Continuing to have Breakdowns
Not sure where to start. Yesterday morning I didn't get to say good by to Jazsper at school. I didn't get a chance to say I love you. To most people that seems like no big deal. But to someone who knows how precious every second of life is, and that we are never guaranteed to see someone in this life again, that is a big deal.
So my day started a bit off and I was some what emotional. I had a mandatory meeting during my lunch time with a psychologist doing a presentation on Customer Service.
I want to stop here to clarify. I am all about Customer Service. One of the reasons I love what I do is the fact that I know that at some point in my day I have made a difference and helped someone. I work with people that pray for every extra second of their lives due to cancer. And I know I am good at what I do. Not patting myself on the back or bragging on myself. I just know this is my calling. I love my job and it means so much to me to hear a patient tell me what a difference I have made for them. Whether it is the smile I offer as they walk in to see me, or the comfort I offer to them by being there and listening or making sure they are really OK. at least as much as circumstances allow. God has put me in my position and I pray every morning to listen to His promptings on helping people and what to say. There have been 4 times in the last few years, that I have reminded patients that something that shows up on a scan or lab test, does not always mean its cancer again. And I have known in my heart that their cancer is not back. And I know those promptings and words of comfort have come straight from God. And sure enough the next time they come in they are thanking me for the words of comfort and that their cancer was not back. And I know that is God working.
So back to my meeting. The guy presenting probably had good intentions. And he did have some good comments that could assist our department. But he was arrogant and condescending. the 3 other girls in the meeting with me are some of our nicest, least complaining coworkers. They too would go the extra mile for our patients and not give it thought. But the guy went off in a couple areas that I still don't know what point he was trying to get across. Even before he got to the part that bothered me, I didn't like him, and thought he was an arrogant name dropper, who really didn't know much about customer service at all. And certainly did not know how to present.
I started having a rough time when he put up a chart that listed not how many years you would have left in your "average life span" but how many weeks. I thought to myself, how inaccurate, we have no idea how many weeks any of us have left beyond the breath we are currently breathing...Most people wouldn't think much of that, but me, in my situation it began a trigger, that I really didn't need.
And then he started talking about leaving home life at home and work life at work. problems and irritations stay where they belong and are not interfering one way or the other. And then of course he started to bring his own life in as an example..... did he not see this??????
He mentioned that his wife had commented on the kids being noisy in the next room and perhaps he should go tell them to be quiet. So he said how they should enjoy their children and he said that he thought to himself about a recent client of his who had lost her three children in a car accident.....
it was more than I could stand. tears started rolling down my face. I sat until he finished, and got up immediately and left. It was all I could do not to have a complete breakdown right there in the meeting..... I took the elevator by myself down to the ground floor where I work, and realized I was crying so hard, I needed to be able to go some where. That I couldn't go back to my desk. So I went to our shipping area and sat in a chair by my friends desk. I knew it would be a 'safe' zone for me. I continued to cry and when she realized it was about Korry, she came over and hugged me, and just let me cry. I really needed that. But I couldn't believe how bad a breakdown I had. But it is that time of year. In three days it will mark four years since Korry was taken back to Heaven.
My mind has completely lost it since then. I am mixing up words worse than usual, I cant think straight. It is, I imagine, similar to someone having a stroke and trying to get the words out and knowing they aren't quite right. And I am just feeling broken, literally. and I guess that is because I am. I am not a whole functioning human being any more. I never will be.
Does it get easier???? no. I truly don't think it is ever going to get easier. I think perhaps it just becomes less raw, less in the front for a time. I feel her loss the same as the day she died. I just don't dwell on it. If I did it would be consuming, I would not be able to cope at all. So you have to keep other things on the front burner. Because having a roller coaster of a life is definitely better than having a constant tsunami that you are drowning in.
I realized today just how much I was missing Korry subconsciously, probably. I had gone to Costco a couple days ago, and was looking for a specific flower - stock. it smells wonderful, and I was just in the mood for it. I looked at Costco flowers and thru all the bouquets, and there was none, but I looked a second time and sure enough there was some, and it was purple-pink colored. I was so glad. I bought it and put it in a vase at my work so I could smell it. so sweet. But today I realized when I was having someone smell the flowers and how nice it was, I said that I had learned of Stock from the bouquet I did for Korry's wedding bouquet. And as I looked at the color I realized it was the purple pink of some of her wedding flowers. I guess subconsciously I wanted to have that connection. to have the memory with me.
I miss her so much....
So my day started a bit off and I was some what emotional. I had a mandatory meeting during my lunch time with a psychologist doing a presentation on Customer Service.
I want to stop here to clarify. I am all about Customer Service. One of the reasons I love what I do is the fact that I know that at some point in my day I have made a difference and helped someone. I work with people that pray for every extra second of their lives due to cancer. And I know I am good at what I do. Not patting myself on the back or bragging on myself. I just know this is my calling. I love my job and it means so much to me to hear a patient tell me what a difference I have made for them. Whether it is the smile I offer as they walk in to see me, or the comfort I offer to them by being there and listening or making sure they are really OK. at least as much as circumstances allow. God has put me in my position and I pray every morning to listen to His promptings on helping people and what to say. There have been 4 times in the last few years, that I have reminded patients that something that shows up on a scan or lab test, does not always mean its cancer again. And I have known in my heart that their cancer is not back. And I know those promptings and words of comfort have come straight from God. And sure enough the next time they come in they are thanking me for the words of comfort and that their cancer was not back. And I know that is God working.
So back to my meeting. The guy presenting probably had good intentions. And he did have some good comments that could assist our department. But he was arrogant and condescending. the 3 other girls in the meeting with me are some of our nicest, least complaining coworkers. They too would go the extra mile for our patients and not give it thought. But the guy went off in a couple areas that I still don't know what point he was trying to get across. Even before he got to the part that bothered me, I didn't like him, and thought he was an arrogant name dropper, who really didn't know much about customer service at all. And certainly did not know how to present.
I started having a rough time when he put up a chart that listed not how many years you would have left in your "average life span" but how many weeks. I thought to myself, how inaccurate, we have no idea how many weeks any of us have left beyond the breath we are currently breathing...Most people wouldn't think much of that, but me, in my situation it began a trigger, that I really didn't need.
And then he started talking about leaving home life at home and work life at work. problems and irritations stay where they belong and are not interfering one way or the other. And then of course he started to bring his own life in as an example..... did he not see this??????
He mentioned that his wife had commented on the kids being noisy in the next room and perhaps he should go tell them to be quiet. So he said how they should enjoy their children and he said that he thought to himself about a recent client of his who had lost her three children in a car accident.....
it was more than I could stand. tears started rolling down my face. I sat until he finished, and got up immediately and left. It was all I could do not to have a complete breakdown right there in the meeting..... I took the elevator by myself down to the ground floor where I work, and realized I was crying so hard, I needed to be able to go some where. That I couldn't go back to my desk. So I went to our shipping area and sat in a chair by my friends desk. I knew it would be a 'safe' zone for me. I continued to cry and when she realized it was about Korry, she came over and hugged me, and just let me cry. I really needed that. But I couldn't believe how bad a breakdown I had. But it is that time of year. In three days it will mark four years since Korry was taken back to Heaven.
My mind has completely lost it since then. I am mixing up words worse than usual, I cant think straight. It is, I imagine, similar to someone having a stroke and trying to get the words out and knowing they aren't quite right. And I am just feeling broken, literally. and I guess that is because I am. I am not a whole functioning human being any more. I never will be.
Does it get easier???? no. I truly don't think it is ever going to get easier. I think perhaps it just becomes less raw, less in the front for a time. I feel her loss the same as the day she died. I just don't dwell on it. If I did it would be consuming, I would not be able to cope at all. So you have to keep other things on the front burner. Because having a roller coaster of a life is definitely better than having a constant tsunami that you are drowning in.
I realized today just how much I was missing Korry subconsciously, probably. I had gone to Costco a couple days ago, and was looking for a specific flower - stock. it smells wonderful, and I was just in the mood for it. I looked at Costco flowers and thru all the bouquets, and there was none, but I looked a second time and sure enough there was some, and it was purple-pink colored. I was so glad. I bought it and put it in a vase at my work so I could smell it. so sweet. But today I realized when I was having someone smell the flowers and how nice it was, I said that I had learned of Stock from the bouquet I did for Korry's wedding bouquet. And as I looked at the color I realized it was the purple pink of some of her wedding flowers. I guess subconsciously I wanted to have that connection. to have the memory with me.
I miss her so much....
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