The end of 2017

So much has gone on the past few months . In town they had a tree trail for the Christmas holidays where people could sponsor a Christmas tree and decorate it for whom or what ever they preferred. I sponsored a tree for Korry in her memory . Heather and Jazsper help me to decorate it .  One of Korry's friends put an ornament on it.  it was so nice to see someone remember. When I went to take it down after New Year's the tree had a number of the red band bracelets that are worn in remembrance of Korry and made the tree extra special . Christmas my son Kyle came out to visit for a week with his girlfriend . We had such a wonderful visit , but I can't believe how much more I felt the pain and loss of Korry while he was here for the holidays . I spent Christmas night crying because I missed Korry so bad . It was a really rough day for me . New Year's Eve at midnight I toasted Korry's 30th birthday, hard to believe she would be 30 at this birthday.  On her birthday January 1, I took 30 roses and put them at her cross and a few balloons . I always want to celebrate the day that she was born and God gave her to me , even if it was temporarily . Throughout all this , my nephew notified me that my sister's Alzheimer dementia had progressed rapidly and she was declining rapidly.  The last time I spoke with Sheri was a very negative conversation to her voicemail in 2005.  Looking back on her life I now understand that she has always been troubled mentally and that she would never purposefully try to harm anyone or anything . But at that time she caused a lot of problems for me and I couldn't get past it . My nephew was kind enough to call me when Sheri was coherent one night so that I could talk with her even though she couldn't respond back to me very well. When she heard my voice and my name she smiled and opened her eyes and my nephew said she reached for the phone . I told her I would try to come and see her in a couple weeks . Through the Christmas holiday I did not hear anything from my nephew and did not think I would be able to go see her . However, on January 2 after I had been through all the turmoil and the heart ache for the Christmas holidays and Korry's birthday my nephew called to tell me that Sheri was declining rapidly and if I was going to come see her I needed to come now.  So January 3 I jumped on a plane and flew to Philadelphia to see my sister Sheri. It was a heartbreaking sight I did not anticipate her looking so frail . She heard my voice and opened her eyes big and smiled so I know she remembered me . Sadly though she passed early in the morning of January 6 one month after her 62nd birthday. I was by her side when she passed and had spent the last three days by her side . I was really glad I got to go and see her .

 Her loss, however, has brought a huge flood of emotions I am sad of course for the loss of my sister . But additionally, I am sad that she lost her life so young and spent so much of her life in what we now know was a delusion. I think this particular passing has made my grief come out so strong for everybody over the last few years.  she makes number six in as many years .  I just feel mad irritable grumpy I want to just curl up and cry . Functioning seems extremely difficult . I pray and pray and I know God hears my prayers but his answer is different than what I would choose. I am finding it hard to find the comfort and solace that I need right now . Unfortunately my husband has offered no compassion or support . And I just seem mad and again I just want to cry . Tomorrow morning I go see my therapist and see if she can figure out what's going on with me. If it is an accumulation of grief that has finally caught up , or is it just that this one grief is different than the others I've experienced . I also worry a little bit because most of the deaths in the last few years have come in twos, I worry if someone else is going to pass in the next month or two.  it's been about every two years two people passed , the pattern makes me nervous .