Strength or Lack Of
People often comment on how strong I am. Dealing with the deaths I have experienced over the last few years. God gives me strength. I have no strength whatsoever. I am so close to tears most of the time. But I am not given the option to boo-hoo. I have to put on my happy face. If I stop and think about it, I start crying. I miss my dad, my daughter, and I hurt for For my other daughter becoming a widow at 22.
The combination, I think is what has gotten me. I am so very tired. Mentally and physically. I don’t think I have completely gotten over the “breakdown” a few weeks ago. I am always on edge and on the verge of tears. But I am not allowed to let them out. I don’t have a safe place to turn to. It is getting harder instead of easier. Perhaps because other people forget what I have gone thru, and they expect a response like a normal person. I am not, nor will I ever be part of the normal population again.
I so desperately need to be able to go part time at work. It has been approved, but we have not been able to find some one who wants to work. The stress of my life has gotten to me. Being responsible for everyone’s happiness is too much for me to carry any more. I just want to be done for a while. Be able to cry and worry about ME instead.
I want to be selfish, to have a little time for myself. I want to have a day off to do nothing... but that is not in the cards and probably never will be. I wish some one could understand how close to the edge of falling off I still am. I miss my Korry so much.
The combination, I think is what has gotten me. I am so very tired. Mentally and physically. I don’t think I have completely gotten over the “breakdown” a few weeks ago. I am always on edge and on the verge of tears. But I am not allowed to let them out. I don’t have a safe place to turn to. It is getting harder instead of easier. Perhaps because other people forget what I have gone thru, and they expect a response like a normal person. I am not, nor will I ever be part of the normal population again.
I so desperately need to be able to go part time at work. It has been approved, but we have not been able to find some one who wants to work. The stress of my life has gotten to me. Being responsible for everyone’s happiness is too much for me to carry any more. I just want to be done for a while. Be able to cry and worry about ME instead.
I want to be selfish, to have a little time for myself. I want to have a day off to do nothing... but that is not in the cards and probably never will be. I wish some one could understand how close to the edge of falling off I still am. I miss my Korry so much.
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