Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

One of the ladies I work with commented on how sad I looked as I walked to my car, the other day. Interesting, how that is one of the hardest times of the day.  I don't know if it is because I have finished work and the facade can finally come off, or if I look that sad all the time. It really surprised me. I know I frequently look to the sky on the way out to the car, and say Hi. I don't know what I think this accomplishes, but I can't help myself.  I am still struggling with my emotions these past weeks.  I don't know what I think I should be doing, but sometimes I feel like this is harder than how I feel at other times. Jazsper is starting to connect "sad" with his mom, and actually with his dad too. The sandlot 3 has the little boys mom die of cancer and he is sad. So I guess it is helping Jazsper to find a word for his feelings..  It sorta irritates my husband that Jazsper started this after watching the movie, but I know he has felt it before and just d...

Sometimes the hardest struggle is functioning. I find myself being very blue, yet still having to function at work and home. It makes me crabby. I don't want to talk to or deal with other people. Especially stupid ones, or demanding ones. I end up with no patience what so ever. And I become short with people. I wish I knew what triggers these moods..... It is really never anything, it just sorta starts when I get off work in the evening and I look at the sky and start talking to Korry about how much I miss her. It just kinda continues from there. Things that don't normally bother me, really cause a struggle at these times. Korry and I were close to the same size in clothes. She wore some of mine, and since she is no longer here, I have taken the clothes of hers that I liked or bought for her, that will fit me. Today I put on one of my own shirts that I haven't worn in forever because it was too small. It occurred to me that the last time I saw this shirt was on Korry. She...

I have learned to brace myself to the emotions that hit when people say things unknowingly or unthinkingly about  death or their children. For the most part I do pretty good. But this morning as I was getting ready for work and put on a black tank dress (with red embroidery on the front) my husband looked at me and said "the lady in black, are you in mourning or something?"  I could not believe him. It was all I could do to keep from saying "yes, I am in mourning and will be for a long time".  It was just so out of the blue and unkind from my standpoint. I am sure, knowing my husband, he did not realize the implications of what he said. But wow it hurt. I don't share my feelings with him about Korry any more, because he would be worried about me, even tho he knows it is a long process, from his own experiences.  He quietly understands sometimes. Like the first time Jazsper stood at Korry's cross and sang songs to her, and then said by mom, love you. I totall...

I talked with a lady yesterday, about my age, who had lost a son to suicide about a year ago. She is obviously heart broken. As I can understand. But it made me stop and think about guilt.  I don't have any guilt with Korry's accident and death. It was totally out of my control.  But I imagine if I had a child who committed suicide, I would feel so very guilty that I didn't do enough, somewhere along the line.  And I don't know how it would be to live with that.   This being said, this woman I was speaking with said her son (30 yrs old) was a good boy, no drugs, or problems like that. He was financially stable and had a good job.  For whatever reasons his girlfriend of over 8 years broke up with him and he was devastated.  Apparently this woman had been staying with him (out of state) and came back home and was unable to return soon because she became sick with the flu. This was the time the son decided to commit suicide. This is awful enough, but he s...