11 Days to 1 year

It is hard to believe it is 11 days from the one year mark of Korry's accident and death. It has been a rough couple weeks. At work I have had to schedule patients for 10.29.14..... The first time it came up and I realized what I was typing I cried. And Cried. I had to go outside for fresh air and take a walk around. It just wouldn't stop. I was not expecting it to hit me so suddenly and so hard. But I got past it. And after a while I was able to start back to my desk and continue working. I am blessed with a coworker who is very understanding, and helps to get me thru moments like that. Then it hit again when I had to schedule a scan for someone on 10.29.14. I couldnt speak the date, and I just completely lost it. Crying and not being able to stop. The girl on the other end of the phone just kept saying "I am so sorry, I can't understand you." Luckily my patients completely understand also. I made it thru ordering the scan and got myself back together.... The one year mark falls on a Wednesday. I have taken the whole week off work. It is just too much for me to bear. I feel almost like I am right back at the beginning sometimes. The tears just start and flow and flow and don't want to stop. I let them flow. I know it is the healthy thing to do. I have had many rough days, but nothing can compare with the aches I am feeling again. People understand. I went to a counselor a bit. That helped. I try to go to a greif support group once a month. It is available twice a month, but I just can't seem to make both dates. I was doing pretty good, and the grief support group is helping me to get to the next "step"? I am not exactly sure what steps are involved but I know the group is helping me to continue to get thru this. Up until the last few weeks, I hadn't felt like I was regressing, but that I was starting to function pretty well. So the group gave me a safe place to talk about Korry some more. And start focusing on happy memories and not to focus on the loss of her existence in this physical world. I wish I could talk to my husband. He tries so hard to protect me from this grief. He doesn't understand that he can't "FIX IT". And that at times I am going to break down and cry. He thinks that by talking about how much I miss her, it is hurting me more. He doesn't understand grief. As I have mentioned before. But I really need a big hug these days and a place to just let loose and cry my little broken heart out again... If I cry in front of him, he thinks I am dwelling on it too much. That I should never talk about Korry or think about her, or look at pictures of her. He just totally does not understand. I tell Jazsper stories about how much she loved him and we look at pictures together. He is so young, I don't want him to ever forget his momma and how much she loved and adored him. The girls at the restaurant where Korry worked are launching floating lanterns in memory of Korry the night of 10.29.14. It means so much to me that people loved her so much. It always just confirms what a wonderful person she was. I asked them to please get a lantern for me also, and that I would be there to launch one. I think I will take Jaz even tho it will be late (10:30 pm). I want them all to see how big he has gotten and how wonderful he is. They all knew him, because Korry brought him (and Dominick) in the restaurant alot when she was training people or doing paperwork. I cant't believe how sweet these girls are. Korry had designed a tattoo on her shoulder of a flower vine. it was really simple, but beautiful. Jaymie, Korry's best friend here, got the tattoo on the top of her foot, so that Korry was always walking with her. Then another friend did the same thing. I am amazed and honored at the love they have for my daughter. I have often thought of getting the tattoo myself, but due to work and sandles, I can't get it on my foot for her to walk with me. But I am thinking of getting it on my shoulder over and around her angel wing that is tattooed there. and then going over my shoulder to my back. similar to how she had but more on my back, again due to work restrictions. I miss her so much. It is sooo very hard to go thru this. I think if it weren't for the planning of Kelsey's wedding and family visiting I would be lost. I just ache all over again.... But as I have always had to do, I will press on, so that Jaz remembers happy times with me and happy memories of his mom. I will glue the smile back on and hide the tears for the middle of the night when no one is around....