Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

It's been an emotional week. Over the weekend, Jazsper wanted to see pictures of him and his momma. So, I pulled up all my digital pictures and we looked thru them.  I think that is where it started for me. And it just seems like all week there have been comments and questions for some reason.  I always miss Korry, but sometimes I truly find it hard to actually breathe, the grief is so overwhelming. Today all I wanted to do was just stop. Stop work; stop conversations; stop being social. But most of all stop functioning. I just wanted to curl up and do nothing. I wanted to curl up and try to make it thru the tsunami of tears, grief, and heartache.  I really feel that I need to let all this out. But I have no release. At home, I have my wonderfully sweet Jazsper to spend time with. And I didn't do a very good job tonight. I wasn't mean or short, I just wasn't all there. So often I just need to be held and allowed to cry. But I have no one to turn to. I wish it could be P...

It's been an emotional week. Over the weekend, Jazsper wanted to see pictures of him and his momma. So, I pulled up all my digital pictures and we looked thru them.  I think that is where it started for me. And it just seems like all week there have been comments and questions for some reason.  I always miss Korry, but sometimes I truly find it hard to actually breathe, the grief is so overwhelming. Today all I wanted to do was just stop. Stop work; stop conversations; stop being social. But most of all stop functioning. I just wanted to curl up and do nothing. I wanted to curl up and try to make it thru the tsunami of tears, grief, and heartache.  I really feel that I need to let all this out. But I have no release. At home, I have my wonderfully sweet Jazsper to spend time with. And I didn't do a very good job tonight. I wasn't mean or short, I just wasn't all there. So often I just need to be held and allowed to cry. But I have no one to turn to. I wish it could be P...

Jazsper started Kindergarten last week. August 3rd. Oh, it was difficult. I cried when my own kids went to kindergarten, so it didn't surprise me that I cried with Jazsper. The difference being, that this time I was crying because Korry should have been here for this. I hate that she missed taking him to his first day. The doctor I worked for was kind enough to give me a good hug with tears in his eyes as well. My friend in the lab just happened to call me, and heard in my voice that I was not doing well, and said a prayer for me over the phone. It was so powerful! She is truly an inspired voice. I am so grateful that she allows the Lord to work thru her to help others. What a wonderful blessing to have in my life. I had off the afternoon of August 3rd, so I could be sure to pick up Jazsper. When I took him in the morning he did good, but there was a bit of apprehension when I left. He had a great day, and was happy to see me pick him up. I was off the next day as well (it was als...

I took Jazsper to Texas to see his family over Memorial weekend. His gramma Lucille, cousins Dain and Gregory, his dad and his new wife Amy and her two sons Jace and Jaxson, and Jazsper's brother Cypress. It was a really good experience. I am so glad that I went, even tho Paul was not happy about it.  It was great for Jazsper and for his family just to see him and know he's OK and that i am willing to let them see him.  Lucille had told me that Gregory had told her that he had a memory of Korry pushing him in a swing when he was little, and now here he was pushing Korry's little boy.  Needless to say, Lucille and I shed quite a few tears together.  Greg made a few interesting comments, one of which was that he couldn't take Jazsper away from me when i had just lost my daughter. He also commented that he was not in the best place to raise Jazsper either, which made a difference. It was a good way of putting it. Most people comment that Jazsper is a "part of Korry...

I know that it was important for Jazsper to have two parents when he was born that were married. Korry  waited to get pregnant until she was married. About a year after she was married, Jazsper was born.  All that changed when her husband greg cheated on her 9 months later. That was when she moved back to Alabama.  Since her death, I have been very aware that Jazsper has a dad out there, just that he lives far away.  Jazsper has been talking to him pretty regularly since August of last year, about the time preschool started. I made myself a promise that I would never keep Jazsper away from greg, because Korry wouldn't want that. Paul of course thinks he is worthless, and anyone who would not support their child isn't worth the child ever having contact. With that being said, here we are 2 1/2 years later, and Jazsper's gramma Lucille has asked that if I could, they are having a family party in San Angelo TX over Memorial day, and could we please bring Jazsper. His c...

Well Mother's Day is this weekend, and I am doing surprisingly good.  I think having Kelsey here helps.  I even asked Heather if they wanted to come over for a brunch around 11:00 on sunday. We had a little potluck this morning and so many things looked good, I thought... hmmmm... I want to cook, let's have brunch. Of course the reality of the day didn't sink in, but that is ok.  Jazsper and I will put an I love you balloon at the cross. I bought a present for Dominick to give Kelsey, because I don't know if anyone else will, and I thought it would be important.  I am sure I will wake up that day and have many of the crappy mother's day feelings that I have had all my life, but at least I have a plan.

The grass is growing high this time of year, and it is overgrowing at Korry's cross. So it was time to go start the trimming. We try to trim around the cross before the state comes along to mow, so that they dont hit it by mistake. We trimmed around it about a 3-4' diameter area. Jazsper didn't want to walk down with us, so he sat in the back of the SUV with the hatch up, so we could see him, and he could see us. When we got back to him, he looked at me and said "I want to go down to momma's cross.  So he and I walked back to it. He asked about the accident. I think he does this so he has an answer in his head as to why his mom has died. And he likes to tell me what happened. Somehow I think this is helping him to deal with it. He sang her Mary had a Little Lamb, and told her he loved her and missed her. Then he stood there for quite a while looking at the writing and the initials of Korry's friends. Commented on how there was a "J" for Jazsper! even ...