Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

It just dawned on me that Kelsey came over just to hang out today. It was to celebrate her birthday because we have work and baseball tomorrow. It is one of the few times I can remember her coming over just to hang, more or less.  It was something Korry did a lot, but Kelsey never wanted to. It was nice. It has been a rough day for me. I registered Jazsper for kindergarten. It went fine. But I was shaking and after I got to the car, I cried. I realized it was bothering me so bad because it was something that Korry should have been here for.  It was another milestone, that would have meant so much to her to have her big little guy getting signed up for kindergarten... She has missed his first week of real baseball games, his sliding into home with a huge smile on his face. Oh, she would have been proud!!!! I know she is watching from above. It is just so hard, as always.

I had a melt down on the way home from work yesterday. I find it interesting how often Kelsey can hit a button and trigger the missing of Korry. When I talk with Kelsey, and she is so ungrateful for everything, it just reminds me of how sweet and nice Korry was. And that, of course, sets a flood of emotion ripping thru me. I miss Korry so much everyday all day, but it just gets compounded when Kelsey is such an ungrateful child. Korry would always be happy when I offered dinner, no question of WHAT it was. She always wanted to come over during the summer and just relax while the boys played in the blow up pool. She was just so loving, always kindhearted to me (well except for the one year when she ran away-but that resolved quickly).  I just can't get over the difference between Kelsey/Kyle and Korry. I truly believe it is genetics. Korry's dad was the best! And I certainly imagine she got most of her goodness from him, where as the other two got most of their selfish/grumpy b...

Grief is a funny thing in some ways. It helps you to understand other's grief, and gives you a different outlook on life. Kelsey is grieving, obviously. She has no clue that her actions, or lack there of are part of her grieving process. She is getting such a double, triple, quadruple whammy out of this.  She lost Korry, ran off to ND because andy said he would take care of her. Then she loses andy. So she becomes a widow at 22 years old. She is pregnant, living at her "in-laws" home. She lives there because that is what THEY decided she needed. Well unfortunately the mother in law as i have mentioned is just a control freak. And she is going thru grieving of her own, even tho she won't let herself. So Kelsey is a mess. We have been looking at houses. She found one, she wants it, she doesn't want it, she does, she doesn't. She wants someone to tell her what to do, because that is how she has lived her whole life, following whatever someone tells her.  Well, t...

As I mentioned in my last post, I am having a hard time keeping it together lately. I always feel like at any point in time I could burst into tears. I have decided perhaps it is stress. Not so much my stress, but Paul's and Kelsey's. I worry about Kelsey making poor choices right now, because I think tracy is pushing her too hard too fast.  Kyle tried to call her yesterday at lunch (at my request) and she doesn't answer. Half the time she answers calls/texts half the time she doesn't.  I don't know if it is because she doesn't feel like talking or what. She bounces between so many ideas of what she wants to do, I wish she would just stop. Enjoy her babies. Not worry about anything else.  I never know if she is answering my questions about what she wants to do honestly, or just saying what she thinks I want to hear. My main concern is she wants to take a WalMart job that is an hour from where she is living. 3 days a week. That is so crazy. She says they are the ...

Not sure when I wrote last, other than it was after Kelsey's husband died. A month after that, my husband's brother died. He had a heart attack and never really came back from it well, then his body just shut down... I am really tired of death. A very dear young coworker's husband just finished his 3 year battle with cancer, as well.  They have a young boy about 6 or 7.  The last few years have been consumed with grieving of some sort or other. Yesterday, Jazsper went to a birthday party for one of the kids at preschool. He was so excited and had so much fun (even tho he was a bit under the weather). Driving home, I again was overcome with the thought that Korry should have been the one taking him. Most of the other people there were in there 20's, and Korry would have really enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time and there was a couple other mom's that were in their 40's, that I visited with. It was just something that should have been Korry...

I have been doing pretty good again, now that the holidays and all are over.  Life is beginning to settle in again. Kyle has bought a house in Magna UT, and I am real proud of him for that. He did not want me to come out to visit until he is set up with furniture and such, so as a mom, haha, I wanted to make sure he had what he needed. So, onto Amazon I went. I bought him all his kitchen basics and shower curtain/rod. I felt so good. It really helped me to get over not going out and helping him. As a mom I was not ready to cut the umbilical cord completely. I am glad he is happy. In the midst of the excitement of him buying a house, tragedy has struck our family once again. Kelsey's husband went into the ER sick Friday night 1/15/16, and died about 24 hours later 1/16/16. A virus flew thru his blood stream and shut down all his organs until his heart just gave out. My poor little girl. Mother of a 4 yr old, pregnant with a baby and a widow at 22. It breaks my heart. The 2 people th...

Made it thru Thanksgiving. Paul's kids did not come over for the most part, and all I did was reheat and make a pumpkin cheesecake swirl with Kelsey via Skype. That Skype visit made a huge difference. Just was NOT in the mood. But it has passed. Hoping next year to maybe go somewhere for a day or two for thanksgiving, but I am not sure Paul would go for that. I put a little Christmas tree, and her bell wreath, at the cross for Korry. Kelsey came out for a quick visit for the twit's sister's wedding. Twit and Dominick were here for a week. I had to fight with twit to get him to stay a few days here and there, but had a blast with him. Jazsper enjoyed it too. He loves Dominick so much. I am sure it is hard on him having Dominick so far away. But we did get to do some fun things together and twit only spent one night with us, so that was good, because honestly, that was one night too many, and every minute spent with him, just confirmed what a twit he is.  Christmas went well...