Life Some How Keeps Going

I have had an overwhelming sadness now since the beginning of October. The passing of the one year mark has been excrutiating. It has been really hard to get through. And I have been so worn out emotionally that I have no physical strength left in me at the end of the day. Thanksgiving came and went. I didn't cook my traditional "all out" meal. I bought premade sides, and a turkey breast and that was that. It just wasn't worth the trouble this year. I have been kept busy preparing for my other daughter's wedding, that was December 6. She got into town on November 30th. It was wonderful seeing her and my other grandson Dominick after 9 months. My son Kyle and his girlfriend came in to town on December 4th for a few days and it was wonderful of course to see him. I had not seen hims since he came out when Korry was killed. We had a memory candle at Kelsey's wedding for Korry. And I had a corsage made for her, and laid beside it. Kelsey had a couple memory charms in the back of her bouquet, to keep Korry close. The wedding was nice and all went well. But after all the chaos and commotion and visitors had left, I still felt the overwhelming sadness. My doctor changed up my meds a little, just some tweaking to see if that will help. And here we are a couple days before Christmas and I am really missing Korry. She loved Christmas and all the excitement and decorations. She was so much like me in that respect. I went all out decorating this year with both the kids coming out. And with Jazsper, I also got another big blow up for the yard. I wish it could cheer me up. I wish that the peace I used to find in the lights on the tree, would come to me again. Jazsper is starting to ask simple, matter of fact questions. He understands the concept of a cemetery and asks if "this is where momma is" most times when we pass one and its just him and I. I tell him, "No, momma isn't buried there", and leave it at that. He seems fine with that answer for now. We discuss how momma is in Heaven with Jesus, and even though he can't really grasp it, I think it helps him. He has come to realize that people die in different ways. He asks me. I try to keep my answers as simple and vague as possible. He finally asked me how his momma died. It broke my heart, altho, for him it was just very matter of fact. I told him his momma died because of a car crash. A few days later, he asked if we were going to get in a car crash. I was afraid of this. I told him no we would not crash, and he seemed fine with that answer. He knows his momma is an angel, and when I was given a porcelain angel ornament for my tree, he opened it and was excited it was an angel, and he said he wanted to hang it next to his momma's picture ornament, because she is an angel. It was so sweet. Another day, we were driving and I was listening to Christmas music. He started talking so I turned it down. He got mildly upset and told me to turn it back on because it was a song about Jesus, and that HE is with his momma and he wanted to hear the song. He amazes me sometimes. I broke down in tears at lunch today. I was just overwhelmed with missing Korry today. This is a hard time I am trying to make it through.