Who to Turn To
There has been so much the last few weeks. I met Jazsper's dad half way so Jazsper could see him and his baby brother (and other brother) for a long weekend over Labor Day. We all had a really good visit. Greg's wife is rather disturbing. She really was trying to sell herself and how wonderful she is, and what a great person/wife/mom she is.... Of course my red flag went up because it sounded like she was going to suggest they have Jazsper live with them. I was partially right. She was suggesting maybe next summer. Wow. She then went on to say how she could not think of letting her son Jaxon (same age as Jazsper) go and stay somewhere.... yet she would expect me to send Jazsper. I just left it with "its a long way off". But it really bothered me. I know that I have custody of Jazsper, and that Greg would have to go to court in Alabama to take him from me, and I really don't think he would do that, but it still puts a red flag in the back of my mind.
Then for some reason out of the blue the last 2 nights, Jazsper has had accidents, wetting the bed. Wetting the bed. He has NEVER done that. And now he talks about missing his dad. It really makes it difficult. Of course I know if he were to go to be with his dad, he would miss me. But then I wonder, well maybe he wouldn't miss me. Its so hard to walk that fine line as to what is best for the child and what is best for me. I think it is hard for him when he is around other kids who have their parents. Or at least think they do. (one friend is being raised by his aunt/uncle, but calls them mom and dad) . So, I don't know. I am not offering greg to take him by any means, but I don't like him being so sad, either. He had gone to a church activity tonite with his friend, and at the dinner table all of a sudden, he became sad... I dont know what happened. It was just an odd feeling. And I can't help but wonder if the moms and dads there had something to do with it. But he has no problem at school.... I just don't know.
Sally, the mom of the boy he went to church activity with tonight, stopped me when I was dropping him off and said that her son had mentioned something about Jazsper's mom being killed in a car accident. That Jazsper had told him. I explained yes, that was correct, and that in fact it happened at the end of her street. I told her about the cross and she knew exactly what I was talking about. In fact, she knew a lot about it. She knew that Korry had lived just down the street. She also knew that Jazsper had been small, because there was a car seat in the car. And the police thought that there might have been a child. ... It didn't hit me at first, but as I thought about it tonight, I couldn't help but wonder how she knew so much. She didn't know Korry's name or where she worked or anything about her, but she knew all about the accident.. I can't help but wonder why. Did she know the guy who hit and killed her??? Had he been at their house? There was never a determination of why he was in the area he was in when the wreck occurred. How do you ask someone that? It is very disturbing.
I soooo wish I had someone who I could turn to. To ask advice on all this. It is just too much for me to handle tonight. I really wish I could talk to my husband. But he just doesn't talk about things like that.
Then to top it off, Kelsey told me that when they were driving home from my house last night there was a falling star and she told Dominick to make a wish. He wished his dad would come back. And of course that made Kelsey feel awful and she wanted to cry. but didnt because she was driving. but the whole conversation was heart breaking. She went over again with him about how when someone dies, they don't come back. That they are gone forever. They are in Heaven. But of course that they are still in your heart, and you have the memories. And that they are always close by. But she wonders if this confuses him even more. That by telling him he can always talk to him and that he watches over him, that perhaps that makes him think he is close. She thinks that perhaps Dominick thinks that they left Andy in North Dakota, and that he may come home sometime. Or worse, that Dominick did something wrong and that is why his dad isn't coming home. Dominick tries to make Kelsey feel guilty by telling her that no one loves him, that he is always in trouble, etc. She made the comment that Dominick behaved better when Andy was around.. well yeah, Andy was mean to him and Dominick didn't have any choice. But how do I tell her that? She has blocked all the negative Andy, and just remembers the good parts. Sorry, but there really weren't many good parts. I think that she has made up a person in her mind, that is not at all what he was really like..
So much pain in our lives lately. Sometimes it seems like it all comes out at once. I miss Korry terribly, but I also have such a hard time watching the pain that Kelsey and my grandsons go thru. It is almost worse. Watching them hurt. and be in such pain. I know that sounds crazy, the hurt from Korry's death is unbearable. But watching the suffereing that goes on with these other 2 young boys, and my young widowed daughter is also unbearable. I can't take their pain away. And a momma is always supposed to protect her children from pain. But this pain I can't fix. I can't help.
And I have no one to talk to about it. I just want to curl up in a pair of arms that are comforting and cry and cry and cry. And tell someone all these feelings.
But I have no one. So that is why I type. I have to get these thoughts and feelings out. Maybe someone will find comfort or help reading this, I don't know. I just know I hurt ..... Like always...
Of course I know the answer. God is always there for me and his arms are always open to me. To comfort me to love me and to listen and understand. I just need to find a quiet place where I can talk with him in prayer. It's hard to have these conversations with God at home, because I need to cry and there is no where to go that I could be alone with God and cry....... but I will curl up on the couch and hope and pray that my God is with me and hears me and eases my pain as he always does.
Then for some reason out of the blue the last 2 nights, Jazsper has had accidents, wetting the bed. Wetting the bed. He has NEVER done that. And now he talks about missing his dad. It really makes it difficult. Of course I know if he were to go to be with his dad, he would miss me. But then I wonder, well maybe he wouldn't miss me. Its so hard to walk that fine line as to what is best for the child and what is best for me. I think it is hard for him when he is around other kids who have their parents. Or at least think they do. (one friend is being raised by his aunt/uncle, but calls them mom and dad) . So, I don't know. I am not offering greg to take him by any means, but I don't like him being so sad, either. He had gone to a church activity tonite with his friend, and at the dinner table all of a sudden, he became sad... I dont know what happened. It was just an odd feeling. And I can't help but wonder if the moms and dads there had something to do with it. But he has no problem at school.... I just don't know.
Sally, the mom of the boy he went to church activity with tonight, stopped me when I was dropping him off and said that her son had mentioned something about Jazsper's mom being killed in a car accident. That Jazsper had told him. I explained yes, that was correct, and that in fact it happened at the end of her street. I told her about the cross and she knew exactly what I was talking about. In fact, she knew a lot about it. She knew that Korry had lived just down the street. She also knew that Jazsper had been small, because there was a car seat in the car. And the police thought that there might have been a child. ... It didn't hit me at first, but as I thought about it tonight, I couldn't help but wonder how she knew so much. She didn't know Korry's name or where she worked or anything about her, but she knew all about the accident.. I can't help but wonder why. Did she know the guy who hit and killed her??? Had he been at their house? There was never a determination of why he was in the area he was in when the wreck occurred. How do you ask someone that? It is very disturbing.
I soooo wish I had someone who I could turn to. To ask advice on all this. It is just too much for me to handle tonight. I really wish I could talk to my husband. But he just doesn't talk about things like that.
Then to top it off, Kelsey told me that when they were driving home from my house last night there was a falling star and she told Dominick to make a wish. He wished his dad would come back. And of course that made Kelsey feel awful and she wanted to cry. but didnt because she was driving. but the whole conversation was heart breaking. She went over again with him about how when someone dies, they don't come back. That they are gone forever. They are in Heaven. But of course that they are still in your heart, and you have the memories. And that they are always close by. But she wonders if this confuses him even more. That by telling him he can always talk to him and that he watches over him, that perhaps that makes him think he is close. She thinks that perhaps Dominick thinks that they left Andy in North Dakota, and that he may come home sometime. Or worse, that Dominick did something wrong and that is why his dad isn't coming home. Dominick tries to make Kelsey feel guilty by telling her that no one loves him, that he is always in trouble, etc. She made the comment that Dominick behaved better when Andy was around.. well yeah, Andy was mean to him and Dominick didn't have any choice. But how do I tell her that? She has blocked all the negative Andy, and just remembers the good parts. Sorry, but there really weren't many good parts. I think that she has made up a person in her mind, that is not at all what he was really like..
So much pain in our lives lately. Sometimes it seems like it all comes out at once. I miss Korry terribly, but I also have such a hard time watching the pain that Kelsey and my grandsons go thru. It is almost worse. Watching them hurt. and be in such pain. I know that sounds crazy, the hurt from Korry's death is unbearable. But watching the suffereing that goes on with these other 2 young boys, and my young widowed daughter is also unbearable. I can't take their pain away. And a momma is always supposed to protect her children from pain. But this pain I can't fix. I can't help.
And I have no one to talk to about it. I just want to curl up in a pair of arms that are comforting and cry and cry and cry. And tell someone all these feelings.
But I have no one. So that is why I type. I have to get these thoughts and feelings out. Maybe someone will find comfort or help reading this, I don't know. I just know I hurt ..... Like always...
Of course I know the answer. God is always there for me and his arms are always open to me. To comfort me to love me and to listen and understand. I just need to find a quiet place where I can talk with him in prayer. It's hard to have these conversations with God at home, because I need to cry and there is no where to go that I could be alone with God and cry....... but I will curl up on the couch and hope and pray that my God is with me and hears me and eases my pain as he always does.
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