A Year is Approaching
People have warned me that every year on the date she was killed it will be difficult, and bring back a flood of grief. They didn't warn me however, that it starts 6 weeks prior to that date. It has been like a roller coaster ride the past week or so. I have been so close to tears so many times. And then frequently crying, remembering some of the wonderful things about Korry. It's been so hard. And I have been irritable. It seems like my patience level is gone worse than usual. Life has changed so much in the past 10+ months. So many changes and things to learn to have to take care of and things to deal with. It has really worn me down. I really wish I had a day just to curl up and do nothing but cry. But, of course I can't because I have Jaz. And Jaz needs Gramma to be 100%. But on top of that Paul wouldn't understand. He would be busy finding me something to do. He doesn't like just sitting, and he has no place for crying. I wish somehow he could understand that I need this.
I did go to a counselor a few times. He helped and told me about another book to read: How to go on Living When Someone You Love has Died. I have started it, but really don't have enough time. I am pretty tired by the time Jaz goes to bed.
I was thinking of one of the nicest things I ever heard Korry say about me the other night. When Kelsey was living with her in Arizona, and had Dominick, I flew out to stay and help a few weeks. When Korry had Jazsper, I did the same thing. And every morning Korry would come in to where I was sleeping and bring Jaz and we would all 3 curl up together. It was so wonderful watching my firstborn have her firstborn. Well she told Kelsey not to do that. And it really hurt my feelings, but then she added that it hurts so much when I left and she missed it so much, she didn't want Kelsey to have the same feelings, missing me when I went back home. It meant so much to me that she would say that.
I have a plaster mold of Korry's hand from when she was little. I think I am going to get it out one day soon and let Jaz try to put his hand in it!
I did go to a counselor a few times. He helped and told me about another book to read: How to go on Living When Someone You Love has Died. I have started it, but really don't have enough time. I am pretty tired by the time Jaz goes to bed.
I was thinking of one of the nicest things I ever heard Korry say about me the other night. When Kelsey was living with her in Arizona, and had Dominick, I flew out to stay and help a few weeks. When Korry had Jazsper, I did the same thing. And every morning Korry would come in to where I was sleeping and bring Jaz and we would all 3 curl up together. It was so wonderful watching my firstborn have her firstborn. Well she told Kelsey not to do that. And it really hurt my feelings, but then she added that it hurts so much when I left and she missed it so much, she didn't want Kelsey to have the same feelings, missing me when I went back home. It meant so much to me that she would say that.
I have a plaster mold of Korry's hand from when she was little. I think I am going to get it out one day soon and let Jaz try to put his hand in it!
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