Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

Its really hard to tell if my depression and irritability is linked to the death of Korry or not.  I have struggled with depression in the past.  I find a lack of interest in a lot of things, would I anyway at this point in my life? I know majority of my irritability is due to my husband. He is unable to accept that he is aging and because of this he is extremely depressed and more than just irritable, he is flat out miserable. Would he be as miserable if we weren’t raising Jazsper? I actually think Jazsper usually makes Paul better. But on the other hand we have very different parenting skills. We don’t fight over it, he just grumbles about everything.  Our life used to be so good together. If Korry hadn’t have gotten killed would we still be enjoying life as before?  Or would we still be going thru this period of grumpiness? I guess Paul picked up life for me so much after Korry first died, that now he feels he still has to do it, and it just bugs me. I don’t think...

This was my sixth Christmas without Korry.  They don’t get any less painful. I have been very emotional about Korry lately. Seems like she has come up in conversations more than usual. This was the least Christmassy Christmas I have had in a long time. I just wasn’t feeling the Christmas mood. I decorated the inside of the house. But I started putting the blow ups in the yard, got 3 up and 2 started to poop out, and I never put any more up after that.  I just didn’t feel like it was Christmas. I did all my shopping online. I finished early enough with most things. Went to a few Christmas activities with the kids, but just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t get any hustle bustle, in fact I didn’t even get too thrilled over all the houses with Christmas lights. Kelsey came over and spent Christmas Eve. Which has become the routine. And I have to say, she was very enjoyable. And has grown up a lot this past year.but even having the three grandkids Christmas morning didn’t help. Kyle wa...

A few weeks ago, I spent 48 hours in observation at the hospital. The doctor thinks I had a bout of A-Fib. It was interesting. In describing the pain. it was more of an ache in my heart, than chest pain. It reminded me of the pain I have when I think to long and hard of Korry. It is an ache that I feel. My heart just ACHES.  I can't help but wonder what caused the "episode". The week it happened I was probably the least stressed I have been in forever. My part time is finally falling into place. It starts officially next week. So I have just been training for the last few weeks, and life has been simple. There weren't any sports or activities after hours. The heart episode came at an odd time from what I would have thought could have caused it. This past monday, Oct 29, marked 5 years since Korry was killed. I blew up balloons and Kelsey and I put them on her cross. And we lit sky lanterns and sent them up to heaven for her to see. I know I have written so much of t...

People often comment on how strong I am. Dealing with the deaths I have experienced over the last few years. God gives me strength. I have no strength whatsoever. I am so close to tears most of the time. But I am not given the option to boo-hoo. I have to put on my happy face. If I stop and think about it, I start crying. I miss my dad, my daughter, and I hurt for For my other daughter becoming a widow at 22. The combination, I think is what has gotten me. I am so very tired. Mentally and physically. I don’t think I have completely gotten over the “breakdown” a few weeks ago. I am always on edge and on the verge of tears. But I am not allowed to let them out. I don’t have a safe place to turn to. It is getting harder instead of easier. Perhaps because other people forget what I have gone thru, and they expect a response like a normal person. I am not, nor will I ever be part of the normal population again. I so desperately need to be able to go part time at work. It has been approved...

My mind started playing a few tricks on me yesterday morning. I have had a couple long time patients die that I am close to, and a few that are getting close. I couldn't think straight yesterday. The whole day was just horrible. It took me twice as long to do everything I normally do. I was so worried that my brain had snapped. A few other things went on, I don't want to sound like I am whining. But it all added up to almost a real breakdown. I cried all the way home from work. And then this morning on the way to work I took a sip of coffee and spilled 2 spots onto my white shirt. I started bawling, just uncontrolled. I cried for Korry. I cried for my stressful life. I just cried. When I got to work I called and was able to get an appointment with my counselor first thing this morning. I walked in and just started crying and crying. It was horrible. We decided that perhaps I needed to start changing my hours to part time now, instead of waiting til next year. My plate is just ...

It seems to start at my birthday. Either good or bad. It is like I wake up the next day and I start to drag. Nothing seems to be on track; I am late, hurried, forgetful.  And it doesn't really get better. I feel the sadness overwhelmingly.  I struggle at work to just not start crying for no reason. Walking to my car I want to start crying. Seems like everything is a struggle. Baseball practice, going to the beach, getting ready for school. The worst part is I would really like to cut my hours. I just can't function at work, and it seems like everything is getting to me. I love work. it is never like this. But I am tired! Very tired. Life is such a chore right now. the fun of summer has gone. I really think it is as I start scheduling people out 2-3 months I come across appointments to be made on October 29. I really think that altho I don't consciously see it, it is there. I think that my mind just starts going into fog mode already. I will try to up my anti depressants and...

The other day, Jazsper must have been missing Korry more than usual.  He asked if I had any videos of Korry.  Then he asked if I had any saved voicemails. I explained that I didn’t have any videos because he was only 2 when she died and we really didn’t have time enough to take videos. We weren’t expecting her to be gone. And I didn’t have any saved voicemails for the same reason.  It made me so sad. But then the hardest part was that he asked if he could call me Momma. It broke my heart, he just wants a Momma so bad.  How do you answer that.  I told him that he already had a Momma, she was just up in heaven.  But I added that if he wanted to call me Momma he could.  It tore me up inside. I had so many mixed emotions over it. He called me Momma then, and a few times later that day, and has not mentioned it since.   As I started typing this post, I realized why he did this. Or at least why I think this conversation came up.  I wonder if he is...