Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

In my internet "favorite" bar I have one of the websites from Korry's crash saved. I don't pull it up very often, in fact rarely, but it is just the last information on her.  I was going to show it to a coworker, but I thought... hmm I bet she would think that is weird.  It comforts me having it somehow.

Interestingly, as I feel like I am learning to adapt to life without Korry, other obstacles affect me more deeply. I cling to my family members, and get broken hearted when something goes astray.  Kelsey is coming for a visit in December. I was going to watch my other adorable grandson while she was here. Let him stay with me, and let her do what she needed to do. Her twit of a husband has decided he needs to spend more time with them and his family. It breaks my heart. I wish Kelsey would stand up for me and Jazsper for that matter. I cried when she told me. So I find myself building a wall to block out emotions toward her and Dominick.  I feel like I don't want to get too close and be hurt again.  I find myself not making efforts and when I do she is very short answered. I have noticed I don't care as strongly for my family members as I used to. I don't worry about them, don't try to stay involved.  Life with out Korry really sucks.  I worry so much that I wil...

One of the ladies I work with commented on how sad I looked as I walked to my car, the other day. Interesting, how that is one of the hardest times of the day.  I don't know if it is because I have finished work and the facade can finally come off, or if I look that sad all the time. It really surprised me. I know I frequently look to the sky on the way out to the car, and say Hi. I don't know what I think this accomplishes, but I can't help myself.  I am still struggling with my emotions these past weeks.  I don't know what I think I should be doing, but sometimes I feel like this is harder than how I feel at other times. Jazsper is starting to connect "sad" with his mom, and actually with his dad too. The sandlot 3 has the little boys mom die of cancer and he is sad. So I guess it is helping Jazsper to find a word for his feelings..  It sorta irritates my husband that Jazsper started this after watching the movie, but I know he has felt it before and just d...

Sometimes the hardest struggle is functioning. I find myself being very blue, yet still having to function at work and home. It makes me crabby. I don't want to talk to or deal with other people. Especially stupid ones, or demanding ones. I end up with no patience what so ever. And I become short with people. I wish I knew what triggers these moods..... It is really never anything, it just sorta starts when I get off work in the evening and I look at the sky and start talking to Korry about how much I miss her. It just kinda continues from there. Things that don't normally bother me, really cause a struggle at these times. Korry and I were close to the same size in clothes. She wore some of mine, and since she is no longer here, I have taken the clothes of hers that I liked or bought for her, that will fit me. Today I put on one of my own shirts that I haven't worn in forever because it was too small. It occurred to me that the last time I saw this shirt was on Korry. She...

I have learned to brace myself to the emotions that hit when people say things unknowingly or unthinkingly about  death or their children. For the most part I do pretty good. But this morning as I was getting ready for work and put on a black tank dress (with red embroidery on the front) my husband looked at me and said "the lady in black, are you in mourning or something?"  I could not believe him. It was all I could do to keep from saying "yes, I am in mourning and will be for a long time".  It was just so out of the blue and unkind from my standpoint. I am sure, knowing my husband, he did not realize the implications of what he said. But wow it hurt. I don't share my feelings with him about Korry any more, because he would be worried about me, even tho he knows it is a long process, from his own experiences.  He quietly understands sometimes. Like the first time Jazsper stood at Korry's cross and sang songs to her, and then said by mom, love you. I totall...

I talked with a lady yesterday, about my age, who had lost a son to suicide about a year ago. She is obviously heart broken. As I can understand. But it made me stop and think about guilt.  I don't have any guilt with Korry's accident and death. It was totally out of my control.  But I imagine if I had a child who committed suicide, I would feel so very guilty that I didn't do enough, somewhere along the line.  And I don't know how it would be to live with that.   This being said, this woman I was speaking with said her son (30 yrs old) was a good boy, no drugs, or problems like that. He was financially stable and had a good job.  For whatever reasons his girlfriend of over 8 years broke up with him and he was devastated.  Apparently this woman had been staying with him (out of state) and came back home and was unable to return soon because she became sick with the flu. This was the time the son decided to commit suicide. This is awful enough, but he s...

One of the harder things about the loss of Korry, is that she always cared about me. We never went more than a few days without talking or texting. At least that is how I remember it. And I believe it was that way once she moved back to Alabama.  Prior to that in Arizona, maybe not so much. But I got used to having her call me, text me, tell me about good and bad things. She was my first child and she was what I used to determine my value as a mother. This is all sorta hitting me right now, and these thoughts are just coming out.  My son, I hear from maybe once a month. But that is all I expect from him. I know he loves me, he is just very busy with work and gym and sleep! I had really hoped that Kelsey would step up and be a little more attentive of me. And she has improved tremendously, but it still bothers me when I don't hear from her for a long time. And I usually have to initiate the call.  She works graveyards, and so I never know when she is sleeping, and on weeke...