Heart Problem
A few weeks ago, I spent 48 hours in observation at the hospital. The doctor thinks I had a bout of
A-Fib. It was interesting. In describing the pain. it was more of an ache in my heart, than chest pain. It reminded me of the pain I have when I think to long and hard of Korry. It is an ache that I feel. My heart just ACHES. I can't help but wonder what caused the "episode". The week it happened I was probably the least stressed I have been in forever. My part time is finally falling into place. It starts officially next week. So I have just been training for the last few weeks, and life has been simple. There weren't any sports or activities after hours. The heart episode came at an odd time from what I would have thought could have caused it.
This past monday, Oct 29, marked 5 years since Korry was killed. I blew up balloons and Kelsey and I put them on her cross. And we lit sky lanterns and sent them up to heaven for her to see. I know I have written so much of this before, but I get sad when I think that Korry was not here for so many of Jazsper's home runs, fly ball catches, basketball activities and Dominick's adventures as well. Not to mention she has totally missed 2 new nieces with a new neice/nephew on its way early next summer. I know she is always near to us, walking with us, hugging us, painting beautiful sunrises and sunsets; but I would just like to hug her in person, or hear her walk thru the door and say "hiiiiiiii". And I know Jazsper misses her so much. And he really doesn't have any memories of his own left for her. It is sad to me that he doesnt have the ability to remember what his momma was like. But he was only 2 1/2 yrs old when she died. They hadn't had time.
I went down to her cross on the 28th. To trim the grass and make it more visible. My husband asked if I wanted him to bring the weedeater down...... No was my response. As I have mentioned before, if I could just use it, I probably would, but it requires him going with me. I did not want that. My husband doesnt mind helping at all, but he grumbles while he puts the string stuff in the weedeater, it never works quite right, so he grumbles and cusses about that. It turns into such an ordeal (like everything is these days) it is just easier to use my little black and decker battery shears. I dont think that he realizes how hard it is going down to her cross to begin with, let alone with him grumbling and cussing the whole time about something. He makes a difficult situation so much worse. I wonder how my mental state would be if I had a husband who was kind and caring, like he used to be. Now he is just negative. If I could freely grieve and ask for a long hug, what would that change in my life. how would it make a difference. I wonder.
No sense wondering, tho, it will never change. With part-time, I lose all my benefits at work, which include my primary insurance. So now I wont be able to see my therapist any more, because it would be too expensive. I truly hope the part time will ease the pain of so much I am always trying to accomplish, and give me a chance to breathe once in a while.
A-Fib. It was interesting. In describing the pain. it was more of an ache in my heart, than chest pain. It reminded me of the pain I have when I think to long and hard of Korry. It is an ache that I feel. My heart just ACHES. I can't help but wonder what caused the "episode". The week it happened I was probably the least stressed I have been in forever. My part time is finally falling into place. It starts officially next week. So I have just been training for the last few weeks, and life has been simple. There weren't any sports or activities after hours. The heart episode came at an odd time from what I would have thought could have caused it.
This past monday, Oct 29, marked 5 years since Korry was killed. I blew up balloons and Kelsey and I put them on her cross. And we lit sky lanterns and sent them up to heaven for her to see. I know I have written so much of this before, but I get sad when I think that Korry was not here for so many of Jazsper's home runs, fly ball catches, basketball activities and Dominick's adventures as well. Not to mention she has totally missed 2 new nieces with a new neice/nephew on its way early next summer. I know she is always near to us, walking with us, hugging us, painting beautiful sunrises and sunsets; but I would just like to hug her in person, or hear her walk thru the door and say "hiiiiiiii". And I know Jazsper misses her so much. And he really doesn't have any memories of his own left for her. It is sad to me that he doesnt have the ability to remember what his momma was like. But he was only 2 1/2 yrs old when she died. They hadn't had time.
I went down to her cross on the 28th. To trim the grass and make it more visible. My husband asked if I wanted him to bring the weedeater down...... No was my response. As I have mentioned before, if I could just use it, I probably would, but it requires him going with me. I did not want that. My husband doesnt mind helping at all, but he grumbles while he puts the string stuff in the weedeater, it never works quite right, so he grumbles and cusses about that. It turns into such an ordeal (like everything is these days) it is just easier to use my little black and decker battery shears. I dont think that he realizes how hard it is going down to her cross to begin with, let alone with him grumbling and cussing the whole time about something. He makes a difficult situation so much worse. I wonder how my mental state would be if I had a husband who was kind and caring, like he used to be. Now he is just negative. If I could freely grieve and ask for a long hug, what would that change in my life. how would it make a difference. I wonder.
No sense wondering, tho, it will never change. With part-time, I lose all my benefits at work, which include my primary insurance. So now I wont be able to see my therapist any more, because it would be too expensive. I truly hope the part time will ease the pain of so much I am always trying to accomplish, and give me a chance to breathe once in a while.
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