Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

I wonder if people can see the tracks of my tears today. Trying to close Korry's estate has brought all the sadness back. It seems like it's one thing after another. I fired my attorney, since he wasn't doing anything and I was doing the filing and petitioning. It just hurts so bad all over again.I watch the video from the night of the accident again, read the articles again, and I am obsessing with it again.  I had gotten to where this was on the back burner of my mind and held in check and not let loose except at certain times when I knew it was okay.  I have seen a couple accidents that were bad over the last few days. I say a prayer of comfort and peace to those involved. And pray that they don't have to go through what I am going through. I miss my daughter so much.  I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, I miss watching her Jaz. I miss her passion for her friends, for her art, and the happiness she was beginning to achieve. Sometime when I'm holding Jaz, it make...

I have had an overwhelming sadness now since the beginning of October. The passing of the one year mark has been excrutiating. It has been really hard to get through. And I have been so worn out emotionally that I have no physical strength left in me at the end of the day. Thanksgiving came and went. I didn't cook my traditional "all out" meal. I bought premade sides, and a turkey breast and that was that. It just wasn't worth the trouble this year. I have been kept busy preparing for my other daughter's wedding, that was December 6. She got into town on November 30th. It was wonderful seeing her and my other grandson Dominick after 9 months. My son Kyle and his girlfriend came in to town on December 4th for a few days and it was wonderful of course to see him. I had not seen hims since he came out when Korry was killed. We had a memory candle at Kelsey's wedding for Korry. And I had a corsage made for her, and laid beside it. Kelsey had a couple memory cha...

Well, 1 year has passed. I know it sounds odd to say, but I am so SAD. I dont have nearly the tears I did before, it just seems to sadden me, more, in a different sort of way. The floating lanterns were wonderful. It was such a sweet group of kids, well they really aren't kids. they are mostly in their 20's, I would guess. I took Jaz and they were all amazed at how much he had grown. He seemed to be doing fine and was drawing and smiling. But when we got home, I realized how much it bothered him. He pitched a fit from hell. I realized at that point that it was just too much for him. He had never been to the restaurant when Korry wasn't there. I realized how hard it was for me to look around at the cars and restaurant, for the same reason. I think I just pretty much blanked it all out, but Jaz wasn't able to do that... Last week was very draining. emotionally and physically. I know that is part of grief, but it doesn't make it any easier. I just feel like I want to ...

It is hard to believe it is 11 days from the one year mark of Korry's accident and death. It has been a rough couple weeks. At work I have had to schedule patients for 10.29.14..... The first time it came up and I realized what I was typing I cried. And Cried. I had to go outside for fresh air and take a walk around. It just wouldn't stop. I was not expecting it to hit me so suddenly and so hard. But I got past it. And after a while I was able to start back to my desk and continue working. I am blessed with a coworker who is very understanding, and helps to get me thru moments like that. Then it hit again when I had to schedule a scan for someone on 10.29.14. I couldnt speak the date, and I just completely lost it. Crying and not being able to stop. The girl on the other end of the phone just kept saying "I am so sorry, I can't understand you." Luckily my patients completely understand also. I made it thru ordering the scan and got myself back together.... The...

People have warned me that every year on the date she was killed it will be difficult, and bring back a flood of grief. They didn't warn me however, that it starts 6 weeks prior to that date.  It has been like a roller coaster ride the past week or so. I have been so close to tears so many times. And then frequently crying, remembering some of the wonderful things about Korry. It's been so hard.  And I have been irritable.  It seems like my patience level is gone worse than usual.  Life has changed so much in the past 10+ months. So many changes and things to learn to have to take care of and things to deal with. It has really worn me down. I really wish I had a day just to curl up and do nothing but cry. But, of course I can't because I have Jaz. And Jaz needs Gramma to be 100%.  But on top of that Paul wouldn't understand. He would be busy finding me something to do.  He doesn't like just sitting, and he has no place for crying. I wish somehow he could un...

I mentioned in my last post how much Kelsey's comment helped me. As I thought about it, I realized that Kelsey went through this exact thing back in January, February. She was so sad because Korry was not around to experience the positive happy times. The two girls always struggled so much. Kelsey was so upset one day, and I told her that Korry can see her, that Korry knows how happy she is and how positive things are going for her.... Kelsey and I both laughed about this yesterday. She had forgotten that I told her that. I spoke with a friend of a friend who has young children he is raising since their mother died. He also lost his dad at 9 and his mom at 15. It was so comforting to talk to someone who really understood. He also said that he feels his wife is nearby with their children and that she "watches and sees" all the good stuff. He also mentioned ways that he helps his children keep their mom in their hearts. This also really helped me and made me feel better. ...

Kelsey was sooo sweet yesterday. I explained to her the problem I am having with Korry missing out on Jazsper; and she said, "but mom, she isnt missing out, she is right there watching all the time. She can see how awesome he is doing".  That really helped. But, additionally, I prayed about it before I left work. That I needed something that told me Korry really was close by and enjoying her son from afar... As I drove home I looked over a field and the clouds parted just enough to let some beautiful rays of sun come shining thru. It was beautiful. But to me it was also Korry/God saying "hey its ok." I really beleive that was the sign I wanted. I felt such a peace and comfort in it.