Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

I was finally starting to pull it together when I got to work this morning. It is Halloween, so it is always a fun day looking at all the creative costumes of our 300+ employees... Today was an exceptionally creative year. And then I get a text from Jazsper's school. They have evacuated all the children to the school buses and they are parked away from the school at the baseball field out back.  Some idiot called in some sort of a threat. But my heart. I couldn't even breathe. Literally. I fell apart completely. I called Paul and he immediately went to the school to get Jazsper and make sure he was safe. I truly don't know what I would do if something happened to Jazsper. I was so so very scared. The sherrifs/troopers/police went thru the school and it was deemed safe to go back in, but I had Paul bring Jazsper home. I wanted him home. where he is safe. What kind of a person does such a thing? How scary is it thinking that it is not 100% safe for my little boy going to s...

Kelsey,the boys, and I took some balloons to Korry's cross this morning. 4 balloons, one for each year. We stayed a minute or two. Each in our own thoughts. Jazsper was uncharacteristically quiet.  No comment, no song. I wonder, does he realize the significance of what today is. I don't ever say why we are doing special balloons and stuff.  No sense going into details on this. Kelsey and kids spent the day with us again; working on Dominick's Halloween costume, and keeping me company. Paul continued to make stupid or sarcastic comments all day. At some point he had to have realized today's significance. But instead of helping, and maybe cutting me some slack, he just continued to irritate me. Almost like he was doing it on purpose. To make it clear that he did not think I should be extra sensitive today. I understand if he doesn't remember what today is. He doesn't remember anything. And Korry was not his daughter, so I don't expect him to know the date. I ...

Seriously???? My husband just said to me, you seem kinda off today, everything ok........ Seriously??? He never ceases to amaze me with his lack of empathy and compassion. Yes something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong. My daughter was killed 4 years ago today. And I am allowing myself a day of selfish wallowing, self pity and grief!!!!

Not sure where to start. Yesterday morning I didn't get to say good by to Jazsper at school. I didn't get a chance to say I love you. To most people that seems like no big deal. But to someone who knows how precious every second of life is, and that we are never guaranteed to see someone in this life again, that is a big deal. So my day started a bit off and I was some what emotional.  I had a mandatory meeting during my lunch time with a psychologist doing a presentation on Customer Service. I want to stop here to clarify. I am all about Customer Service. One of the reasons I love what I do is the fact that I know that at some point in my day I have made a difference and helped someone. I work with people that pray for every extra second of their lives due to cancer.  And I know I am good at what I do. Not patting myself on the back or bragging on myself. I just know this is my calling. I love my job and it means so much to me to hear a patient tell me what a difference I h...

I have been so irritable. At so many things. I am trying so hard not to be, but it doesn't seem to help! So I looked at last year this time; sure enough I talk about how irritable I am over little things.  Maybe this is just something that will happen each year. It only seems to be the week or so before. Well at least that is when it is worse! I am always irritable, but that has been lifelong. :) I have noticed more of a speech problem the last few weeks/month. I am frequently saying the wrong word. I catch it immediately, and most of the time I can correct it. Once in a while however, I can't think of the word. Drives me nuts some times.  Again, I never know if it is Alzheimer's creeping in, grief, or just dense brain! Not sure people really understand how much grief affects the brain.  It is not something that I think will ever go away. It is always a longing to see the other person, and knowing that you can't. It really messes with you. Hard to believe it has been ...

It's that time of year. It will be 4 years since God took Korry up to Heaven in a couple weeks. I am so teary over so much. My meds only work up to a point. (which I am happy about .... I don't want to be numb).  Seems like every time I get alone I start to cry. Whether it is in the car or alone at night after Jazsper has gone to bed. Sometimes it is so overwhelming when I think of the loss of my wonderful Korry. But as I mentioned the other day, angels/wings have been so noticeable.  Driving home I often start talking to Korry and look to the sky and I will see rays of sun coming out of whatever clouds are up in the sky, and I know its her sending her love.  But something odd happened yesterday. I was driving home, crying of course, and started telling Korry how much I love and miss her. Well when I look up to the sky there were very few clouds, Certainly none thick enough to block the sun. But one cluster of wispy clouds stood out from all the rest.  I know I have ...

Driving home 2 nights ago, I looked in the sky and I swear all the clouds looked like angels and angel wings. It was so welcoming. I miss Korry and watch the sky constantly for signs that she is nearby and watching. I know she is, but it's always nice to have a reassurance. And it was crazy. All around I was surrounded by angel wings. What a warm embrace I was given.

So it is only October 2. But yet, I am already teary, and my heart physically aches. I actually took a xanax because I just couldn't breathe. I don't know how my subconscious keeps track of the months but somehow it does. I hurt so bad already. and I still have 27 days until the day that marks when Korry got her wings. It will be 4 years this year. And sitting here typing I am already starting to tear up again. Normally I am fine, I can discuss Korry with not too much problem. And smile when I think of her. But not today.  In some ways I am glad for days like today, when I just want to sit and cry. It helps remind me that I have lost a precious daughter, and my life has changed and will never be the same. I pray for God's comfort and warm hugs to help me get thru this, and as always He will be there, for He is always there, it is me that wanders. He is truly my rock in the storm that is my life.