Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

I find it interesting that Paul is totally unaware, as I mentioned before.  Today we happened to talk about Thanksgiving, and I  made the comment that holidays are really hard for me. And he questioned my comment almost sarcastically. I looked at him and said "yeah, they are hard, I have a chunk out of my heart, I may look like I am doing ok, but I am not even close to OK". He just changed the subject over to talking to Jazsper.  I don't get it. Does he really think that this doesn't affect me? It is like so many comments I read... People think that you are doing fine, that you have moved on, that all is ok, because time has gone by and you are not crying constantly......  I am finally seeing the pain that I read about. The pain from people acting like nothing happened. I really think that in Paul's mind this is just a ploy of some sort.  That I am USING this for pity or something.  I can't describe how much that hurts. That my own husband even thinks that ...

It is interesting to me that the holidays are harder this year than they were last year. Especially Thanksgiving. Once again, I don't want to cook and have people over. Which is fine with me and not a problem, but my husband just doesn't get it.  It is like he thinks everything is back to normal now, and that I am handling everything fine.  It is so insensitive, and it really surprises me. I don't discuss a lot in front of him, because it bothers him that he can't fix it, and I think he really doesn't want to see my emotional side of this. Which is crazy.  It is all part of this. I notice my irritability level is up again, it started the beginning of october and has just gotten worse and worse. I think a lot of it is the stress over Thanksgiving. Without asking, Paul has invited his daughter over. The one I like the least and the one who refuses to use serving utensils.. ok, so this is a big pet peeve of mine. not the person I want to have over for thanksgiving. And...

Looking up at the clouds while I was sitting on the glider with Jazsper asleep, the first shape I saw was of a heart.  Just as clear as could be.  Then another.. Then a shape of a traditional angel flying, but the arm was outreached and bent into a wave, it was on the 29th. I couldn't help but think she was sending me so much love and saying, "I am watching over you and I am here, it's OK".. It was the best feeling.

Today is 2 years from that dreadful night that took Korry's life.  I was thinking this morning of how her "loss" is public, but my "ache" is so private. No one besides my therapist knows the ache in my heart these days. Yes, normally I am doing fine, and live life again, but there are days when I am a total façade.  The prayer that Becky said over me a few weeks back, has made a huge difference in my life. I am able to change the tears of tragedy into tears of joy and peace from happy memories of Korry's life. Today is not one of the good days, in fact it has not been a good couple of days.  last year I took the whole week off. this year I just took yesterday, today, and tomorrow off. Mistake!!!  I should have taken the whole week, not just the last 3 days of it.  Tuesday I struggled so much trying to keep it together and not start crying. so many times I was biting my lip trying to make the emotional wave stay below the surface. It was tough. especia...

I think I have reached a turning point. I feel much better. I know that as the 2 year mark comes up next month, I have a tendency to be more irritable.  At least I hope that is why I am irritable! As Jazsper reaches milestones, now, or does something cool, I don't always think "I wish Korry was here for this".  My thoughts are that she is watching him from above, and she sees these wonderful things. Sometimes I will comment when I am alone looking up at the sky "Did you see that?" and comment on how wonderful Jazsper is.  This morning was Childhood Cancer Awareness Super Heroes day at preschool this morning.  As we spent time this weekend with Spiderman costume, it didn't even cross my mind about wishing Korry could see this.  It isn't that I forget about her, because I would never want to do that, it is more that I don't feel sad at her missing things, and I have come to accept that she be here for these things.  Jazsper and I talk about her alot wh...

I haven't written much lately, because for the most part I am feeling fairly good, all things considered.  Jazsper seems to be doing good.  He needed to speak with his dad, and they now talk every couple weeks or so.  I feel Jazsper needs it since he started asking a few questions about his dad.  We went to the beach, I bought an extravagant purse I have wanted for years, and I started feeling good. Funny, when I mentioned it to a couple friends they looked at me and said "its OK to feel good"..It really helped and I was surprised that maybe perhaps I did feel like I shouldn't be feeling OK ever.... I guess I needed permission, sort of..... It made a big difference in me. They had no idea what it meant to me.  Last week however, I was having a rough morning, and stopped by a coworker area, and was talking with a couple people I don't see very often, but that I am close to.  When they asked how I was, it hit me again and I started crying. I got hugs of cours...

In my internet "favorite" bar I have one of the websites from Korry's crash saved. I don't pull it up very often, in fact rarely, but it is just the last information on her.  I was going to show it to a coworker, but I thought... hmm I bet she would think that is weird.  It comforts me having it somehow.