Another Year

 Here we are again. I find a real need to write today.  For some reason this morning I was missing Korry more than usual, and then a song came on, and the flood gates opened.  Out came the tears.  I still don't think its bad that I cry for her still. I always will, it will never end. And as I have said, that is OK.  My brain has struggled this week and I finally realized, well, it is that time of year.  Its always a struggle this time of year. My brain somehow knows it.

A lot has happened this year. The COVID-19 pandemic and the lifestyle changes that has brought about. My husband over reacted to all of this and it put a bit of a strain on Jazsper. It made him so worried that my husband was going to get sick and die. My husband was such a drama queen about the whole thing. Saying in front of Jazsper: "This shit is going to KILL ME!!!!" That really bothered Jazsper, needless to say. It was a terrible thing to say in front of him.

 My husband and I have divorced. I worried about this for Jazsper, losing another person in his life, but he seems to be thriving more than ever. The new house has been exciting and the location is nice on a dead end street, so he can play a lot more. and there may actually be kids not too far away! He gets to ride the bus, and that makes him very happy.  Jazsper still gets to see him at Jazsper's baseball games, and I imagine he will come to the basketball games as well. But since Paul refuses to go anywhere outside the home, it puts a limit on Jazsper seeing him. I will not let Jazsper alone with him. Thru all this mess, Paul has become obsessed with the fact that he doesn't have custody/visitation rights for Jazsper and I am truly afraid he will take him and not give him back. I am not putting Jazsper thru that.

Jazsper is getting older (he is 9 1/2 now) and realizing more that he misses Korry. That he is sad about it. We have talks about it a lot more than we used to. We wear the memory bracelet/bands that were made when she died as a fund raiser. Jazsper commented that when he gets bigger we need to have the saying on them made into a tattoo. that we could both have. I love the idea, but hate that I have to wait another 7 years til he is old enough. i think a 16 year old can get a tattoo with parental approval. The bands say :"In Memory of Korry Young Smile because She LIVED" I love that saying. In the movie Second Hand Lion they use that saying at the end to state that the 2 uncles had a good life and did a lot, had adventures and encounters of all sorts and loved life. I had thought before that kinda fit Korry, but as time goes by, it is more important to me that she "existed", I had 25+ years of life with her... she lived... she was here, she was my earthly daughter..

Jazsper has finally confided in me that when I leave him to spend the night at kelsey's, and I leave at night, when its dark,  (he is staying for fun, I am not going anywhere but home). He worries (BIG TIME) that I may not make it home safely. Worries so much to the point that one night he didn't stay at her house, but came home with me. So sad, but what a normal reaction for him. I am glad he felt he could talk to me He has been confiding in a lot of things lately.. That he was scared of his old bedroom. some of the things he has done wrong over the last few years! haha. I like to think he is understanding more of what is right and wrong, but he is also just talking about all sorts of things! We are doing a lot more these days too. I think Korry would be very happy that I am spending the time with him. She loved him so much. He has been asking also about why his dad doesn't want him to live with him. poor boy, in his mind his dad doesn't want him and his momma has is gone. I think he just feels sorta out of place. We have had lots of talks about how much his dad loves him, and that its just not the best environment for him. I don't think he necessarily wants to leave me, he just wants his dad too... but I certainly am not going to live in Kansas!!!! We went for a vacation there this year to see his dad. I don't know about the rest of the state, but Wichita is not my favorite place.

I feel better. I guess I really just needed to let some of this out. So much for one year to have going on, along with living with Korry being gone. I think that is so hard because there are so many things these days that I wish she could be here to do with me. I have so much more going on and activities with Jazsper abound. I wish so much she could be here having fun with us. But I know she is watching from above and smiling. Her baby boy is such an awesome guy. He is nice, sweet, kind, and all boy.