Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

 Poor Jazsper, It hits him out of the blue sometimes. Last night he curled up on my lap and just cried. He missed his Momma so much. It is bitter sweet for him to see all her stuff around the house. We tried talking about how memories are good, and how Momma would want him to be happy and not cry. We talked about how it is ok to think about Momma all the time, but not miss her terribly all the time. Its a fine line and how do you explain that to a 9 year old. I tried to explain that if I let my emotions go, I would be a basket case and not be able to do anything but cry. And that is not a possibility for me, because I have him to raise.I know I am not special, and I know I am no different from any other Mother who loses a child; but, I sometimes think my grief is compounded because I have Jazsper's grief as well.  I hurt for me and I also hurt for him. It is so hard having him see the other kids with their mom's and not have his. It breaks his heart some days. and when he is m...

 Here we are again. I find a real need to write today.  For some reason this morning I was missing Korry more than usual, and then a song came on, and the flood gates opened.  Out came the tears.  I still don't think its bad that I cry for her still. I always will, it will never end. And as I have said, that is OK.  My brain has struggled this week and I finally realized, well, it is that time of year.  Its always a struggle this time of year. My brain somehow knows it. A lot has happened this year. The COVID-19 pandemic and the lifestyle changes that has brought about. My husband over reacted to all of this and it put a bit of a strain on Jazsper. It made him so worried that my husband was going to get sick and die. My husband was such a drama queen about the whole thing. Saying in front of Jazsper: "This shit is going to KILL ME!!!!" That really bothered Jazsper, needless to say. It was a terrible thing to say in front of him.  My husband and I have ...

I thought I was done posting.  That perhaps there was nothing more to say. What a silly thought. There will always be something to say about Korry. It has been 6 years now and I guess plus a couple weeks. We put balloons on her cross as we always do on the day she died. Today when I drove into town, there were new balloons and some flowers too.  In all the time since she has been gone, no one has ever put anything on her cross, besides me and my other daughter, Kelsey.  It touched my heart that someone had thought of her and did that. That she was remembered.   When I went onto her Facebook page there was a post from the guy who put the balloons and flowers there.  And a bunch of comments about people missing her and what an amazing person she was. And some had wondered about how much she would have accomplished if her dreams. Strange thing, I didn’t recognize any of the names.  I think most were people she worked with. So kind of them to be thinking of Kor...

I am probably going to end my blog with this post. Unless something major happens in the future, this will be the end of my story. Not the end of my Journey. My Journey will last for the rest of my life, because it will never end until the good Lord calls me home. Funny, Paul mentioned that it should take me 5 years to "get over this" as I have mentioned before. And as I have said before I hope that I never "get over" the death of my dear sweet Korry. But with that being said. Yes I miss her and think of her every day. But my life has joy, peace and love in it.(and it has been almost 5 1/2 years) I have hope in the love of God that Korry is in Heaven, and I will be able to see her again some day. I feel more that this is a "knowledge" then a "hope", but of course nothing in Heaven is fully known, other than we have a loving God and an advocate who speaks/represents us in Jesus Christ. Jazsper is growing up. He is 8 now. Milestones are still a l...

Its really hard to tell if my depression and irritability is linked to the death of Korry or not.  I have struggled with depression in the past.  I find a lack of interest in a lot of things, would I anyway at this point in my life? I know majority of my irritability is due to my husband. He is unable to accept that he is aging and because of this he is extremely depressed and more than just irritable, he is flat out miserable. Would he be as miserable if we weren’t raising Jazsper? I actually think Jazsper usually makes Paul better. But on the other hand we have very different parenting skills. We don’t fight over it, he just grumbles about everything.  Our life used to be so good together. If Korry hadn’t have gotten killed would we still be enjoying life as before?  Or would we still be going thru this period of grumpiness? I guess Paul picked up life for me so much after Korry first died, that now he feels he still has to do it, and it just bugs me. I don’t think...

This was my sixth Christmas without Korry.  They don’t get any less painful. I have been very emotional about Korry lately. Seems like she has come up in conversations more than usual. This was the least Christmassy Christmas I have had in a long time. I just wasn’t feeling the Christmas mood. I decorated the inside of the house. But I started putting the blow ups in the yard, got 3 up and 2 started to poop out, and I never put any more up after that.  I just didn’t feel like it was Christmas. I did all my shopping online. I finished early enough with most things. Went to a few Christmas activities with the kids, but just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t get any hustle bustle, in fact I didn’t even get too thrilled over all the houses with Christmas lights. Kelsey came over and spent Christmas Eve. Which has become the routine. And I have to say, she was very enjoyable. And has grown up a lot this past year.but even having the three grandkids Christmas morning didn’t help. Kyle wa...

A few weeks ago, I spent 48 hours in observation at the hospital. The doctor thinks I had a bout of A-Fib. It was interesting. In describing the pain. it was more of an ache in my heart, than chest pain. It reminded me of the pain I have when I think to long and hard of Korry. It is an ache that I feel. My heart just ACHES.  I can't help but wonder what caused the "episode". The week it happened I was probably the least stressed I have been in forever. My part time is finally falling into place. It starts officially next week. So I have just been training for the last few weeks, and life has been simple. There weren't any sports or activities after hours. The heart episode came at an odd time from what I would have thought could have caused it. This past monday, Oct 29, marked 5 years since Korry was killed. I blew up balloons and Kelsey and I put them on her cross. And we lit sky lanterns and sent them up to heaven for her to see. I know I have written so much of t...