Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

This is one of my favorite pictures of Korry. It was taken Memorial Day 2013, out in our front pasture/yard area under the cypress trees. We put the little blow up pool out there for the boys to play. It was such a nice relaxing time. we did this most weekends I was home that summer. Korry and the boys were always at the house on the weekends. Kelsey would come by some too. it was always so fun, playing in the little pool and driving the golf cart around. It won't be quite the same with Korry no longer with us, and Kelsey and Dominick in North Dakota. Our normal is sure out of whack.

As I mentioned in my first post, the last thing Korry and I talked about on the phone and the last words I heard her say were regarding potty training the boys. I almost lost it completely yesterday when Kelsey called me at work telling me that Dominick had gone in the potty. All night I waited for the call with the bad news..., my anxiety was off the charts. I was so glad this morning when Kelsey text me and I knew she was still ok.... Funny how things will sneak up on you like that. It was like the night I heard the Volunteer Fire Dept take off about the same time Kelsey should have been getting home from work. Text her once, no answer. Text her twice, no answer. So of course I called her sobbing waiting for her to answer, and she did. She was late leaving work because she couldn't find her car keys.. Thank goodness she understands. Coming home from work a few a week ago there was a bad accident on the road, and the road was closed and I had to detour around. It was only about 3 ...

It was odd going back to work. No one ever told me when I needed to go back. Work never said "its time to come back". After the accident the first few days were reeling with the loss, then the next week was making plans for her Celebration, then the next week was taking care of business for Jazsper. At that point I felt I needed to go back to work to regain some sort of normalcy. NORMAL a word that will never hold the same meaning. Nothing will ever be normal again, my life as I knew it will never be the same again. But I needed to start to try to function, so I told work I would be back on Monday. That was November 18th. The first day back I was in a haze. I really had no idea what I was doing and everyone was either trying to stay away from me or hugging me and crying with me. Most places of business would see people crying and hugging as an unusual sight. I, however work at a cancer facility. People cry hear every day. Family and friends are consoled here every day. People...

Kelsey and Dominick have moved to North Dakota.  I am feeling loss all over again. Sadly, Kelsey realizes after all we have been thru with Korry, that life is not permanent for any one.  Kelsey took out a life insurance policy before she left.  Kelsey made a will before she left, stating that if anything happens to her Dominick would come and live with me. We also discussed death and  that awful word "services" again. Kelsey, too, would like to be cremated. when I asked her where she wanted her urn, she said right next to Korry. Wherever she goes I will go. It was a beautiful but extremely sad thought.  How many 20 year olds have ever given any thought to these things??? It breaks my heart that we even had to discuss this, but at least it is covered, so there will be no questions if the time comes. I pray it never does, but it is covered, now. What hard things for a young lady of 20 to even think about.

It's funny how your body will kick into "Auto pilot" mode. People have told me I was "strong" to be able to go thru what I have been thru. "Strong"? I am not sure that is the word to describe it. I think that your body just does what it has to do. Your mind knows what has to be dealt with and just takes care of only those things. I never thought of food. Friends and family brought food in. Weeks worth of food. This was good because it never occurred to me to cook and eat. My husband Paul was in charge of heating up whatever was brought, and putting it on the table. Thank God for him or Jazsper and I would have starved. But Paul kept the household running while I tried to take care of everything that needed to be done for Korry. Paul even went to the wrecking yard and went thru her burned out car to make sure there wasn't anything we may have wanted to keep. Things to keep. How can you not keep everything??? I stayed home from work for almost 3 wee...

My posts will probably be somewhat Jumpy. Covering time then and time now. The first few days I am sure I was in shock. I made my phone calls, informing my relatives and a few friends of what happened. (no one told me that you are expected to give a list to someone and they are supposed to call and tell people for you). people came by, people brought food. Lots and lots of food. I rehashed the accident over and over in my head and on the phone. It all seemed so surreal. Surely this is just a bad dream. Or surely she will come walking in. I think that was the oddest sensation. It was not necessarily denial, but it just seemed like she had gone some where for a while and would be back, and walk thru the door and say "Hiiiii". But no such luck. After a few days I had to start making decisions on "arrangements", "services" and such. We had just talked a few months ago about cremation, because my dad had died. And, yes, Korry wanted to be cremated. Then I was ...