Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

I worry sometimes that I use my grief as a reason for all my problems. I have been pretty down lately, but I think it was because Jazsper started 1st grade this week. A milestone that Korry should have been here for.  The milestones are really starting to effect me. It seems like they are always coming up and I am always wishing she was here for it, and it makes me sad. I also think it is clouding my brain some too. Or is this just me? Difficult to discern what really is the cause of it all.  I struggled with depression for so many years prior to moving to Alabama, I worry that it is coming back.  But as I have also decided I have been thru so much in the last few years....... Jazsper starting 1st grade was made harder by his independence. He didn't want me to walk him into school and help him get to where he needed to go. He wanted me to go thru the car drop off and he could do it by himself.  I cried at how big he is getting.  Korry would be so proud of him. ...

I was watching the news last night, and they were talking with the parents from the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. I understand that the last place you expect your young child to get killed is at school. I also realize how shocking that would be and how devastating for the parents. But as they were talking to these parents they made it sound like their loss was so much different. That their loss was so horrible. That their loss will change their lives forever.  That these parents lost their children and how unfair that was. I swear it was just about gun control. Which I think is an even worse reason for re-approaching these parents. But, I couldn't help thinking. My loss of Korry was sudden, unexpected. She was killed by an idiot driver. Do I campaign against idiot drivers???? I do understand the difference between the two incidents, but I find it hard to believe that their hearts hurt more than mine. They talk about how they don't want their child to be forgotten, that the...

I have finally realized that I think my life is normal and like everyone else. Only to come to the conclusion that it is nowhere near normal. My life always has the background of losing mom (11/2011), losing dad (8/2013), losing Korry (10/2013), losing Kelsey's husband (1/2016), and Paul's brother (2/2016). How can I ever expect to be normal. I mean, seriously, there is nothing normal at the way I look at life and the way my mind works/reacts. I thought about that this weekend. My mind just doesn't work like it should. It is slower (may be an age issue! haha) But the fog that I live in, will never lift completely. I will never have all my brain cells back. No joke. It is a fact of life that this is my life. I realized this weekend, that Paul treated me with kit gloves after Korry died. He didn't expect anything from me and he was always waiting for the nervous breakdown, that never happened. But because of that, I expected (subconsciously maybe?) that he would always h...

I was sitting last night trying to review my sleep issues. I don't seem to fall asleep early. I am up til midnite most nights, and then I have to get up at 5:30. I get so tired. I finally realized that perhaps (one of those hmmmmmm momments) I am not able to actually fall asleep because I don't want to run the chance of being woken up at 3:00 am with a phone call of something terrible happening.... I thought about this for a while. I used to have problems staying asleep, but now I stay asleep fine, it is just that I can't GET to sleep. That was the time I got a phone call about Korry's accident. It was about the time Kelsey called me to tell me her husband was in the hospital, and it was about that time that my husband got a call that his brother was about to die in the hospital. (he had been in for a few days.) I think this is just a conglomeration of issues that my brain associates some how with sleeping. I feel a little better about it. Perhaps now I can work on add...

I had a patient come in today and she saw a picture of Kelsey's wedding day. I have never seen this patient before, and of course she commented on how pretty and nice, but then she went on. She went on to say how hard it is for moms when their children leave home. When they get married it is just not the same. She continued on and on about how hard it is when children leave home, and how much you want them back. I told her I understood more than she realized. I probably would have been fine if she had stopped at that point. But she just kept on for another few minutes and it has now put me on the brink of tears thinking about how much I wish Korry was with me here on Earth. I am still struggling a few hours later. Luckily I have been so busy, it has not allowed the tears to fall, but it hit me really hard.

People who have not lost a child just don't understand the long-term impact. The lack of interest in other people and their family's  day to day trivial problems, really don't have any meaning to me. I don't keep up with families of other people all I want to do is be by myself it's not necessarily a depression, it's just not wanting to be around everyone else and all of their miscellaneous issues. They are nothing compared to what I have been through and I have no patience for listening to it. I think I am just having a grumpy day.

Kelsey and I (and baby Andie) did a 5K Saturday, March 18, 2017. It was a "color vibe". They don't keep time and you run/walk whatever speed you want. Additionally, color powder (cornstarch blend) is thrown at you at points during the race. We had a wonderful time. It was so fun. Probably the slowest 5K ever for me, but I really haven't been into running too much since Korry died. It was great spending time with Kelsey doing something fun. She definitely needed it, as did I.  After the race, there was music playing. Kelsey and I were getting ready to leave the area when "Don't Stop Believing" started playing. We both stopped walking and had to sing along! It was memorable for Korry because one of the movies she liked had a funny scene with that song in it, and it always makes me think of her. It was memorable for Andy, Kelsey's deceased husband, because it is the song they danced to at their wedding. Jazsper hit a home run last night at his baseball...