Divorce among Couples who have lost a Child
I have not done any research or thorough study on this topic, but I have always heard that after the loss of a child it is not uncommon for couples to divorce.
What I have seen is generally it is differences in grieving; length of grieving, keeping emotions withheld, support systems, etc.
When Korry first died my husband was the "strong" one. He picked up the pieces of my life that I had dropped, took care of "life" and accepted Jazsper with no second thought. Then time went by. And more time went by. We continued to have other losses in our lives. And to make adjustments. Paul has continued thru all of this to be depressed. And will not seek out help.
Now, our situation may be a little different. Korry was not his child, he had already retired, and I am still working. And his life turned topsy turvy, not so much due to the loss, but the changes that came after. We became "parents" to a 2 1/2 year old. And whatever he thought his retirement time would hold-changed. DRASTICALLY... He became the caretaker of Jazsper while I went to work. He had never really been around children, because he was "in the field" so much during the military and when his kids were born. And we have VERY different ideas on raising children.
He doesn't really believe in grieving, he believes that you just forget about it, and block all feelings. And mention it as little as possible. I think somehow he thinks it makes you less tough to think about it or be bothered by it.
Problem with this way of thinking is it leads to you never dealing with grief and as more deaths occur, it compiles and you don't deal with it, and with him, it just makes him more and more depressed. I have suggested since he is retired military perhaps he should go talk to the chaplin on base. But he wont. I think he thinks it will make him "less of a man" to somehow acknowledge these feelings.
And this is where the problem comes in. And I wonder if this is how it happens with other couples.....
I have come to terms with all the losses in my life. I am not letting them drag me down into a hole and stay there. I am finding my love for Jesus/God to give me the comfort that I need to LIVE my life with these losses. I am finding the peace I have mentioned in previous posts, and I am ready for Paul and I to regroup and try to find the friendship we once had. Honestly, I don't see it happening. He is nowhere near this, and with our age, deaths are going to become more frequent, and we need to be able to address each one and learn what it takes to live with these losses. His life has become progressively more negative. I truly think he really doesn't know HOW to have fun anymore. His life has had to change so much that he is unwilling or unknowing on how to try to live again.
So where does that leave us? Sad to say, it leaves us with 3 choices:
But, sadly, I am starting to understand the divorce rate among grieving couples.
What I have seen is generally it is differences in grieving; length of grieving, keeping emotions withheld, support systems, etc.
When Korry first died my husband was the "strong" one. He picked up the pieces of my life that I had dropped, took care of "life" and accepted Jazsper with no second thought. Then time went by. And more time went by. We continued to have other losses in our lives. And to make adjustments. Paul has continued thru all of this to be depressed. And will not seek out help.
Now, our situation may be a little different. Korry was not his child, he had already retired, and I am still working. And his life turned topsy turvy, not so much due to the loss, but the changes that came after. We became "parents" to a 2 1/2 year old. And whatever he thought his retirement time would hold-changed. DRASTICALLY... He became the caretaker of Jazsper while I went to work. He had never really been around children, because he was "in the field" so much during the military and when his kids were born. And we have VERY different ideas on raising children.
He doesn't really believe in grieving, he believes that you just forget about it, and block all feelings. And mention it as little as possible. I think somehow he thinks it makes you less tough to think about it or be bothered by it.
Problem with this way of thinking is it leads to you never dealing with grief and as more deaths occur, it compiles and you don't deal with it, and with him, it just makes him more and more depressed. I have suggested since he is retired military perhaps he should go talk to the chaplin on base. But he wont. I think he thinks it will make him "less of a man" to somehow acknowledge these feelings.
And this is where the problem comes in. And I wonder if this is how it happens with other couples.....
I have come to terms with all the losses in my life. I am not letting them drag me down into a hole and stay there. I am finding my love for Jesus/God to give me the comfort that I need to LIVE my life with these losses. I am finding the peace I have mentioned in previous posts, and I am ready for Paul and I to regroup and try to find the friendship we once had. Honestly, I don't see it happening. He is nowhere near this, and with our age, deaths are going to become more frequent, and we need to be able to address each one and learn what it takes to live with these losses. His life has become progressively more negative. I truly think he really doesn't know HOW to have fun anymore. His life has had to change so much that he is unwilling or unknowing on how to try to live again.
So where does that leave us? Sad to say, it leaves us with 3 choices:
- Divorce which I really don't want
- Paul getting some help and talking to someone. This would be the ideal outcome, but i am not sure how to get this to happen
- We keep the status quo. I continue to Live my life and if he doesn't ever want to participate outside of going to baseball practice/games, I will go without him. And do the things that I think are fun and take Jazsper with me, so he does not miss out on his life...
But, sadly, I am starting to understand the divorce rate among grieving couples.
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