Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

I find it interesting that Paul is totally unaware, as I mentioned before.  Today we happened to talk about Thanksgiving, and I  made the comment that holidays are really hard for me. And he questioned my comment almost sarcastically. I looked at him and said "yeah, they are hard, I have a chunk out of my heart, I may look like I am doing ok, but I am not even close to OK". He just changed the subject over to talking to Jazsper.  I don't get it. Does he really think that this doesn't affect me? It is like so many comments I read... People think that you are doing fine, that you have moved on, that all is ok, because time has gone by and you are not crying constantly......  I am finally seeing the pain that I read about. The pain from people acting like nothing happened. I really think that in Paul's mind this is just a ploy of some sort.  That I am USING this for pity or something.  I can't describe how much that hurts. That my own husband even thinks that ...

It is interesting to me that the holidays are harder this year than they were last year. Especially Thanksgiving. Once again, I don't want to cook and have people over. Which is fine with me and not a problem, but my husband just doesn't get it.  It is like he thinks everything is back to normal now, and that I am handling everything fine.  It is so insensitive, and it really surprises me. I don't discuss a lot in front of him, because it bothers him that he can't fix it, and I think he really doesn't want to see my emotional side of this. Which is crazy.  It is all part of this. I notice my irritability level is up again, it started the beginning of october and has just gotten worse and worse. I think a lot of it is the stress over Thanksgiving. Without asking, Paul has invited his daughter over. The one I like the least and the one who refuses to use serving utensils.. ok, so this is a big pet peeve of mine. not the person I want to have over for thanksgiving. And...

Looking up at the clouds while I was sitting on the glider with Jazsper asleep, the first shape I saw was of a heart.  Just as clear as could be.  Then another.. Then a shape of a traditional angel flying, but the arm was outreached and bent into a wave, it was on the 29th. I couldn't help but think she was sending me so much love and saying, "I am watching over you and I am here, it's OK".. It was the best feeling.