Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

I mentioned in my last post how much Kelsey's comment helped me. As I thought about it, I realized that Kelsey went through this exact thing back in January, February. She was so sad because Korry was not around to experience the positive happy times. The two girls always struggled so much. Kelsey was so upset one day, and I told her that Korry can see her, that Korry knows how happy she is and how positive things are going for her.... Kelsey and I both laughed about this yesterday. She had forgotten that I told her that. I spoke with a friend of a friend who has young children he is raising since their mother died. He also lost his dad at 9 and his mom at 15. It was so comforting to talk to someone who really understood. He also said that he feels his wife is nearby with their children and that she "watches and sees" all the good stuff. He also mentioned ways that he helps his children keep their mom in their hearts. This also really helped me and made me feel better. ...

Kelsey was sooo sweet yesterday. I explained to her the problem I am having with Korry missing out on Jazsper; and she said, "but mom, she isnt missing out, she is right there watching all the time. She can see how awesome he is doing".  That really helped. But, additionally, I prayed about it before I left work. That I needed something that told me Korry really was close by and enjoying her son from afar... As I drove home I looked over a field and the clouds parted just enough to let some beautiful rays of sun come shining thru. It was beautiful. But to me it was also Korry/God saying "hey its ok." I really beleive that was the sign I wanted. I felt such a peace and comfort in it.

As I mentioned I am having a rough go again... I went to a counselor today. He was very helpful and I think it will be a good thing as time goes on. He recommended I get a book How to go on Living When Someone You Love Dies... I will have to see if they have at the library. I will see him once a week for a while and see if we can get some resolution to my ongoing tears.  A friend made an interesting comment... when I said "all Korry ever wanted was for Jazsper to grow up in a happy 2 parent home" secure, safe, loving ,.... etc.. and my friend looks at me and said .."he has that" he has exactly what Korry wanted for him. I think this thought will help me as time goes by. The counselor and I discussed the major losses in my life.. marriage, mom, dad, Korry... He says I have had a lot in the last few years. So I guess some of this is to be expected. He calls the problem I am having now Secondary loss grieving..which is not just grieving for Korry, but the other grievin...

I wrote this about 4 months ago......I am now a little over 6 months out. I miss Korry so much, I really don't see how I will ever be able to go thru a day without missing her tremendously.  I talk to her a lot. And night before last as I was driving home, I just cried and asked her to please be near me somehow so I would know.  That night when I was getting Jazsper ready for his bath. He looked at me smiled that sweet smile that reminds me so much of Korry and said "Hiiiiiiii!" I hugged him so tight and told Korry thank you! Jazsper never says it like that, and Korry always did. Kelsey struggles and it is so hard for her. she called last weekend in tears Saturday morning. She had been stocking shampoo and came across the one Korry used for a while, and when she opened the box, one was broken and the smell caught her off guard. It reminded her so much of Korry. Then a couple songs played that they had listened to together. She misses Korry so much. Korry was a sister, mo...

I have found myself doing pretty well, considering, for the last few months.  But then my birthday came up. My dear sweet husband had his daughters over for a birthday party/anniversary party (yes, we were married on my birthday). It was a surprise, which probably was not the best idea, but it was well intentioned.   It only made it worse realizing that both Kelsey and Korry were not there.  But I think what really set me off, was Jazsper's ability to sing Happy Birthday to me. I am really struggling with all the things that Jazsper is able to do and that Korry is missing. Jazsper was Korry's world. That was all she wanted in life was to be his Mommy. And he is just learning and growing and he is so smart and there are so many little things that she is not here for.  He can sing Twinkle Twinkle little star, tell the story of The House That Jack Built, and his ABC's. And his baseball playing is just incredible for a 3 and a half year old. It just makes me so very...