. But as they were talking to these parents they made it sound like their loss was so much different. That their loss was so horrible. That their loss will change their lives forever.  That these parents lost their children and how unfair that was. I swear it was just about gun control. Which I think is an even worse reason for re-approaching these parents. But, I couldn't help thinking. My loss of Korry was sudden, unexpected. She was killed by an idiot driver. Do I campaign against idiot drivers???? I do understand the difference between the two incidents, but I find it hard to believe that their hearts hurt more than mine. They talk about how they don't want their child to be forgotten, that the...

I have finally realized that I think my life is normal and like everyone else. Only to come to the conclusion that it is nowhere near normal. My life always has the background of losing mom (11/2011), losing dad (8/2013), losing Korry (10/2013), losing Kelsey's husband (1/2016), and Paul's brother (2/2016). How can I ever expect to be normal. I mean, seriously, there is nothing normal at the way I look at life and the way my mind works/reacts. I thought about that this weekend. My mind just doesn't work like it should. It is slower (may be an age issue! haha) But the fog that I live in, will never lift completely. I will never have all my brain cells back. No joke. It is a fact of life that this is my life. I realized this weekend, that Paul treated me with kit gloves after Korry died. He didn't expect anything from me and he was always waiting for the nervous breakdown, that never happened. But because of that, I expected (subconsciously maybe?) that he would always h...

I was sitting last night trying to review my sleep issues. I don't seem to fall asleep early. I am up til midnite most nights, and then I have to get up at 5:30. I get so tired. I finally realized that perhaps (one of those hmmmmmm momments) I am not able to actually fall asleep because I don't want to run the chance of being woken up at 3:00 am with a phone call of something terrible happening.... I thought about this for a while. I used to have problems staying asleep, but now I stay asleep fine, it is just that I can't GET to sleep. That was the time I got a phone call about Korry's accident. It was about the time Kelsey called me to tell me her husband was in the hospital, and it was about that time that my husband got a call that his brother was about to die in the hospital. (he had been in for a few days.) I think this is just a conglomeration of issues that my brain associates some how with sleeping. I feel a little better about it. Perhaps now I can work on add...

I had a patient come in today and she saw a picture of Kelsey's wedding day. I have never seen this patient before, and of course she commented on how pretty and nice, but then she went on. She went on to say how hard it is for moms when their children leave home. When they get married it is just not the same. She continued on and on about how hard it is when children leave home, and how much you want them back. I told her I understood more than she realized. I probably would have been fine if she had stopped at that point. But she just kept on for another few minutes and it has now put me on the brink of tears thinking about how much I wish Korry was with me here on Earth. I am still struggling a few hours later. Luckily I have been so busy, it has not allowed the tears to fall, but it hit me really hard.

People who have not lost a child just don't understand the long-term impact. The lack of interest in other people and their family's  day to day trivial problems, really don't have any meaning to me. I don't keep up with families of other people all I want to do is be by myself it's not necessarily a depression, it's just not wanting to be around everyone else and all of their miscellaneous issues. They are nothing compared to what I have been through and I have no patience for listening to it. I think I am just having a grumpy day.

Kelsey and I (and baby Andie) did a 5K Saturday, March 18, 2017. It was a "color vibe". They don't keep time and you run/walk whatever speed you want. Additionally, color powder (cornstarch blend) is thrown at you at points during the race. We had a wonderful time. It was so fun. Probably the slowest 5K ever for me, but I really haven't been into running too much since Korry died. It was great spending time with Kelsey doing something fun. She definitely needed it, as did I.  After the race, there was music playing. Kelsey and I were getting ready to leave the area when "Don't Stop Believing" started playing. We both stopped walking and had to sing along! It was memorable for Korry because one of the movies she liked had a funny scene with that song in it, and it always makes me think of her. It was memorable for Andy, Kelsey's deceased husband, because it is the song they danced to at their wedding. Jazsper hit a home run last night at his baseball...

Jazsper had his birthday on Feb 24. He was sick with the flu. But he did ok. He is now 6yrs old. He has lived with me more than he lived with Korry. Wow, that is so amazing. It seems crazy to think about it. It's just an odd thought. Since he was sick on his birthday, we had to postpone his party, so he had it this past weekend. It was a lot of fun. We had family, kids from school, parents. It was really great.  I am so glad we are able to do fun stuff with him. It was at a tumbling gym. they had tramp pads, big blow up slide and jumper, foam pit. Lots of fun stuff. the kids ran around and around it was so nice. I haven't planned parties in so long. It was a little stressful hostessing it as "momma" but it went really well. Jazsper is such a sweet boy. He got a phone call from his brother cypress yesterday. I am glad they keep in touch. his cousin gregory, text asking if i could send some pics of Jazsper because he was missing him. It is so sad sometimes. It finally...

Driving home tonight, I came upon an accident that had just happened. When I stopped and asked if they needed help, the people just sorta shrugged their shoulders not knowing. They were carrying someone from a car to the grass. I had to pull over and help. There were two little kids, a boy 4 and a girl 8. They were fine just scared. The little girl complained of her chest hurting, so I asked her if I could look. She just had rash from the seat belt. But it hurt real bad. The little boy said his tummy hurt, and there were no marks there and it didn't seem to be tender at all, and after a few minutes he said nothing hurt. The father came over and checked on them but was busy worrying about his wife. I never did make it over to that side of the intersection to see how she was. The father wouldn't tell me in front of his kids how she was. I was petrified. All the memories of Korry and her accident came back to me. She was already dead when they got her from the car, but I know ther...

It finally hit last night. I don’t know what happened to trigger it, but Jazsper had a total melt down. I had stepped outside to check the barbecue and when I went to open the door to go back in, Jazsper was opening it also, completely in tears. I honestly thought he was severely hurt. As I picked him up and asked what was wrong, all he could get out was “I miss my momma”. Talk about a heart break. He cried for a good 5-10 minutes. I just sat and held him in the rocker and rocked. He finally started to calm down, but he was so clingy. He didn’t want to sit in his chair for dinner, he wanted to be in my lap. He NEVER does that. He sat during dinner with his hand on me. Most unusual behavior.   He has not had a real meltdown ever, since Korry was killed.   He couldn’t pin point what started the tears. He had had a good day at school, and after school with papa. He just all of a sudden started to miss his momma. I have no idea what happened to start this. I spoke with a ch...

Here we are at the start of a new year. I have to start by saying, I am grumpy, sad and really tired of being this way.  It has been brought to my attention (by my counselor) that I am caring for those around me, but in return, I have no one to comfort me. As I have discussed before, my husband wants to shut it away and not mention it, so I really can't turn to him. Kelsey struggles enough herself, I don't need to add to it. So that leaves me alone. I have not snapped out of this season of struggle like I normally do.  I suppose it is compounded this year, and just hard to break thru to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Paul has always tried to make me happy, to see my needs and take care of them. To keep me afloat. Well with his brother dying almost a year ago, Paul's depression has worsened. He struggles so much himself that he can't see beyond it. Understandable, but just adding to my struggles because I worry about him, and because his behavior has changed to ...