Insight on Life
I have finally realized that I think my life is normal and like everyone else. Only to come to the conclusion that it is nowhere near normal. My life always has the background of losing mom (11/2011), losing dad (8/2013), losing Korry (10/2013), losing Kelsey's husband (1/2016), and Paul's brother (2/2016). How can I ever expect to be normal. I mean, seriously, there is nothing normal at the way I look at life and the way my mind works/reacts.
I thought about that this weekend. My mind just doesn't work like it should. It is slower (may be an age issue! haha) But the fog that I live in, will never lift completely. I will never have all my brain cells back. No joke. It is a fact of life that this is my life. I realized this weekend, that Paul treated me with kit gloves after Korry died. He didn't expect anything from me and he was always waiting for the nervous breakdown, that never happened. But because of that, I expected (subconsciously maybe?) that he would always have the same treatment of me. But as time has gone by he has just gotten more and more irritated with my lack of brains, instead of understanding that this is life for me. Most days I still want to just curl up and do nothing. I think because I am never given that opportunity.... never a chance to curl up and just fade for the day...
I am hoping that having this new insight on life, it will help me to better understand that people are treating me as a normal person with a normal background.
God has blessed me with such comfort during these times, and I am ever thankful for that. I could never even begin to put on a smile and try to continue living without him.
Perhaps it will help me to have a better relationship with Paul. I know it does help me with Jazsper. I try to empathize with what he must be going thru. And that at times functioning is beyond our control. But we still have to continue with each day and put one foot in front of the other. I am careful to not let him use the "I miss my momma" when he doesn't want to do something and starts crying. He needs to focus on what is really making him cry, and most times it has nothing to do with missing his mom....
I thought about that this weekend. My mind just doesn't work like it should. It is slower (may be an age issue! haha) But the fog that I live in, will never lift completely. I will never have all my brain cells back. No joke. It is a fact of life that this is my life. I realized this weekend, that Paul treated me with kit gloves after Korry died. He didn't expect anything from me and he was always waiting for the nervous breakdown, that never happened. But because of that, I expected (subconsciously maybe?) that he would always have the same treatment of me. But as time has gone by he has just gotten more and more irritated with my lack of brains, instead of understanding that this is life for me. Most days I still want to just curl up and do nothing. I think because I am never given that opportunity.... never a chance to curl up and just fade for the day...
I am hoping that having this new insight on life, it will help me to better understand that people are treating me as a normal person with a normal background.
God has blessed me with such comfort during these times, and I am ever thankful for that. I could never even begin to put on a smile and try to continue living without him.
Perhaps it will help me to have a better relationship with Paul. I know it does help me with Jazsper. I try to empathize with what he must be going thru. And that at times functioning is beyond our control. But we still have to continue with each day and put one foot in front of the other. I am careful to not let him use the "I miss my momma" when he doesn't want to do something and starts crying. He needs to focus on what is really making him cry, and most times it has nothing to do with missing his mom....
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