Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

This was my sixth Christmas without Korry.  They don’t get any less painful. I have been very emotional about Korry lately. Seems like she has come up in conversations more than usual. This was the least Christmassy Christmas I have had in a long time. I just wasn’t feeling the Christmas mood. I decorated the inside of the house. But I started putting the blow ups in the yard, got 3 up and 2 started to poop out, and I never put any more up after that.  I just didn’t feel like it was Christmas. I did all my shopping online. I finished early enough with most things. Went to a few Christmas activities with the kids, but just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t get any hustle bustle, in fact I didn’t even get too thrilled over all the houses with Christmas lights. Kelsey came over and spent Christmas Eve. Which has become the routine. And I have to say, she was very enjoyable. And has grown up a lot this past year.but even having the three grandkids Christmas morning didn’t help. Kyle wa...

A few weeks ago, I spent 48 hours in observation at the hospital. The doctor thinks I had a bout of A-Fib. It was interesting. In describing the pain. it was more of an ache in my heart, than chest pain. It reminded me of the pain I have when I think to long and hard of Korry. It is an ache that I feel. My heart just ACHES.  I can't help but wonder what caused the "episode". The week it happened I was probably the least stressed I have been in forever. My part time is finally falling into place. It starts officially next week. So I have just been training for the last few weeks, and life has been simple. There weren't any sports or activities after hours. The heart episode came at an odd time from what I would have thought could have caused it. This past monday, Oct 29, marked 5 years since Korry was killed. I blew up balloons and Kelsey and I put them on her cross. And we lit sky lanterns and sent them up to heaven for her to see. I know I have written so much of t...

People often comment on how strong I am. Dealing with the deaths I have experienced over the last few years. God gives me strength. I have no strength whatsoever. I am so close to tears most of the time. But I am not given the option to boo-hoo. I have to put on my happy face. If I stop and think about it, I start crying. I miss my dad, my daughter, and I hurt for For my other daughter becoming a widow at 22. The combination, I think is what has gotten me. I am so very tired. Mentally and physically. I don’t think I have completely gotten over the “breakdown” a few weeks ago. I am always on edge and on the verge of tears. But I am not allowed to let them out. I don’t have a safe place to turn to. It is getting harder instead of easier. Perhaps because other people forget what I have gone thru, and they expect a response like a normal person. I am not, nor will I ever be part of the normal population again. I so desperately need to be able to go part time at work. It has been approved...

My mind started playing a few tricks on me yesterday morning. I have had a couple long time patients die that I am close to, and a few that are getting close. I couldn't think straight yesterday. The whole day was just horrible. It took me twice as long to do everything I normally do. I was so worried that my brain had snapped. A few other things went on, I don't want to sound like I am whining. But it all added up to almost a real breakdown. I cried all the way home from work. And then this morning on the way to work I took a sip of coffee and spilled 2 spots onto my white shirt. I started bawling, just uncontrolled. I cried for Korry. I cried for my stressful life. I just cried. When I got to work I called and was able to get an appointment with my counselor first thing this morning. I walked in and just started crying and crying. It was horrible. We decided that perhaps I needed to start changing my hours to part time now, instead of waiting til next year. My plate is just ...

It seems to start at my birthday. Either good or bad. It is like I wake up the next day and I start to drag. Nothing seems to be on track; I am late, hurried, forgetful.  And it doesn't really get better. I feel the sadness overwhelmingly.  I struggle at work to just not start crying for no reason. Walking to my car I want to start crying. Seems like everything is a struggle. Baseball practice, going to the beach, getting ready for school. The worst part is I would really like to cut my hours. I just can't function at work, and it seems like everything is getting to me. I love work. it is never like this. But I am tired! Very tired. Life is such a chore right now. the fun of summer has gone. I really think it is as I start scheduling people out 2-3 months I come across appointments to be made on October 29. I really think that altho I don't consciously see it, it is there. I think that my mind just starts going into fog mode already. I will try to up my anti depressants and...

The other day, Jazsper must have been missing Korry more than usual.  He asked if I had any videos of Korry.  Then he asked if I had any saved voicemails. I explained that I didn’t have any videos because he was only 2 when she died and we really didn’t have time enough to take videos. We weren’t expecting her to be gone. And I didn’t have any saved voicemails for the same reason.  It made me so sad. But then the hardest part was that he asked if he could call me Momma. It broke my heart, he just wants a Momma so bad.  How do you answer that.  I told him that he already had a Momma, she was just up in heaven.  But I added that if he wanted to call me Momma he could.  It tore me up inside. I had so many mixed emotions over it. He called me Momma then, and a few times later that day, and has not mentioned it since.   As I started typing this post, I realized why he did this. Or at least why I think this conversation came up.  I wonder if he is...

I have not done any research or thorough study on this topic, but I have always heard that after the loss of a child it is not uncommon for couples to divorce. What I have seen is generally it is differences in grieving; length of grieving, keeping emotions withheld, support systems, etc. When Korry first died my husband was the "strong" one. He picked up the pieces of my life that I had dropped, took care of "life" and accepted Jazsper with no second thought. Then time went by. And more time went by. We continued to have other losses in our lives. And to make adjustments. Paul has continued thru all of this to be depressed. And will not seek out help. Now, our situation may be a little different. Korry was not his child, he had already retired, and I am still working. And his life turned topsy turvy, not so much due to the loss, but the changes that came after. We became "parents" to a 2 1/2 year old. And whatever he thought his retirement time would h...

If you have followed my blog, you know that every year I go on a religious fast for 10 days. It is time for me to put the Lord and God first,  and to show that I am willing to do at least some sort of sacrafice in the start of the year. Additionally, I started going to church regularly again. Jazsper has been attending church also, because he wants to learn about Heaven and Jesus and where his mom is.  I have to say this year my fast had a pretty miraculous effect on me. The lessons at church have not been anything to necessarily to help with the comfort I have been in dire need of again this year. But it has been fascinating what I have been learning.  And it has brought me so much closer to Christ. With that being said, the natural progression of being close to Christ is feeling his love more and more in my life.  It has been amazing. I have found peace. I have truly felt the comfort that can only come from Christ. And it has been incredible. Sure I still miss my...

So much has gone on the past few months . In town they had a tree trail for the Christmas holidays where people could sponsor a Christmas tree and decorate it for whom or what ever they preferred. I sponsored a tree for Korry in her memory . Heather and Jazsper help me to decorate it .  One of Korry's friends put an ornament on it.  it was so nice to see someone remember. When I went to take it down after New Year's the tree had a number of the red band bracelets that are worn in remembrance of Korry and made the tree extra special . Christmas my son Kyle came out to visit for a week with his girlfriend . We had such a wonderful visit , but I can't believe how much more I felt the pain and loss of Korry while he was here for the holidays . I spent Christmas night crying because I missed Korry so bad . It was a really rough day for me . New Year's Eve at midnight I toasted Korry's 30th birthday, hard to believe she would be 30 at this birthday.  On her birthday Janua...