Grieving Mother.. the journey through Life after my Daughter died

 It is that time of year again. So many triggers for some reason. The football team was doing a fundraiser dinner at Logan's. That is the restaurant Korry worked at. I have not set foot in one since she was killed in the car accident. Jazsper has a haircut appointment on the 29th. I usually don't plan anything for that day, but we are friends with his barber, and she has moved her shop to her home and she has livestock that I think Jazsper would enjoy, so that is a convenient day for her, so I went ahead and booked it. This will be 8 years end of next week. I still miss her so much. There are so many times I just want to cry. I imagine it will be like this for the rest of my life. She was such a good daughter and mother. So many times I wish I could call her and talk to her. I thought as time went by, that perhaps this wouldn't happen so much, but I was wrong. I miss her as much today as I did 8 years ago.

 I haven't been down to Korry's cross at the accident site since her birthday. I have done nothing to care for the overgrown grass that I am sure is around it. Since I never drive past it any more, I don't see how bad it is. I think of it alot, it is not an "out of sight, out of mind" situation. It is just a busy, and being tired situation. I am doing same as always. I miss Korry. I cry sometimes and I wish she were here in this life with us. All that is the same. I think going forward, I am going to transition somewhat into more of a blog about Jazsper and how he is doing with this. What comes up in his life.  He is in 5th grade now and is 10 1/2. He started intermediate school this year, so that was an exciting change for him. He really likes the "big kid" school and has aged and grown over night. He is learning more about technology and that you can look up people  on Google. haha. He likes to know about the actors in his kid shows, ball players, etc....

 Poor Jazsper, It hits him out of the blue sometimes. Last night he curled up on my lap and just cried. He missed his Momma so much. It is bitter sweet for him to see all her stuff around the house. We tried talking about how memories are good, and how Momma would want him to be happy and not cry. We talked about how it is ok to think about Momma all the time, but not miss her terribly all the time. Its a fine line and how do you explain that to a 9 year old. I tried to explain that if I let my emotions go, I would be a basket case and not be able to do anything but cry. And that is not a possibility for me, because I have him to raise.I know I am not special, and I know I am no different from any other Mother who loses a child; but, I sometimes think my grief is compounded because I have Jazsper's grief as well.  I hurt for me and I also hurt for him. It is so hard having him see the other kids with their mom's and not have his. It breaks his heart some days. and when he is m...

 Here we are again. I find a real need to write today.  For some reason this morning I was missing Korry more than usual, and then a song came on, and the flood gates opened.  Out came the tears.  I still don't think its bad that I cry for her still. I always will, it will never end. And as I have said, that is OK.  My brain has struggled this week and I finally realized, well, it is that time of year.  Its always a struggle this time of year. My brain somehow knows it. A lot has happened this year. The COVID-19 pandemic and the lifestyle changes that has brought about. My husband over reacted to all of this and it put a bit of a strain on Jazsper. It made him so worried that my husband was going to get sick and die. My husband was such a drama queen about the whole thing. Saying in front of Jazsper: "This shit is going to KILL ME!!!!" That really bothered Jazsper, needless to say. It was a terrible thing to say in front of him.  My husband and I have ...

I thought I was done posting.  That perhaps there was nothing more to say. What a silly thought. There will always be something to say about Korry. It has been 6 years now and I guess plus a couple weeks. We put balloons on her cross as we always do on the day she died. Today when I drove into town, there were new balloons and some flowers too.  In all the time since she has been gone, no one has ever put anything on her cross, besides me and my other daughter, Kelsey.  It touched my heart that someone had thought of her and did that. That she was remembered.   When I went onto her Facebook page there was a post from the guy who put the balloons and flowers there.  And a bunch of comments about people missing her and what an amazing person she was. And some had wondered about how much she would have accomplished if her dreams. Strange thing, I didn’t recognize any of the names.  I think most were people she worked with. So kind of them to be thinking of Kor...

I am probably going to end my blog with this post. Unless something major happens in the future, this will be the end of my story. Not the end of my Journey. My Journey will last for the rest of my life, because it will never end until the good Lord calls me home. Funny, Paul mentioned that it should take me 5 years to "get over this" as I have mentioned before. And as I have said before I hope that I never "get over" the death of my dear sweet Korry. But with that being said. Yes I miss her and think of her every day. But my life has joy, peace and love in it.(and it has been almost 5 1/2 years) I have hope in the love of God that Korry is in Heaven, and I will be able to see her again some day. I feel more that this is a "knowledge" then a "hope", but of course nothing in Heaven is fully known, other than we have a loving God and an advocate who speaks/represents us in Jesus Christ. Jazsper is growing up. He is 8 now. Milestones are still a l...

Its really hard to tell if my depression and irritability is linked to the death of Korry or not.  I have struggled with depression in the past.  I find a lack of interest in a lot of things, would I anyway at this point in my life? I know majority of my irritability is due to my husband. He is unable to accept that he is aging and because of this he is extremely depressed and more than just irritable, he is flat out miserable. Would he be as miserable if we weren’t raising Jazsper? I actually think Jazsper usually makes Paul better. But on the other hand we have very different parenting skills. We don’t fight over it, he just grumbles about everything.  Our life used to be so good together. If Korry hadn’t have gotten killed would we still be enjoying life as before?  Or would we still be going thru this period of grumpiness? I guess Paul picked up life for me so much after Korry first died, that now he feels he still has to do it, and it just bugs me. I don’t think...

This was my sixth Christmas without Korry.  They don’t get any less painful. I have been very emotional about Korry lately. Seems like she has come up in conversations more than usual. This was the least Christmassy Christmas I have had in a long time. I just wasn’t feeling the Christmas mood. I decorated the inside of the house. But I started putting the blow ups in the yard, got 3 up and 2 started to poop out, and I never put any more up after that.  I just didn’t feel like it was Christmas. I did all my shopping online. I finished early enough with most things. Went to a few Christmas activities with the kids, but just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t get any hustle bustle, in fact I didn’t even get too thrilled over all the houses with Christmas lights. Kelsey came over and spent Christmas Eve. Which has become the routine. And I have to say, she was very enjoyable. And has grown up a lot this past year.but even having the three grandkids Christmas morning didn’t help. Kyle wa...

A few weeks ago, I spent 48 hours in observation at the hospital. The doctor thinks I had a bout of A-Fib. It was interesting. In describing the pain. it was more of an ache in my heart, than chest pain. It reminded me of the pain I have when I think to long and hard of Korry. It is an ache that I feel. My heart just ACHES.  I can't help but wonder what caused the "episode". The week it happened I was probably the least stressed I have been in forever. My part time is finally falling into place. It starts officially next week. So I have just been training for the last few weeks, and life has been simple. There weren't any sports or activities after hours. The heart episode came at an odd time from what I would have thought could have caused it. This past monday, Oct 29, marked 5 years since Korry was killed. I blew up balloons and Kelsey and I put them on her cross. And we lit sky lanterns and sent them up to heaven for her to see. I know I have written so much of t...

People often comment on how strong I am. Dealing with the deaths I have experienced over the last few years. God gives me strength. I have no strength whatsoever. I am so close to tears most of the time. But I am not given the option to boo-hoo. I have to put on my happy face. If I stop and think about it, I start crying. I miss my dad, my daughter, and I hurt for For my other daughter becoming a widow at 22. The combination, I think is what has gotten me. I am so very tired. Mentally and physically. I don’t think I have completely gotten over the “breakdown” a few weeks ago. I am always on edge and on the verge of tears. But I am not allowed to let them out. I don’t have a safe place to turn to. It is getting harder instead of easier. Perhaps because other people forget what I have gone thru, and they expect a response like a normal person. I am not, nor will I ever be part of the normal population again. I so desperately need to be able to go part time at work. It has been approved...

My mind started playing a few tricks on me yesterday morning. I have had a couple long time patients die that I am close to, and a few that are getting close. I couldn't think straight yesterday. The whole day was just horrible. It took me twice as long to do everything I normally do. I was so worried that my brain had snapped. A few other things went on, I don't want to sound like I am whining. But it all added up to almost a real breakdown. I cried all the way home from work. And then this morning on the way to work I took a sip of coffee and spilled 2 spots onto my white shirt. I started bawling, just uncontrolled. I cried for Korry. I cried for my stressful life. I just cried. When I got to work I called and was able to get an appointment with my counselor first thing this morning. I walked in and just started crying and crying. It was horrible. We decided that perhaps I needed to start changing my hours to part time now, instead of waiting til next year. My plate is just ...

It seems to start at my birthday. Either good or bad. It is like I wake up the next day and I start to drag. Nothing seems to be on track; I am late, hurried, forgetful.  And it doesn't really get better. I feel the sadness overwhelmingly.  I struggle at work to just not start crying for no reason. Walking to my car I want to start crying. Seems like everything is a struggle. Baseball practice, going to the beach, getting ready for school. The worst part is I would really like to cut my hours. I just can't function at work, and it seems like everything is getting to me. I love work. it is never like this. But I am tired! Very tired. Life is such a chore right now. the fun of summer has gone. I really think it is as I start scheduling people out 2-3 months I come across appointments to be made on October 29. I really think that altho I don't consciously see it, it is there. I think that my mind just starts going into fog mode already. I will try to up my anti depressants and...

The other day, Jazsper must have been missing Korry more than usual.  He asked if I had any videos of Korry.  Then he asked if I had any saved voicemails. I explained that I didn’t have any videos because he was only 2 when she died and we really didn’t have time enough to take videos. We weren’t expecting her to be gone. And I didn’t have any saved voicemails for the same reason.  It made me so sad. But then the hardest part was that he asked if he could call me Momma. It broke my heart, he just wants a Momma so bad.  How do you answer that.  I told him that he already had a Momma, she was just up in heaven.  But I added that if he wanted to call me Momma he could.  It tore me up inside. I had so many mixed emotions over it. He called me Momma then, and a few times later that day, and has not mentioned it since.   As I started typing this post, I realized why he did this. Or at least why I think this conversation came up.  I wonder if he is...

I have not done any research or thorough study on this topic, but I have always heard that after the loss of a child it is not uncommon for couples to divorce. What I have seen is generally it is differences in grieving; length of grieving, keeping emotions withheld, support systems, etc. When Korry first died my husband was the "strong" one. He picked up the pieces of my life that I had dropped, took care of "life" and accepted Jazsper with no second thought. Then time went by. And more time went by. We continued to have other losses in our lives. And to make adjustments. Paul has continued thru all of this to be depressed. And will not seek out help. Now, our situation may be a little different. Korry was not his child, he had already retired, and I am still working. And his life turned topsy turvy, not so much due to the loss, but the changes that came after. We became "parents" to a 2 1/2 year old. And whatever he thought his retirement time would h...

If you have followed my blog, you know that every year I go on a religious fast for 10 days. It is time for me to put the Lord and God first,  and to show that I am willing to do at least some sort of sacrafice in the start of the year. Additionally, I started going to church regularly again. Jazsper has been attending church also, because he wants to learn about Heaven and Jesus and where his mom is.  I have to say this year my fast had a pretty miraculous effect on me. The lessons at church have not been anything to necessarily to help with the comfort I have been in dire need of again this year. But it has been fascinating what I have been learning.  And it has brought me so much closer to Christ. With that being said, the natural progression of being close to Christ is feeling his love more and more in my life.  It has been amazing. I have found peace. I have truly felt the comfort that can only come from Christ. And it has been incredible. Sure I still miss my...

So much has gone on the past few months . In town they had a tree trail for the Christmas holidays where people could sponsor a Christmas tree and decorate it for whom or what ever they preferred. I sponsored a tree for Korry in her memory . Heather and Jazsper help me to decorate it .  One of Korry's friends put an ornament on it.  it was so nice to see someone remember. When I went to take it down after New Year's the tree had a number of the red band bracelets that are worn in remembrance of Korry and made the tree extra special . Christmas my son Kyle came out to visit for a week with his girlfriend . We had such a wonderful visit , but I can't believe how much more I felt the pain and loss of Korry while he was here for the holidays . I spent Christmas night crying because I missed Korry so bad . It was a really rough day for me . New Year's Eve at midnight I toasted Korry's 30th birthday, hard to believe she would be 30 at this birthday.  On her birthday Janua...

I could not believe the fear I had taking Jazsper to school today. He was fine of course, but just the thought. Very few people are truly sympathetic of the panic that set in with me. I don't mean sympathetic in the sense of "poor me" but sympathetic in the sense of they get it. They understand why I am such a wreck over this. I know it was a prank of some sort.  But still. I know the kids were safe when we were notified. But still. Jazsper is part of Korry, and Korry is forever gone to this earth. If something were to happen to Jazsper, it would be unbearable. And things like this do happen. In good areas, with no warning.  As far as I can tell, the schools that have had shootings, are not in ghettos. The shooter is not from a lower class family. They are from regular homes like ours. The schools are regular schools like ours. I will never take it for granted again that he is safe at school. I will now always worry. At least it feels like it at this point. As always ...

I was finally starting to pull it together when I got to work this morning. It is Halloween, so it is always a fun day looking at all the creative costumes of our 300+ employees... Today was an exceptionally creative year. And then I get a text from Jazsper's school. They have evacuated all the children to the school buses and they are parked away from the school at the baseball field out back.  Some idiot called in some sort of a threat. But my heart. I couldn't even breathe. Literally. I fell apart completely. I called Paul and he immediately went to the school to get Jazsper and make sure he was safe. I truly don't know what I would do if something happened to Jazsper. I was so so very scared. The sherrifs/troopers/police went thru the school and it was deemed safe to go back in, but I had Paul bring Jazsper home. I wanted him home. where he is safe. What kind of a person does such a thing? How scary is it thinking that it is not 100% safe for my little boy going to s...

Kelsey,the boys, and I took some balloons to Korry's cross this morning. 4 balloons, one for each year. We stayed a minute or two. Each in our own thoughts. Jazsper was uncharacteristically quiet.  No comment, no song. I wonder, does he realize the significance of what today is. I don't ever say why we are doing special balloons and stuff.  No sense going into details on this. Kelsey and kids spent the day with us again; working on Dominick's Halloween costume, and keeping me company. Paul continued to make stupid or sarcastic comments all day. At some point he had to have realized today's significance. But instead of helping, and maybe cutting me some slack, he just continued to irritate me. Almost like he was doing it on purpose. To make it clear that he did not think I should be extra sensitive today. I understand if he doesn't remember what today is. He doesn't remember anything. And Korry was not his daughter, so I don't expect him to know the date. I ...

Seriously???? My husband just said to me, you seem kinda off today, everything ok........ Seriously??? He never ceases to amaze me with his lack of empathy and compassion. Yes something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong. My daughter was killed 4 years ago today. And I am allowing myself a day of selfish wallowing, self pity and grief!!!!