Jazsper feeling his loss

It finally hit last night. I don’t know what happened to trigger it, but Jazsper had a total melt down. I had stepped outside to check the barbecue and when I went to open the door to go back in, Jazsper was opening it also, completely in tears. I honestly thought he was severely hurt. As I picked him up and asked what was wrong, all he could get out was “I miss my momma”. Talk about a heart break. He cried for a good 5-10 minutes. I just sat and held him in the rocker and rocked. He finally started to calm down, but he was so clingy. He didn’t want to sit in his chair for dinner, he wanted to be in my lap. He NEVER does that. He sat during dinner with his hand on me. Most unusual behavior.  He has not had a real meltdown ever, since Korry was killed.  He couldn’t pin point what started the tears. He had had a good day at school, and after school with papa. He just all of a sudden started to miss his momma.

I have no idea what happened to start this. I spoke with a children’s greif counselor at the local hospice agency, today. She seemed to think that it probably was just something that happened. Just like it does for me sometimes.  She suggested monitoring his feelings over the next few days, to see if anything in particular pops up. But she said I did exactly the right thing, and that he needs to know that he can release his feelings.

Wow,  just when I was starting to think that life was going to smooth out a bit. Kelsey has moved into her house, so her stress level has improved tremendously. In fact, Dominick is even doing better, no more night accidents, and his stuttering is improved. So life was starting to quiet down at our house, and then Jazsper popped up with this. I really hope that it is just a hit and miss tidal wave like I have, and not a long lasting grieving like I initially went thru. Paul of course didn’t get it. But at least he didn’t poo-poo it off. He understood that it was just a rough evening for him.  Hopefully, he will be understanding and not shut Jazsper’s questions out, like he does with his brother’s death.

I knew that this is a lifelong process for all of us, especially for Jazsper and I. It is just something that we will expect to always be with us. I explained to Jazsper last night, that he will always have a broken piece of his heart, and that we just have to keep trying to have happy memories…… later that evening as we were looking at Korry’s video of pictures, he said, “I have happy memories now.”  Bless his sweet little heart…