Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

I have had an overwhelming sadness now since the beginning of October. The passing of the one year mark has been excrutiating. It has been really hard to get through. And I have been so worn out emotionally that I have no physical strength left in me at the end of the day. Thanksgiving came and went. I didn't cook my traditional "all out" meal. I bought premade sides, and a turkey breast and that was that. It just wasn't worth the trouble this year. I have been kept busy preparing for my other daughter's wedding, that was December 6. She got into town on November 30th. It was wonderful seeing her and my other grandson Dominick after 9 months. My son Kyle and his girlfriend came in to town on December 4th for a few days and it was wonderful of course to see him. I had not seen hims since he came out when Korry was killed. We had a memory candle at Kelsey's wedding for Korry. And I had a corsage made for her, and laid beside it. Kelsey had a couple memory cha...

Well, 1 year has passed. I know it sounds odd to say, but I am so SAD. I dont have nearly the tears I did before, it just seems to sadden me, more, in a different sort of way. The floating lanterns were wonderful. It was such a sweet group of kids, well they really aren't kids. they are mostly in their 20's, I would guess. I took Jaz and they were all amazed at how much he had grown. He seemed to be doing fine and was drawing and smiling. But when we got home, I realized how much it bothered him. He pitched a fit from hell. I realized at that point that it was just too much for him. He had never been to the restaurant when Korry wasn't there. I realized how hard it was for me to look around at the cars and restaurant, for the same reason. I think I just pretty much blanked it all out, but Jaz wasn't able to do that... Last week was very draining. emotionally and physically. I know that is part of grief, but it doesn't make it any easier. I just feel like I want to ...

It is hard to believe it is 11 days from the one year mark of Korry's accident and death. It has been a rough couple weeks. At work I have had to schedule patients for 10.29.14..... The first time it came up and I realized what I was typing I cried. And Cried. I had to go outside for fresh air and take a walk around. It just wouldn't stop. I was not expecting it to hit me so suddenly and so hard. But I got past it. And after a while I was able to start back to my desk and continue working. I am blessed with a coworker who is very understanding, and helps to get me thru moments like that. Then it hit again when I had to schedule a scan for someone on 10.29.14. I couldnt speak the date, and I just completely lost it. Crying and not being able to stop. The girl on the other end of the phone just kept saying "I am so sorry, I can't understand you." Luckily my patients completely understand also. I made it thru ordering the scan and got myself back together.... The...

People have warned me that every year on the date she was killed it will be difficult, and bring back a flood of grief. They didn't warn me however, that it starts 6 weeks prior to that date.  It has been like a roller coaster ride the past week or so. I have been so close to tears so many times. And then frequently crying, remembering some of the wonderful things about Korry. It's been so hard.  And I have been irritable.  It seems like my patience level is gone worse than usual.  Life has changed so much in the past 10+ months. So many changes and things to learn to have to take care of and things to deal with. It has really worn me down. I really wish I had a day just to curl up and do nothing but cry. But, of course I can't because I have Jaz. And Jaz needs Gramma to be 100%.  But on top of that Paul wouldn't understand. He would be busy finding me something to do.  He doesn't like just sitting, and he has no place for crying. I wish somehow he could un...

I mentioned in my last post how much Kelsey's comment helped me. As I thought about it, I realized that Kelsey went through this exact thing back in January, February. She was so sad because Korry was not around to experience the positive happy times. The two girls always struggled so much. Kelsey was so upset one day, and I told her that Korry can see her, that Korry knows how happy she is and how positive things are going for her.... Kelsey and I both laughed about this yesterday. She had forgotten that I told her that. I spoke with a friend of a friend who has young children he is raising since their mother died. He also lost his dad at 9 and his mom at 15. It was so comforting to talk to someone who really understood. He also said that he feels his wife is nearby with their children and that she "watches and sees" all the good stuff. He also mentioned ways that he helps his children keep their mom in their hearts. This also really helped me and made me feel better. ...

Kelsey was sooo sweet yesterday. I explained to her the problem I am having with Korry missing out on Jazsper; and she said, "but mom, she isnt missing out, she is right there watching all the time. She can see how awesome he is doing".  That really helped. But, additionally, I prayed about it before I left work. That I needed something that told me Korry really was close by and enjoying her son from afar... As I drove home I looked over a field and the clouds parted just enough to let some beautiful rays of sun come shining thru. It was beautiful. But to me it was also Korry/God saying "hey its ok." I really beleive that was the sign I wanted. I felt such a peace and comfort in it.

As I mentioned I am having a rough go again... I went to a counselor today. He was very helpful and I think it will be a good thing as time goes on. He recommended I get a book How to go on Living When Someone You Love Dies... I will have to see if they have at the library. I will see him once a week for a while and see if we can get some resolution to my ongoing tears.  A friend made an interesting comment... when I said "all Korry ever wanted was for Jazsper to grow up in a happy 2 parent home" secure, safe, loving ,.... etc.. and my friend looks at me and said .."he has that" he has exactly what Korry wanted for him. I think this thought will help me as time goes by. The counselor and I discussed the major losses in my life.. marriage, mom, dad, Korry... He says I have had a lot in the last few years. So I guess some of this is to be expected. He calls the problem I am having now Secondary loss grieving..which is not just grieving for Korry, but the other grievin...

I wrote this about 4 months ago......I am now a little over 6 months out. I miss Korry so much, I really don't see how I will ever be able to go thru a day without missing her tremendously.  I talk to her a lot. And night before last as I was driving home, I just cried and asked her to please be near me somehow so I would know.  That night when I was getting Jazsper ready for his bath. He looked at me smiled that sweet smile that reminds me so much of Korry and said "Hiiiiiiii!" I hugged him so tight and told Korry thank you! Jazsper never says it like that, and Korry always did. Kelsey struggles and it is so hard for her. she called last weekend in tears Saturday morning. She had been stocking shampoo and came across the one Korry used for a while, and when she opened the box, one was broken and the smell caught her off guard. It reminded her so much of Korry. Then a couple songs played that they had listened to together. She misses Korry so much. Korry was a sister, mo...

I have found myself doing pretty well, considering, for the last few months.  But then my birthday came up. My dear sweet husband had his daughters over for a birthday party/anniversary party (yes, we were married on my birthday). It was a surprise, which probably was not the best idea, but it was well intentioned.   It only made it worse realizing that both Kelsey and Korry were not there.  But I think what really set me off, was Jazsper's ability to sing Happy Birthday to me. I am really struggling with all the things that Jazsper is able to do and that Korry is missing. Jazsper was Korry's world. That was all she wanted in life was to be his Mommy. And he is just learning and growing and he is so smart and there are so many little things that she is not here for.  He can sing Twinkle Twinkle little star, tell the story of The House That Jack Built, and his ABC's. And his baseball playing is just incredible for a 3 and a half year old. It just makes me so very...

I worry on this that I may talk about the same thing in different posts, because they are not done specifically chronologically. I just ramble some times.     I went to a grief support group this past weekend. It is a small group of people who have lost a child. It was helpful, I felt better after going, but I don't know if I will continue long term. I know I will go for the next few months, it meets once a month. But I think after that I will need to do something else. It was mentioned that the second year is harder than the first. I can't imagine feeling a larger hole in my heart than I have now. Maybe it is because the first year I am so numb and still in shock to a certain extent. Or maybe because the first year there is so much to do and take care of. My friend who lost a son 5 years ago, said she had more problems the second year, because she was not expecting milestones to bother her as much, and they sideswiped her. Holidays, special occasions. She said it was ha...

I prepared myself for Mother's Day this. I have never been fond of this "holiday" because I always went to church and heard about all these wonderful Mothers and of course compared them to my Mom. My mom was not a real nurturing type, so I never enjoyed Mother's Day. Then I always felt that I fell short of being one of those GREAT moms, so it just never set well with me. Even with preparing myself for the day, I didn't prepare myself for the week prior. I had a lady telling me what a wonderful present her daughter was giving her by graduating from nursing school, and what a long road it had been. I almost broke down crying on the spot. Korry was finally trying so hard to go to school to get a degree when the accident happened. Then of course I have people wishing me happy Mothers day as they see me this week. Most have no idea that Korry has become a beautiful angel, so it isn't their fault. But it breaks my heart. I think the hardest thing was when Jazsper...

Everyone told me that holidays would be so hard. But I find instead they are just "off" Thanksgiving came less than a month after Korry's accident. Instead of cooking the big meal with all the family, I simply cooked a few things. And then I only invited Kelsey, and my husband's brother. It was almost surreal.  The hardest part was the fact that Korry used to help so much. It was a challenge, but not as bad as I had anticipated.      Christmas was all about Jazsper so that was sort of "ok". But i got tired of the family being over, and wanted everyone to go home.      I find that happens a lot. I get tired of people. I don't want to have people over, nor do I want to go to any gatherings. At least not where I have to be social to other people and carry on conversations. I don't like trivial conversations at all.      New Year's Eve, Paul and I went to our usual New Year's party at the Officer's Club on post. It was hard...

This is one of my favorite pictures of Korry. It was taken Memorial Day 2013, out in our front pasture/yard area under the cypress trees. We put the little blow up pool out there for the boys to play. It was such a nice relaxing time. we did this most weekends I was home that summer. Korry and the boys were always at the house on the weekends. Kelsey would come by some too. it was always so fun, playing in the little pool and driving the golf cart around. It won't be quite the same with Korry no longer with us, and Kelsey and Dominick in North Dakota. Our normal is sure out of whack.

As I mentioned in my first post, the last thing Korry and I talked about on the phone and the last words I heard her say were regarding potty training the boys. I almost lost it completely yesterday when Kelsey called me at work telling me that Dominick had gone in the potty. All night I waited for the call with the bad news..., my anxiety was off the charts. I was so glad this morning when Kelsey text me and I knew she was still ok.... Funny how things will sneak up on you like that. It was like the night I heard the Volunteer Fire Dept take off about the same time Kelsey should have been getting home from work. Text her once, no answer. Text her twice, no answer. So of course I called her sobbing waiting for her to answer, and she did. She was late leaving work because she couldn't find her car keys.. Thank goodness she understands. Coming home from work a few a week ago there was a bad accident on the road, and the road was closed and I had to detour around. It was only about 3 ...

It was odd going back to work. No one ever told me when I needed to go back. Work never said "its time to come back". After the accident the first few days were reeling with the loss, then the next week was making plans for her Celebration, then the next week was taking care of business for Jazsper. At that point I felt I needed to go back to work to regain some sort of normalcy. NORMAL a word that will never hold the same meaning. Nothing will ever be normal again, my life as I knew it will never be the same again. But I needed to start to try to function, so I told work I would be back on Monday. That was November 18th. The first day back I was in a haze. I really had no idea what I was doing and everyone was either trying to stay away from me or hugging me and crying with me. Most places of business would see people crying and hugging as an unusual sight. I, however work at a cancer facility. People cry hear every day. Family and friends are consoled here every day. People...

Kelsey and Dominick have moved to North Dakota.  I am feeling loss all over again. Sadly, Kelsey realizes after all we have been thru with Korry, that life is not permanent for any one.  Kelsey took out a life insurance policy before she left.  Kelsey made a will before she left, stating that if anything happens to her Dominick would come and live with me. We also discussed death and  that awful word "services" again. Kelsey, too, would like to be cremated. when I asked her where she wanted her urn, she said right next to Korry. Wherever she goes I will go. It was a beautiful but extremely sad thought.  How many 20 year olds have ever given any thought to these things??? It breaks my heart that we even had to discuss this, but at least it is covered, so there will be no questions if the time comes. I pray it never does, but it is covered, now. What hard things for a young lady of 20 to even think about.

It's funny how your body will kick into "Auto pilot" mode. People have told me I was "strong" to be able to go thru what I have been thru. "Strong"? I am not sure that is the word to describe it. I think that your body just does what it has to do. Your mind knows what has to be dealt with and just takes care of only those things. I never thought of food. Friends and family brought food in. Weeks worth of food. This was good because it never occurred to me to cook and eat. My husband Paul was in charge of heating up whatever was brought, and putting it on the table. Thank God for him or Jazsper and I would have starved. But Paul kept the household running while I tried to take care of everything that needed to be done for Korry. Paul even went to the wrecking yard and went thru her burned out car to make sure there wasn't anything we may have wanted to keep. Things to keep. How can you not keep everything??? I stayed home from work for almost 3 wee...

My posts will probably be somewhat Jumpy. Covering time then and time now. The first few days I am sure I was in shock. I made my phone calls, informing my relatives and a few friends of what happened. (no one told me that you are expected to give a list to someone and they are supposed to call and tell people for you). people came by, people brought food. Lots and lots of food. I rehashed the accident over and over in my head and on the phone. It all seemed so surreal. Surely this is just a bad dream. Or surely she will come walking in. I think that was the oddest sensation. It was not necessarily denial, but it just seemed like she had gone some where for a while and would be back, and walk thru the door and say "Hiiiii". But no such luck. After a few days I had to start making decisions on "arrangements", "services" and such. We had just talked a few months ago about cremation, because my dad had died. And, yes, Korry wanted to be cremated. Then I was ...

Life has many twists and turns on its Journey and this particular road started October 29, 2013.          I received a text from my oldest daughter Korry: Both boys pee'd in the toilet!!!!!!! Can we call you?  the boys she was referring to were her own son Jazsper 2 1/2 and her nephew Dominick 2 years. Of course she called me and we gushed about potty training and how proud we were of the boys, and then she said " Oh shit, Dom just pooped. Gotta go, Love you mom by"..... Those were the last words I ever heard Korry say.         October 30th 3:30am my phone rang showing a call from my younger daughter Kelsey, whom Korry lived with. However, it wasn't Kelsey on the phone. It was state trooper Jacob Smith asking for me. I immediately panicked and asked if Kelsey was alright. yes he said, he was there with her and she was fine. Korry I thought Korry, is Korry ok?????? The details of the conversation are crystal clear, but th...